I always felt like I was different. When all the other boys started noticing girls I was still playing my video games - I just didn't know what was so special about them.
As the time went on I realized that the ones I like aren't girls - but boys.
I though at first that it was just a phase, that perhaps every boy feels like that at one time. I even tried to get myself to like girls. All to no avail.
I admitted it to myself when I was 16. I knew about then that what I feel like can't be changed - that it's there to stay forever. And I got scared. In my country being gay is not only sin, if you're gay you're considered sub-human. No possible penance. I was once told that the only way to "heal" a homosexual is with a bullet through the head.
So that's why I'm hiding it. No one would understand. Not my family or people I go to school with. I dread what would happen if anyone found out.
Because I'm so scared I never acted on my feeling. There were boys I liked and like, but if they'd know how I feel, they would kill me. It's very frustrating knowing that someone you like not only not likes you back but would probably seriously harm you if he ever found out.
The other problem are my parents. I don't know how they would react. When they see gay people on TV they don't throw fits or say how immoral that is. My mother once said it's matter of choice. But what if they knew that their own son was...? They'd send me to a "professional" most likely.
I think they're beginning to doubt. I'm 18 and I never had a girlfriend. Although I'm not really attractive (quite the opposite) so people assume it's because of that. But then again, I seen equally ugly guys with girlfriends. And there's plenty of ugly girls too, so I don't know for how long I can keep this up.
It's just so hard not being able to be who you are in front of people, it's so hard measuring your every word, your every move so that you don't slip up.
If anyone knew my life would be over.