18 Long YearsI'm an eighteen year old gay boy who came out in April of 2012. My story is long because I have known that I was gay almost all my life but I will stick to the main points. My first experience was in second grade with another boy. I was confused for a long time until around fifth grade when I finally understood what being gay was. I was scared and afraid and still had many unanswered questions. I was too scared to tell anyone because I thought they would reject me, make fun of me or bully me, even my family. I also suffer from a learning disability called dyslexia. No one knew that I had it when I was younger and I struggled through school with it. My teachers thought that I was just being a bad kid and would not help me. I was bullied and made fun by my other classmates because I was so far behind in my studies. I lashed out and picked on other kids and had no friends. I slowly became really sad and almost committed suicide. But one of the staff members noticed how my behavior changed and told my parents. My parents decided to take me to the doctor and the doctor diagnosed me with depression. The doctor said I should be tested to find out why I was depressed. That is when we discovered that I had dyslexia. At the same time, I was seeing a psychiatrist to help me get over my depression and learn to block out bullying. This all happened during third grade. Because of this incidence, this was another reason for me not tell anyone that I was gay because I was scared of being bullied again. So I keep it a secret but I still had many questions. Around seventieth grade, I decided to look up information online and I stumbled on certain things I should have not been looking at but interested me. My dad caught me and freaked out. I was so scared of what was going to happen. But nothing happened and it slowly was forgotten, until another situation occurred. My younger brother, one morning, said something about his private parts that caused me to become irritated because I did not want to know about that. But my dad took it for a different meaning; he thought I had sexually interactions with my brother. For about two years, my dad bullied and harassed me about what he was assuming I was doing. I was horrified and took every measure to make sure that there was no chance of me and my brother being alone so my dad would not expect anything. I grew to hate my brother because I blamed him for what happened, but he did know what would have when he said though things. I regret ever feeling that way towards him and blaming him. Finally my dad lost it, one day I walked in to my parent’s room to see my dad crying. He told me that I was a sex fiend and that I every touched my brother again he would turn me and have me registered as a sex offender, I was fourteen. I tried to tell my dad the truth but he would not let me speak and told me to get out. I was scared and in pain, I thought the only thing I could do was to tell my mom. My mom and I confronted my dad and told him the truth. After a lot of tears, my dad and I made up and were able to put this in the past. But this experience scared me so bad that I thought that if I told my family I was gay, my dad would believe his assumptions were true, so I keep quiet.
I said nothing for many years but each year the burden got heavier. The loneliness and isolation was unbearable. I had no one to talk to for so long about my feelings and questions, it torn me apart inside. It was hard for me not to be able to be myself. I gave up a lot of things I love to do like dancing, drawing/painting and piano. I gave on the activities I loved because I was scared if I did them people would believe I was gay. I did activities most straight boys did because I thought if I did; it would be harder for people to suspect that I was gay. Each year it got harder for me to keep the secret and the pain increased but I was able to hide it from everyone until my junior year in high school. I was on the school’s football team and we were very good and competitive. The coaches decided to design a new way to call out plays using letter and numbers. This scared me because of my dyslexia I would have trouble reading the plays. I did not to want tell the coaches because then I would receive special treatment and afraid of pla
I was able to get through the fall and winter alright with some problems. But I was still very depressed and with spring football around the corner it was getting harder to deal with the stress. For I decided not to play football that year because I did not want another repercussion and I received a lot of peer pressure. People were confused on why I did not what to play football because the play issue was not that serious. That is when I realized that I need to tell someone I was gay because if I keep going on in the direction I was heading, something bad would happen. I had no idea who to tell because this was such a serious issue because I was suicidal. I thought the only person I could tell and trust was my mom. In the middle of April, I told my mom that I was gay. She understood perfectly why I was feeling the way I was and said she would take me to the doctors to get help. I was so relieved that something was finally happening. But nothing happened for two weeks and things took a turn for the worst. I had tons of schoolwork, the pressure from football pla
I am now seeing a psychiatrist to deal with the depression and also seeing a counselor about the depression too. The counselor is also helping me deal with being gay and gives me advice about what to do. I am going to a support group for gay men so I can make friends and be around people like me. I also told my family and some friends and response was amazing and unbelievable. My family loves and supports me no matter what. My dad is totally fine with me being gay and still loves me and does not believe any of his assumptions were true. My friends also accepted me and did not care that I am gay. My friends have been there for me through this whole predicament and listen to me and support me. There is one special person I would like to thank because she has been there for me from the beginning. She has given me support, encourage, advice, listened to me and most of all, true friendship. I don’t think I would be where I’m at right now without her and I’m forever grateful. Everything is better than I ever imaged possible. I still not playing football, I am currently enrolled at my local community college in the running start program which I am excited to start and make new friends. I have found help to deal with my dyslexia and it is no longer a problem. I have met some amazing gay guys that have taught me so much about the gay culture and are my good friends too. After eighteen years of loneliness, I was finally able to experience my first romance. I it was amazing but short lived. I wish things happened differently but I can’t change the past. I was happy for the experience and I’m excited for more. We are still good friends and I am very happy and grateful for that friendship too. I finally got to experience my first pride in June which was amazing. It opened my eyes to a new world and showed me things I have never seen before, some were good but some were unwanted. For once in my life I am able to live and act the way I what to. It is some much better then I every imaged and delighted I came out but I’m not totally out.
I have learned so much over the past months and starting to live my life a new way, my way. I realized that even though that I am out, if I am not totally out I still can’t live the way I what to. I was scared at first to come out because of what people would say or do. I realized that is does not matter what people think about you. As long as you are happy with being the person you are and living your life the way you want, nothing else matters. So I have decided to come out totally by being myself. I know I will lose friends and make new enemies because of my decision but I do not care anymore for my happiness is more important. I know it’s going to be a rough next year but I am ready because I am stronger now and can handle it. I will have the support of my family and friends too. One of the hardest parts was the isolation. To have no one to talk about the confusing feelings, the truth about gays and just someone to confide in is extremely hard and depressing. For people who are in the same situation, I advise to find someone you trust and tell them the truth. Just the feeling that someone knows and cares about you without passing judgement is astounding, a relief and removes so much stress. For those times when you feel alone, now you have someone to talk to and share your feelings with. It made a huge difference in my life when I told my friend because of all the things she did for me. People who are thinking about committing suicide do not do it. I know you may be in a lot of pain and agony but killing yourself is not the answer. Pain is temporary and can be healed, death cannot. The pain you cause the people that love you can never be healed and will always be there. If you need help, find help. There may where to receive help: online, calling a hotline, talking to a school counselor, family member, a close friend or going to a support group. I know suicide may seem like the best answer but it is not, it never is. IF you are not ready to talk about your issue and want to wait for a better time than do so. But if it is too hard to keep it in anymore then I urge you to seek help for there is always help. I know I still have a long ways to go but it is so much better now than before. People who are in doubt, it does it get better, I promise. Thank you for taking some of your time and reading my story, I hope it helped someone in trouble.