I Am A Gay Dude

I first realized I was gay just before I entered 7th grade. I had had all these confusing feelings all my life, realizing I was attracted to guys, only I never really knew what gay was until I was in 6th grade. In 6th grade, I was afraid my parents would have me because I was gay, and so I tried to ask out all of these girls, which never happened because everyone was mean to me in 6th grade. Anyway, I came out in 7th grade, and I tried telling my mom about this one guy that I liked (I liked a few guys) in the grade above me, but she thought I just admired him. We moved to the DC Area the following year, and I was depressed because of the weather and because I missed my friends. However, I liked a few guys, and even developed seriousl feelings for this particular guy there. Sadly for me, he was straight, and everything was awkward around him. I bceame kind of obsessed with him, and when he got a girlfriend, I was very sad and upset, and I thought nobody would ever love me. Not just because he was straight and I really liked him, but because I couldn't be myself around my parents. I thought of killing myself and nearly took my life, but in the end I couldn't do it. I ended up going to two therapy sessions, but since my mom was there, I said that I was depressed only because of the cold snowy weather, rather than me being gay and liking this one guy, we'll call him Elvis. I decided to focus on other things after that year, during the summer break. I was in better shape because it was warm outside and my family went on vacations. Just a few days after school was done, we took a road trip up to Toronto, coincidentally, the week of Toronto Pride. I was curious, and wanted to learn more about the gay community since I am a member. I asked my mom what it was, and she said she would only tell me if I confirmed whether I am gay or straight. I told her I was gay eventually, and she cried the whole rest of the night. The next day, we went to walk around the large lobby and talk. My mom tried saying that I wasn't gay because I liked girls before (remember I said asked out those girls in 6th grade). I realized that she would never accept me for just being gay, and I told her that maybe I just like people because of their personalities, regardless of their gender. I was still so insecure at the time anyway. As I entered 9th grade, I barely had any interactions around Elvis for the first semester, but I was so upset because he was in a relationship with another girl. I realized that year that I had fallen in love with him, but I tried to keep my distance because I didn't want things to be awkward. I focused mostly on my friendships and schoolwork. However, my mom kept bothering me and changing her mind about whether or not I was gay. She came downstairs one day and told me that I can't be gay, since I'm the firstborn of my Russian dad. She told me to keep it a secret. Later, she came down and told me she didn't trust me around my two little brothers, which made me cry, only for her to say that she was just making a joke. I'll never know if she truly was joking. After that, she told me she didn't think I was gay, but she didn't think I was straight either. She thought I was bi, so I went with that. I thought maybe she would accept me, since she has LGBT friends. However, she told me to make the "right choice" and marry a woman and date girls, because she thinks G-d says being gay is a sin. I was very mad at her for saying this, so I kept quiet during the conversation and I realized that I could never truly be myself around her and that she would never accept me. We both agreed to keep this a secret from my dad. But gossip spread around the school and my brother heard rumors, which made my mom angry, but it was resolved and everything went back to normal. As second semester began, I was in two classes with Elvis, and we got closer, as friends. Still, it was so hard for me to keep my love for him a secret, especially when I saw him go from girl to girl. I had a little bit of a crush on his big brother as well, but that got nowhere. The rest of the year and summer break, I convinced myself that we would never be together, and by dwelling on what I want, I was making myself suffer. As 10th grade began, I found myself in almost every class with him, as if this were some kind of sick joke. Still, our friendship began to strengthen, and I found myself happy that more people were thinking of me as "just one of the guys". I started looking at other guys that I found myself attracted to, to no avail. Eventually, the love I had buried deep inside me started to resurface when he started getting flirty with me. Elvis asked me one time to feel his nipple, which he though was swollen. I did so, but I was surprised how it wasn't awkward. He'd always put his arm around me, or pat my back. One time, Elvis even pulled my chair closer to him. I remember even one time we were playing around in class and our hands touched for a few seconds. It felt so warm, so comfortable, and the way we smiled at each other..."Could there be something between us...?" I wondered, but I knew that I had to keep quiet about my feelings for him because he was dating a friend of mine. But he kept putting the moves on me. He asked me for a piggy back ride one time. Another time in chemistry (ironically), he was sitting by his girlfriend. I was looking at him because I got distracted, and I was sitting alone across the room. I found myself admiring his looks for the billionth time, and he looked back at me. I tore my gaze away from him, but his brown eyes were still looking at me. I could feel it. I looked back at him, and after a few seconds, he just got up from the desk and walked right towards me, sitting down right across from me without a word. Eventually, we started to work together. But I think that his girlfriend was catching on to something. I had to keep quiet, but I remember thinking he was interested, especially when he asked me for a piggy back ride, and all his straight friends looked at him weird. Plus, he came up to me one day in the library, wearing this sexy biker leather jacket. He and my two friends started laughing because I was watching a soap opera (I'm a HUGE Days of Our Lives fan!). Anways, he came up to my neck and whispered if I had seen one of our friends. I said no, and he left. I wondered why he didn't ask my two friends, since they were in our grade, but wondered if he liked me. And I was blushing and feeling really hot, which my friend pointed out to me. Later, in math class, I was feeling down because of my math learning disability, and said that I was terrible at math. Elvis told me, "you're good at a lot of other things". We looked at each other for a few seconds and I smiled, and our hands touched as we started playing with a pencil. His girlfriend was staring; she has to know what was going on. I remember June 1, 2011, the day of my spring concert, just a week before school was out. I asked Elvis to help me put on my tie, and he tried. Two of our friends were smiling and giggling, and he said "this is nothing sexual". We all told him that we didn't think it was, given that I'm gay and he has a girlfriend. He got a call from his mom, and couldn't tie it so he left. I was glad he did because my dad showed up just a minute later, and he would've been suspicious. We were moving back to San Diego, and I had written in my journal that I had fallen in love with Elvis, and I would miss him. Of course, my parents read it and were mad, especially my mom. She told me I'm only feeling this way because of my math learning disability (absurd, right?), and that he was playing me. We went on vacation to the Dominican Republic, and I remember one of the employees was teaching me a dance. My mom heard about it, and asked why I was dancing with guys. I told her it wasn't like that, and she told me to "behave". Later she asked if I was attracted to both guys and girls, and I told her yes, lying, so that she'd accept me. But she read from my journal and discovered the truth that I was only fooling her so she'd accept me. Eventually, she and my dad and I had a talk. My dad said that he hadn't given birth to a daughter, and he wanted me to act like a son. They claimed I was only "pretending" so I could have even more attention. I told them that they disgust me, and after a few more minutes of fighting, I left and went to sleep. In junior year, back to my old school in San Diego, I decided it was the perfect fresh start, but I continued crying and being sad because I missed Elvis, who had just split up with his gf. My mom suspected as much, but rudely told me she was going to remove me from that school anyway, since I had "screwed everything up". I found so many hot guys at my new school, one of whom was a bi bad boy, but we were too different to be together. There was another guy that I liked, and he liked me. He was a freshman, two years younger than I, and eventually I had my first kiss with him-or with anyone-on Valentine's Day this year. But after that, he said he didn't want us to be together. I felt bad, but got over it. He apologized, and we decided to take things slow, but nothing else ever happened between us, which I didn't mind. My parents, however, came under the impression that we were together, and I tried arguing with them, saying we weren't, but they told me that I had to stop "pretending" because it would destroy our lives. I realized that I would never be able to be myself around them, but in college, I would have more freedom. I ended up realizing my deeper feelings for another guy (I wrote about him in one of my other stories, "Am I In Love For A Second Time?"), but that got nowhere either, and I left the school and am taking online classes for my senior year. I have some great friends from both schools that support me, and I'm happy with myself and accepting of how I am. I know that another confrontation with my parents is inevitable, and I'm nervous, but I can't keep pretending.

This was a long story, but I guess what I want to say is that, despite everything I've been through, every heartbreak and every argument with my parents, I haven't been broken and I won't give up on my life. I'm like titanium, I guess, and yes, the Sia/David Guetta song made me think of that, but it's true, and that's what the song means for me. In fact, I'm listening to it now. Anyways, I'll keep going because I know that life will get better in college. What I want to say is that, if anyone who is reading this is having troubles similar to me, don't take your life, because you never know when things will improve for you, and when you will meet that special someone. Because no matter what's going on now, there is a soulmate waiting out there for you that will love you and accept you for who you are, and be your rock if your parents aren't there for you. If you ever need to talk, I'm always here. I hope you enjoyed my story, and thanks for reading. Have a nice day, and good luck with everything.
DaysEJole DaysEJole
18-21, M
8 Responses Dec 14, 2012

I loved how the story escalated and came to a bitter ending (I hope it isn't really the end). This was inspiring and I hope you get to discover yourself better. You have to forgive your parents for the way they are, everyone has their own perspective in life, and you do too. As important as forgiving your parents, you also have to forgive yourself. You should know what's best for you, knowing yourself better will greatly help you in the later years of your life. If you seem to can't find someone who you think is perfect for you, you have to wait. Keep searching not only for that person, but search the deeper into your heart. Make the right decisions not only for others, but for yourself too. And I know you will. :)

Whatever happened to Elvis? OMG :') loved this experience. You are like my idol now...

OMG thank you so much!! I am honored! So glad I could help/inspire someone else.

<3

Hey I am in the same position and it's hard I know and ok glad u got through it

Thanks man! Keep up the faith. I'm sure one day your loved ones will come around.

wooow man what a great story ..... i think you can be gay teen role model and i hope every person should accept and deal with challenges ..... and we should have the positive attitude towards life.

Oh my gosh, thanks so much for the nice words, they mean a lot! And also thanks for reading my story!

you are welcome... and i should thank you cause ur story made my day

omg, wonderful story. you're an inspirational person !

Thank you so much! It means a lot to me that you read my story and feel that way about me!

You are simply amazing. Nothing more to say. I admire your resilience, amazing. Simply amazing.

Thank you so much, that means a lot to me. I'm so glad you read my story and liked it.

You're a role model to every gay dude out there. Hats off to you:)

wish i could add u as a friend....i really enjoyed your story...made me think twice about some things....esp the killing yourself part....i had that perfect someone once, now im not so sure he's perfect anymore, maybe its just me...anyways, i feel bad for what your mum is doing/has done to you...shes so indecisive...thanks for this story, i like that it was long,....all the best in everything...

Thanks so much for reading my story. I'm not sure how to add you as a friend, but I will add you to my circle. I hope everything works out for you and your lover, and if not, well I'm sure you'll find someone. All the best!

one thing to say: **** YA PARENTS! and esspecially your ******* stupid mom.. umm, sorry for that.. :c