My Story

I am gay. I have been attracted to men since I can remember. I am not out, but being 22 years old, and not having relationships with women, it is really hard to keep it a secret. I am a masculine guy, so people cant really know that I am; though on the other side I am a decently good looking guy, and girls flirt with me, but my friends probably wonder why I dont frequent girls. Over the past years I have been going from one place to the other(moved to college in a different city, studied abroad two times living outside of the country for about a year, and now after graduating from college I am living in a different city) to run away from people so they dont start doubting and asking themselves why I dont have a girlfriend. I have also made out with girls at clubs and parties so my friends think I am straight. I really cant not deal with this lie anymore, I feel so frustrated and desperate. I am afraid of coming out because of the same reason as many people here do.

I had been feeling very bad today and came here because last night, after having some drinks I started making out with this girl and went to her room, but I could not do it with her, I tried but nothing, I told her that I did not have a condom and that I was sorry, that I will not do it without one, and since other friends were in the house already sleeping (and I was not good to drive) I passed out at the couch. This is the third girl I have tried to pull it off with, before I was able trying hard, but this time I could not. I feel so frustrated and I have been feeling real bad the whole day realizing that I could not have a normal life and maybe get a wife and a family(pretending to be straight) in the future.

I have had an experience with a guy but only once, and it just felt right; though I wish I was just normal, I hate being the way I am, I feel really lonely and I wish that I could be with a person that loves me and I can love too. My family is asking me when I am going to bring them a girlfriend, but since I live away, I just joke around saying that I have many girls with benefits and that I could not be in a serious relationship because I wanted to concentrate in my studies.

Another huge problem that I have is the I wish I could meet other gay guys, but since I only feel attraction to masculine guys, I cant not know whether someone is gay or not. Any suggestion on what to do? I have hanged out with guys I really liked and got really close to them, creating good relationships waiting for something to happen, waiting for one somebody to say something first, but nothing has happened. I can say that I have felt in love, and it really hurts not being able to be with that person.
To meet guys, I have thought about going to gay bars, but dont feel comfortable going alone, I dont know what I am going to find there, and I am very but very scared of ppl finding out. Any advise, please help!!! I HATE BEING IN THIS SITUATION. I just cry alone sometimes to let it go away.
ecr22 ecr22
22-25, M
5 Responses Sep 3, 2012

Like any other relationship, the best foundation is friendship. Try befriending men, you'll never know, one of them might be gay and interested to you. One thing I realized, when you are in a relationship, your partner becomes your very best friend. You travel together, eat together, watch movie together, etc. Love comes at the most unexpected moment. Expand your network. I have a friend that told me, when he met his partner long time ago, he felt that this person is the other half he has been looking for. I asked him, how did he know. He told me then, You just knew. Somehow, even just after meeting him, you'll feel that both of you has this connection.

Thank you so much everyone, I appreciate your support.

Im sorry:/ but honestly i can relate im in high school and i wish i could just know whos gay or not cause the only people i know that are gay are feminine i like masculine guys to but we will have to wait for the right guy:)

well i m 26 and gay and no one of my family knows that ... some of my gay, bi friends know that i m gay .... but try to find someone, use the social networking sites, or go to gay bars .. once u find someone it will get easier.

I'm in no place to give you advice but I feel sorry for you. Maybe mature guys out here may help you. I feel sorry that I can't give you any advice. But hold on and WE ARE WITH YOU.