My StoryI am gay. I have been attracted to men since I can remember. I am not out, but being 22 years old, and not having relationships with women, it is really hard to keep it a secret. I am a masculine guy, so people cant really know that I am; though on the other side I am a decently good looking guy, and girls flirt with me, but my friends probably wonder why I dont frequent girls. Over the past years I have been going from one place to the other(moved to college in a different city, studied abroad two times living outside of the country for about a year, and now after graduating from college I am living in a different city) to run away from people so they dont start doubting and asking themselves why I dont have a girlfriend. I have also made out with girls at clubs and parties so my friends think I am straight. I really cant not deal with this lie anymore, I feel so frustrated and desperate. I am afraid of coming out because of the same reason as many people here do.
I had been feeling very bad today and came here because last night, after having some drinks I started making out with this girl and went to her room, but I could not do it with her, I tried but nothing, I told her that I did not have a condom and that I was sorry, that I will not do it without one, and since other friends were in the house already sleeping (and I was not good to drive) I passed out at the couch. This is the third girl I have tried to pull it off with, before I was able trying hard, but this time I could not. I feel so frustrated and I have been feeling real bad the whole day realizing that I could not have a normal life and maybe get a wife and a family(pretending to be straight) in the future.
I have had an experience with a guy but only once, and it just felt right; though I wish I was just normal, I hate being the way I am, I feel really lonely and I wish that I could be with a person that loves me and I can love too. My family is asking me when I am going to bring them a girlfriend, but since I live away, I just joke around saying that I have many girls with benefits and that I could not be in a serious relationship because I wanted to concentrate in my studies.
Another huge problem that I have is the I wish I could meet other gay guys, but since I only feel attraction to masculine guys, I cant not know whether someone is gay or not. Any suggestion on what to do? I have hanged out with guys I really liked and got really close to them, creating good relationships waiting for something to happen, waiting for one somebody to say something first, but nothing has happened. I can say that I have felt in love, and it really hurts not being able to be with that person.
To meet guys, I have thought about going to gay bars, but dont feel comfortable going alone, I dont know what I am going to find there, and I am very but very scared of ppl finding out. Any advise, please help!!! I HATE BEING IN THIS SITUATION. I just cry alone sometimes to let it go away.