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18 Long Years

I'm an eighteen year old gay boy who came out in April of 2012. My story is long because I have known that I was gay almost all my life but I will stick to the main points. My first experience was in second grade with another boy. I was confused for a long time until around fifth grade when I finally understood what being gay was. I was scared and afraid and still had many unanswered questions. I was too scared to tell anyone because I thought they would reject me, make fun of me or bully me, even my family. I also suffer from a learning disability called dyslexia. No one knew that I had it when I was younger and I struggled through school with it. My teachers thought that I was just being a bad kid and would not help me. I was bullied and made fun by my other classmates because I was so far behind in my studies. I lashed out and picked on other kids and had no friends. I slowly became really sad and almost committed suicide. But one of the staff members noticed how my behavior changed and told my parents. My parents decided to take me to the doctor and the doctor diagnosed me with depression. The doctor said I should be tested to find out why I was depressed. That is when we discovered that I had dyslexia. At the same time, I was seeing a psychiatrist to help me get over my depression and learn to block out bullying. This all happened during third grade. Because of this incidence, this was another reason for me not tell anyone that I was gay because I was scared of being bullied again. So I keep it a secret but I still had many questions. Around seventieth grade, I decided to look up information online and I stumbled on certain things I should have not been looking at but interested me. My dad caught me and freaked out. I was so scared of what was going to happen. But nothing happened and it slowly was forgotten, until another situation occurred. My younger brother, one morning, said something about his private parts that caused me to become irritated because I did not want to know about that. But my dad took it for a different meaning; he thought I had sexually interactions with my brother. For about two years, my dad bullied and harassed me about what he was assuming I was doing. I was horrified and took every measure to make sure that there was no chance of me and my brother being alone so my dad would not expect anything. I grew to hate my brother because I blamed him for what happened, but he did know what would have when he said though things. I regret ever feeling that way towards him and blaming him. Finally my dad lost it, one day I walked in to my parent’s room to see my dad crying. He told me that I was a sex fiend and that I every touched my brother again he would turn me and have me registered as a sex offender, I was fourteen. I tried to tell my dad the truth but he would not let me speak and told me to get out. I was scared and in pain, I thought the only thing I could do was to tell my mom. My mom and I confronted my dad and told him the truth. After a lot of tears, my dad and I made up and were able to put this in the past. But this experience scared me so bad that I thought that if I told my family I was gay, my dad would believe his assumptions were true, so I keep quiet.
I said nothing for many years but each year the burden got heavier. The loneliness and isolation was unbearable. I had no one to talk to for so long about my feelings and questions, it torn me apart inside. It was hard for me not to be able to be myself. I gave up a lot of things I love to do like dancing, drawing/painting and piano. I gave on the activities I loved because I was scared if I did them people would believe I was gay. I did activities most straight boys did because I thought if I did; it would be harder for people to suspect that I was gay. Each year it got harder for me to keep the secret and the pain increased but I was able to hide it from everyone until my junior year in high school. I was on the school’s football team and we were very good and competitive. The coaches decided to design a new way to call out plays using letter and numbers. This scared me because of my dyslexia I would have trouble reading the plays. I did not to want tell the coaches because then I would receive special treatment and afraid of players bullying me. I could not go through another experience like what happened before so I keep quiet. From the stress of football, hiding being gay, school work and other things I finally hit the breaking point. I had a mental break down and became very sick. I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with ***** throat and depression again. I told the doctor about the problem with football and she said I either could take medication or quit football. I decided to quit football and went to tell the coaches my decision. When I told them my decision and the reason why, they told me that they would help me with the play calling. After a break from football I was ready to go back to playing. Football got better but my mental health did not for the main and true issue was yet to be addressed.
I was able to get through the fall and winter alright with some problems. But I was still very depressed and with spring football around the corner it was getting harder to deal with the stress. For I decided not to play football that year because I did not want another repercussion and I received a lot of peer pressure. People were confused on why I did not what to play football because the play issue was not that serious. That is when I realized that I need to tell someone I was gay because if I keep going on in the direction I was heading, something bad would happen. I had no idea who to tell because this was such a serious issue because I was suicidal. I thought the only person I could tell and trust was my mom. In the middle of April, I told my mom that I was gay. She understood perfectly why I was feeling the way I was and said she would take me to the doctors to get help. I was so relieved that something was finally happening. But nothing happened for two weeks and things took a turn for the worst. I had tons of schoolwork, the pressure from football players increased and nothing happened about the gay issue. I had another mental break down and left in the middle of school unexcused. I cried all the way to my house. I was tired of the pain and suffering and wanted it to end. I was inches from death, literally. I had a barrel of a gun in my mouth and was ready to pull the trigger but one thought stopped me. In March, two boys at my school committed suicide and the community was devastated. I saw how much pain it caused their friends, the teachers and their families. I could not do the same to my family and friends so I removed my finger and my mouth away from the gun. This was the best decision I every made in my entire life. For later I called my mom and told me she was taking me to the doctors that day. We went to the doctor’s and I told her everything and this was the start of my life, my true life that is.
I am now seeing a psychiatrist to deal with the depression and also seeing a counselor about the depression too. The counselor is also helping me deal with being gay and gives me advice about what to do. I am going to a support group for gay men so I can make friends and be around people like me. I also told my family and some friends and response was amazing and unbelievable. My family loves and supports me no matter what. My dad is totally fine with me being gay and still loves me and does not believe any of his assumptions were true. My friends also accepted me and did not care that I am gay. My friends have been there for me through this whole predicament and listen to me and support me. There is one special person I would like to thank because she has been there for me from the beginning. She has given me support, encourage, advice, listened to me and most of all, true friendship. I don’t think I would be where I’m at right now without her and I’m forever grateful. Everything is better than I ever imaged possible. I still not playing football, I am currently enrolled at my local community college in the running start program which I am excited to start and make new friends. I have found help to deal with my dyslexia and it is no longer a problem. I have met some amazing gay guys that have taught me so much about the gay culture and are my good friends too. After eighteen years of loneliness, I was finally able to experience my first romance. I it was amazing but short lived. I wish things happened differently but I can’t change the past. I was happy for the experience and I’m excited for more. We are still good friends and I am very happy and grateful for that friendship too. I finally got to experience my first pride in June which was amazing. It opened my eyes to a new world and showed me things I have never seen before, some were good but some were unwanted. For once in my life I am able to live and act the way I what to. It is some much better then I every imaged and delighted I came out but I’m not totally out.
I have learned so much over the past months and starting to live my life a new way, my way. I realized that even though that I am out, if I am not totally out I still can’t live the way I what to. I was scared at first to come out because of what people would say or do. I realized that is does not matter what people think about you. As long as you are happy with being the person you are and living your life the way you want, nothing else matters. So I have decided to come out totally by being myself. I know I will lose friends and make new enemies because of my decision but I do not care anymore for my happiness is more important. I know it’s going to be a rough next year but I am ready because I am stronger now and can handle it. I will have the support of my family and friends too. One of the hardest parts was the isolation. To have no one to talk about the confusing feelings, the truth about gays and just someone to confide in is extremely hard and depressing. For people who are in the same situation, I advise to find someone you trust and tell them the truth. Just the feeling that someone knows and cares about you without passing judgement is astounding, a relief and removes so much stress. For those times when you feel alone, now you have someone to talk to and share your feelings with. It made a huge difference in my life when I told my friend because of all the things she did for me. People who are thinking about committing suicide do not do it. I know you may be in a lot of pain and agony but killing yourself is not the answer. Pain is temporary and can be healed, death cannot. The pain you cause the people that love you can never be healed and will always be there. If you need help, find help. There may where to receive help: online, calling a hotline, talking to a school counselor, family member, a close friend or going to a support group. I know suicide may seem like the best answer but it is not, it never is. IF you are not ready to talk about your issue and want to wait for a better time than do so. But if it is too hard to keep it in anymore then I urge you to seek help for there is always help. I know I still have a long ways to go but it is so much better now than before. People who are in doubt, it does it get better, I promise. Thank you for taking some of your time and reading my story, I hope it helped someone in trouble.


deleted deleted 26-30 39 Responses Aug 3, 2012

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This is an amazing story. im so happy that you came out and have found happiness after those rough times. You will be stronger and better because of what you've gone through. You are a truly amazing person. i wish you the best of things in life and hope you find more reasons to smile each day. :)

First, I'm very glad you're still here - truly. It is an unfortunate reality that society seems to make life miserable for no reason for anyone that is 'different' - whatever 'different' means. We're all human, and the wonderful variety of us is what makes life and living such a diverse experience.

I'm also very glad you've found a therapist to talk to and get through the depression. Your story and mine are not far apart - mine just occurred much later in life when I was in my 40's, in a very unhappy marriage with kids, and ready to just end it all - when I finally truly said to myself "I am gay" it was like a huge curtain was lifted, and who I was outside finally matched what I felt inside - it was an amazing awakening.

Very best to you, congratulations on your coming out both to yourself and others, and best wishes!

Wanna meet up, bwagro195? If so, meet me at the Glasgow Fort, on 5 August 2013 at 6.30pm. See you there! I'll take you in for a costa coffee!

This was so touching, I started crying whilst reading your story. You are a strong person and I look up to you, man.

Yeah man. Mine whole issue of being a gay guy applied to me as well. I nearly killed myself too. It was hard and still is for me.

I never get sick of reading coming out stories, and yours was not an exception. In fact, it was an especially good read! Good for you for coming out at 18. I came out ten years after you when I was 28 (last year). I only wish I could have done what you did when I was that age.

Great Story and Inspiring. I'm amazed on how you solve the problem I'm still fighting. It's true that it's getting harder everyday and one day we will fall if we still didn't accept this reality. This world is like survival of the fittest, if you're weak, you cannot survive longer.

" It does not matter what people think about you. As long as you are happy with being the person you are and living your life the way you want, nothing else matters"

Yep! I strongly agree. Still I can't do it, I'm still strongly bothered by what they think, so I can't open. I'm the one who is hiding just because I'm scared at what will happen if they know the real me... I always advice this quote yet I cannot do it myself, how pathetic I am.

I love how you face your challenge, I'm amazed how you build up courage and face this reality even though harder problem awaits. But you passed that challenge, you struggled and faced the reality, I'm amazed. I hope I can solve mine too.. Arigatou Gozaimasu~

hi please add me

I am amazed at your story. Being gay, having a true friend, being accepted by your family, after all the hardships you've been through. I totally salute you!,

I am going to bookmark this to read the rest later, but what all I have read so far is amazing! I am glad you poured your heart out and I hope you are feeling better now!

you really poured your heart out. i loved it.

very nice story-

Thank you for your story. Very constructive.

Amazing story!

Ur story resembles to me a lot... Felt it.

WOW! I am sooo happy you have such a great support system. It is so much needed. Yeah, a Gay Pride Festival can be a shocker in some ways the 1st time. But in time, you will find your group and hopefully all the bad is behind you now. Or at least the worst of it. All my best to you!!

I'm proud of myself cuz I read the whole story and it's long! :-D

I think you have done well coming out. I wish I had the same confidence at your age. I was 22 when I came out. Way to go

It will get better - good luck

Very powerful story. Thanks for writing it.. I hope you add me as a friend.. For some reason EP wont let me add you.

And I support you 100%, because I am an ally.

Your story is so amazing. I almost cried.

At least you're not fighting with yourself anymore. I'm not gay myself, but have had several friends who are, and they have had similar struggles themselves. One of the few things we have in life, is our freedom of expression. Something God has given us all. I hope that you do succeed in life (seems you've had several successes thus far), and take care.

First and foremost, thank you for being so courageous to share your story. It's wonderful to read. I wish you all the best always.

Your story is not that different from mine - only mine was a lot longer ago than yours. You are right, it's amazing how finally getting down to the truth, being real with who you are, and finding support from others, suddenly makes the world a much brighter place.

I have an exercise to share with you that was shared with me a long time ago - and I have since shared with many others. I hope it does for you what it has done for me and others.

Take a minute, find a quiet place somewhere - anywhere that you can have a quiet minute or two. Close your eyes, place your hands on your chest - and feel the life beating inside you. That's YOU - your life, your soul, your everything - alive, full of life - that precious, unique, truly one of kind soul that has never been before, and never will be again - it was placed in you when your life started, and is as brilliant and unique as the stars of the universe - and will never be duplicated. Take just a few seconds to feel that life - that breath of the universe that lives within you - treasure your uniqueness, your specialness, love who you are, every breath you take - and take that wonderful, special gift of life that's been given to you and share it back by giving of yourself to this life through your unique talents - and every so often, whenever you feel like it, just take a quick moment, close your eyes, put your hand on your heart, and remember how unique, precious, and special you are - and feel the breath of the universe that stirs within you.

Blessings of the universe be with you - and cherish always that one great blessing of the universe that IS you.

Hi, I would like to say first that I am a straight female but I found your story to be absolutely amazing and uplifting I have two daughters one grown ( 21 ) and the other just turned 10, my wish for them would be, to be as courageous and strong as you are, although my oldest is couragous as she has battled her demons in her past. I wish you great happiness along your journey.

Your Story was heart felt as well as daring, You have faced a lot in your short 18 years. I know you Have your whole life in front of you. So take each day as it comes and remember you will always have friends out there for you. Also if you ever need a friend just give me a shout and I will be there no matter what.. Take Care.

What you say really speaks. You've been right through and out the other side of so much but you will be so strong because of it.

It seems like you've had a roller coaster life in your younger days, and it looks like it got very serious when you were on the edge of suicide, I myself am a gay teen, haven't had trouble with it, but I commend your efforts to getting help and moving on to a better life against the odds. <br />
A tremendous effort :)

hey guys one morre thing never let narow minded morons like i love god43 get you down, and to i love god 43 do you even know what true love is i wounder but maney of us still love and respest your rites also ,,, and just rember that flying off the handel levas noting but a unatenet handel... love and respect for every one is the anser god truley whants............underpants gary

i was sorry to hear of the strukel you faced in eraly child hood it is verry hard for thoes of us that are gay when ther is no one to tell or when it seems that way i just want you know ther ara maney pepole out ther that love you for who you are and the same gos for who ever might see this do the verry best you can do every day for that is a great start and finesh in life part of life is that simpel love to all u p gary. ps cleen underpants help to , that wood be tiger red dash for me lol .just stayposative and things shoud and will be ok.. love u p gary

Dude. Why are you gay. That is not how God made you. He made you perfect. I mean, how will you have a child when you are gay. That is not how God made things. Pull yourself together. I really think there is a girl that likes you.

Well said, Sir. bwargo195, I take my hat off to you.

applause for bwargo195 :)

Hey, leave your imaginary friend out of this.