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I'm a Closet Case

I always felt like I was different. When all the other boys started noticing girls I was still playing my video games - I just didn't know what was so special about them.

As the time went on I realized that the ones I like aren't girls - but boys.

I though at first that it was just a phase, that perhaps every boy feels like that at one time. I even tried to get myself to like girls. All to no avail.

I admitted it to myself when I was 16. I knew about then that what I feel like can't be changed - that it's there to stay forever. And I got scared. In my country being gay is not only sin, if you're gay you're considered sub-human. No possible penance. I was once told that the only way to "heal" a homosexual is with a bullet through the head.

So that's why I'm hiding it. No one would understand. Not my family or people I go to school with. I dread what would happen if anyone found out.

Because I'm so scared I never acted on my feeling. There were boys I liked and like, but if they'd know how I feel, they would kill me. It's very frustrating knowing that someone you like not only not likes you back but would probably seriously harm you if he ever found out.

The other problem are my parents. I don't know how they would react. When they see gay people on TV they don't throw fits or  say how immoral that is. My mother once said it's matter of choice. But what if they knew that their own son was...? They'd send me to a "professional" most likely.

I think they're beginning to doubt. I'm 18 and I never had a girlfriend. Although I'm not really attractive (quite the opposite) so people assume it's because of that. But then again, I seen equally ugly guys with girlfriends. And there's plenty of ugly girls too, so I don't know for how long I can keep this up.

It's just so hard not being able to be who you are in front of people, it's so hard measuring your every word, your every move so that you don't slip up.

If anyone knew my life would be over. 

Saigo Saigo 18-21, M 90 Responses Jun 20, 2008

Your Response


Oh i know how you feel try being gay AND wanting to female and keeping it away from every one and my boyfriend my boyfriend is one of two that knows about me. Paula

ok I am not gay or a straight women.I am 20 years old.I support those who are gay, lesbian, or whatever. You shouldnt live in a place where you dont feel excepted.I dont know what country you live in but here i the united states their are some states that have a gay pride parade where gays are celebrated.I know illinois recently passed the law for gay marriage.Although there are people who dont appreciate gays but theres also people who do appreciate.If you need someone to talk to I'm here.Good luck in whatever your decesions maybe.

man SEX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LoriTG. "Being gay is not normal"... either is dressing as a girl. I don't think anything else needs to be said in relation to the ill-informed, ANTI-gay propaganda that was displayed in your comment.

First of all I think people should be very careful about advising others to come out of the closed, the "follow your heart" thing does not always work and many times just bring sorrow and not happiness to anyone involved. In the case of this boy it would be a disaster! He should move, go to another country where he will be happier being himself and see that I say happier, not happy! There's no garanty that coming out of the closed and being openly gay you will find happiness, human relationship is complicated and finding someone to be happy with is hard for both gay or straight. I believe in having fun, being yourself but with common sense and responsability. Don't come out of the closed in your country, do it elsewhere. I'be praying for you!

i also live in a very conservative place and i cant tell Anyone about my sexual orientation. I am 22 and being prepared to leave my country and go somehwhere i can express my true feelings.


I know<br />
how you feel<br />
im too scared to tell anyone im gay<br />
i wish I wasnt all the time<br />

just try to move to somewhere where you will be accepted for who you are.<br />
if you ever need a friend add me

*hugs tight* You poor thing...I'm so sorry you're not able to be yourself around everybody, I know that's hard.

hey, i'm sorry to hear ur story. though i'm not a typical gay (i don't behave like rest of d gays), i am not attracted to grls too. i haven't come out yet. i live in a conservative community too. so, i'm gonna remain d closet 4 d rest of my life. but sometimes, i see d positive side. we have more depth in our emotions and thoughts. socrates was gay, so was leonardo. so, we're God's special ppl. we've been an ordeal to deal with. don't think bout suicide n stuff. work n do smthg special n show dat i'm gay n i've contributed this much 2 d world. it'd be easy coz we don't get along with other ppl well n we don't feel comfortable in social settings. so it'll be lot easier to concentrate on ur work. n dont make any rash decisions. trust noone coz non gay ppl r not very loyal. learn to love ur self.

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Don't fell bad bullet to the head LOL I have to tell my friends about that what an ignorant small minded *******. I hope things get better for you there is nothing wrong with being gay and any person that says there is a knuckle scraping neanderthal.

Im not gay, so I personally cant relate to what pain you're feeling right now. But I still cant believe how huge this homosexual issue has become! Being gay isnt immoral, it isnt wrong, and its definitely not going agaisnt the bible (in my opinion.) Being judged because of youre sexuality is wrong, its immoral, and goes agaisnt the bible. How dare people just judge and hate you like that. <br />
I have many gay friends, all sweet and beautiful people. It hurts to know this issue is hurting more and more people everyday, only for being yourself nonetheless. I absolutely hate it when people say its more of a choice...because Im almost sure its not. <br />
Im sorry you have to live a life where you're scared to show the real you...and where things better be kept secret, but Im here, silently cheering you on. On ep, we all support youre story. Please hang on.

Hey dude dont lie that u cant change your feelings.U must change your feelings cuz being gay isnt normal at all.If God wanted to be like that he wouldnt create a woman in first place...I think u use as an excuse that thing about u not being able to change your feelings...oh come on i mean what the hell..its more like u want to be gay....change before u face the heat...oh and dont bother trying to reply to this cuz most likely i want watch this anymore cuz i dont have time...time is precious ppl,dont just sit here and whine about your problems,do someting about it...sitting didint bring anyone any good but rather take responsbility for yourself and change yourself!Dont trust these stupid ppl who say that being gay is normal...ITS NOT and will never be,remember that my friend....

I've been through that stage before. I am not sure of what to write here since my case was pretty different, I did not have to come out, my dad found out some of my msn conversations and that way he discovered I was gay. I only wish the best for you, soon this nightmare must end and you'll be free to be who you truly are no mattering what they might say about you. Hugs :)

I feel the same way.. :

Saigo your story is just like mine, with a few minor details changed. It saddens me that we have to go through this, but it's good to know other people know what I'm going through. Keep living the life because some day you'll find a man you will love you for who you are.

You should be able to live your life anyway that you choose. It's sad that you have to keep up a front and be miserable inside. My bestfriend is gay and he was around your age he went through the same thing. See, around here, back in the day it was kept under cover, but it his grandmother that he was afraid of. But once he turned 18, he decided that he no longer gonna live his life in agony. So maybe that's what you should do. Get out, because believe there is happiness out there and maybe you will even find your soulmate.

I think you need a secret boyfriend whom you can pursue your life with until you can accept your gayness. Sooner or later things will get better.

Well, I guess one more opinion couldn't hurt....<br />
My heart goes out to you. I think that you should be open and honest with yourself but I also think you should be able to do it in a safe atmosphere. Being gay isn't the end of the world or a crime. I think you can still be a really good person and be gay. I have a friend that has been with her girlfriend since high school, and they are still in love, and both of them do so much for the community they live in. I think the world would be a less brighter place without them honestly.<br />
<br />
I think your mother probably already knows alittle, but would rather not out you. Moms are like that, they just know their babies you know? And it doesn't matter if that baby isn't a baby anymore! I think that whatever you do or choose, she would want you to be happy and to feel loved, because that is what Moms are about.<br />
<br />
@Terrio<br />
Shame on you! I have never seen such disinformation, and homophobia in my life! If we are truely all God's children, there is room for EVERYONE, even gay people at God's table. So shame on you! You also assume that everyone goes by a Christian belief, which is very biased and unfair in the least. I hope you learn to open your heart alittle. The world is a colorful place with all kinds of people in it. Gay and straight alike.

YES TERRIO! its a scientific FACT homosexual brains are made differently! so answer me this, why would GOD make someone with a Different brain if it was so ******* wrong? hm? waiting for an answer!

I admire you for admitting you are gay.

I know how you feel. I felt the same way years ago when I was in school. But then I read about an organization that was fighting for the rights of gay folk. I joined. Soon I was out and the world looked, felt, even SMELLED fresh. That was many years ago. Since then lots has changed, and more changes every day. It is still hard in many ways, but believe me, it is much easier today than it was 50 years ago when I was feeling those same things u feel today. I am out and PROUD. I hope one day you will join me on this side of the rainbow! Hugs and kisses until then, dear one!

I know how you feel, I been their! And it isn't, easy? But, with my situation was that I was raped by a upper classman in elem. school, and I had to hid it from my parents, my friends and I din't go to the cops either, I was on the vurge of committing suicide, when I wa about 13 years of age. Yet, I have survied, it still haunts me to this very day. I have had my experiences with being gay, and you kind have to watch behind your back, trust noone, and if you have a close friend you can count on, and I mean really count on, converse with him, and given the chance GET OUT of the SITUATION. I don't know where you live, but get out asap.

Honey, personally I feel similiar to you. In my opinion, I might even like both genders, but if your family and friends persecute you for have to get out of there. Confront your parents. Start there, and you'll find that starting small will have your coming-out experiance better. Don't fear. Dreams don't realize themselves. It takes the dreamer to find the answer.

Hey buddy, I am just wondering what country are you in, will if that is your case you should came out from your place and go to another location where you can be free with your feelings and you can exercise your rigth to love and beloved.<br />
<br />
I am one of a million people here on earth who feel the same as you feel but here in my country we are free to feel in-love with the same sex.<br />
<br />
Bottom line is try to find another place.............<br />
<br />
Hope you find this suggestion helfpul to your concern.

Hi there,<br />
<br />
I wish i have read this before, am hopeful that you are in a better situation now.<br />
<br />
I share alot of what you are facing, am a gay muslim living in an Arab country. I am closeted to alot of the people in my life, and i can never be out; if i did i will definitely be in danger, probably life threatening.<br />
<br />
Am almost 24 years old now, its been a rough 10 years for me to accept myself, since society's mindset regarding homosexuality here in my country is of hatred and disgust.<br />
<br />
What am here to say, is that you can find people who will accept you, i came out to my best friend who happened to be gay as well, we both are living in an environment very similar to yours, and i managed to find someone, and so will you, this has helped me tremendously in finding someone to be able to talk to.<br />
<br />
If you feel that you cannot trust someone that much, then its probably better not to tell anyone at the moment, but don't quit searching, online gay social networks help as well, with caution off course.<br />
<br />
The other point is of you commenting on your looks, COME ON, you are beautiful, and PERFECT as you are, in this moment, your presence means so much to so many people, you are loved and cared for, and deserve nothing but the best because you ARE who you ARE, NEVER judge yourself on how you look dude!<br />
<br />
I sincerely hope you are better by now, am not quite sure how you can connect to members in this website, but please feel free to contact me if you need to talk, am here for you my friend.<br />
<br />
love<br />
A ClosetedHomo

Right on lunnas!! I don't think it's a choice though. I mean, you and I didn't choose to be heteros....we just knew it....right?? Now imagine if the whole world was gay and all the Christians kept telling us it's a choice. And, that we can be gay if we choose to be. The only choice we really have is to accept and embrace those different than ourselves. Kudos to you......You ROCK!!....danilo

I welcome you if you are my family or my friend<br />
I have a few friends that are gay, i even had friends that were men that dressed like giirls i didnt judge i just treated them like they were people and myfriends<br />
ive had girl friends that dressed like guys or tomboys<br />
life is hard enought lets love and embrace others. i dont understand if being gay is a chooice or what its not up to me to judge, ive had a hight school friend he was gay i knew it befor he came out and hes still my friend<br />
it didnt matter to me who he was or his lifes mates were he was and still is a good friend this world is full of too much pain and hate ,its time we love each other we may not agree with the thier mates but i dont care what people do in thier s ex lifes just dont hurt kids or anmales<br />
live and let live .

My mom is always in the company of gay men because of her line of work. She is an interior decorater. She respects and admires their creativity. I'm heterosexual, but both of my parents instilled in me from a very young age tolerance of lifestyles different from our own. You say that your sexual orientation is a sin in your country. Well, I live in the US and there is discrimination here to .....especially in Northeast Texas. Northeast Texas is a hotbed of hatered against blacks, immigrants, gays, hispanics, etc. Grand Saline, TX is a Ku Klux Klan safe haven.Always remember, God loves everyone..........EVERYONE!!........even a pot smoker like me. Don't let those 'holier than thou' people try to make you a SINNER...........only you have the power to that.....danilo