One Night in Aberdeen
On December 8th 1981, aged 23, I had a midnight epiphany lying in bed staring at the stars through the velux window above my attic bedroom. I had survived university as a very closeted gay guy despite two potential first-time close encounters with other gay or bisexual guys my age. But the first sexual approach had been early in my adolescence.
A guy several years older than me had made his sexual interest in me plainly obvious when we found ourselves alone when I was aged fourteen. I had imagined I was alone in my parents' house and was emerging from the bathroom after a lazy late morning bath, naked and feeling horny without a care in the world. The bathroom door was on a mezzanine level at the bend in the staircase in full view of the hallway below. I was very surprised to see an intruder in the house just standing there in the hall, bold as brass. He was a curly brown haired 17 year old decorator's apprentice I had seen the previous summer during the redecorating of the hallway and stairwell we were occupying. He had come round to deliver some wallpaper samples with price estimates for work on the living room and dinning room and had just let himself in through the unlocked front door.
He was wearing dungarees and had a spray of white paint flecks on his tanned shoulders. He asked me where my parents were so he could take a message back to his boss but I ducked my body behind the bend of the stair and peered out at him sheepishly saying my parents were visiting friends in another town. I realised he must have seen me sexually excited. To my surprise he followed me up around the bend engaging me with his brown eyes and casual conversation. I retreated backwards to the floor above not wishing to turn my back to him and covering my rebellious rod with my hands. I hoped he might keep his distance. He did pause momentarily about three quarters of the way up the stairs but seeing me, a blonde bare boy on the landing above, blushing profusely through the banisters and trying unsuccessfully to conceal the existence of my stubborn vertically thrust erection he came closer again. I told him to stop right there and stammering that he should leave but he started to unbutton the straps on his dungarees one by one saying he didn't mind getting naked too if that made me feel easier about the situation.
As his dungarees slowly slid off his fit body I glimpsed his erect brown nipples and the short brown hairs on his sexually mature chest, his belly button and the path of hairs leading down to his six pack to his groin area...I'm not sure I saw the end of his foreskin or the tip of his penis poking up too but I turned away instinctively diving into my parent’s bedroom and bolting the door behind me.
I was in a sweat of confusion. I felt myself shiver and have hot flushes by turns, uncontrollably so from head to foot. I was completely overcome and terrified. He knocked softly on the door, saying he didn't mean to frighten me and urged me to open up and join him on the landing. His voice was soft like a cooing dove through the door. He said it was no big deal being naked together and that it might be fun to check each other out for a while. But something in me sensed the coiled serpent of his lust waiting to strike. I knew if I opened the door I might very well give myself up to him and the thought filled me with dread.
I could hardly speak but then at last I found my voice again and said that I would not be coming out anytime soon and that I thought he should let himself out before my parents returned. In a short while I heard his footsteps retreat slowly down the staircase and then the front door close firmly behind him. I stayed in the bolted room for an hour or more not believing he had gone and trembling like a leaf at my own excitement at being so discovered and nearly undone. Then I ventured out to my own room to get myself dressed and tried to forget the sexual intimacy that had so nearly overwhelmed me.
Several years later at university, my usually confident and outgoing nature would become nervous and uncertain as soon as I felt another boy invade my personal space or sensed a sexualisation of a situation with a guy. I was touched up a few times, not always intentionally but the effect was always the same. There were two unmistakable sexual advances on me though.
The first was at a party when I froze and eventually freaked the guy out so much with my stupor and trembling that he moved away and later I saw him take up with someone else with whom he later left the party.
The second time at university was ultimately much more disconcerting. It was with a guy I had heard rumours. We studied the History of Western Music together and sat close to each other during those lectures and knew people in common. One day he visited me in my hall of residence when I was holed up in bed with the flu. No-one else had visited me in days. He sat on the edge of my bed and after some small talk he found a reason to tell me about a special friendship he had forged with a guy his own age when he was fourteen. They had met on a caravan holiday in Wales with their respective families. They had confessed to each other that they were both into obsessive self pleasurement and had found the confession a great weight off their respective shoulders. I asked him why he was telling me this story and he said that he knew there had been rumours about him being gay on campus and wanted to reassure me that though he was probably bi-sexual that he was definitely not into younger guys, like choirboy age. I had heard that rumour in fact...but he confessed that he did abuse himself several times a day but had only practiced mutual gratification with this one guy just to give each other a sense of mutual release from the terrible guilt they both felt. He then let his hand come to rest on the sheet concealing my upper thigh and I nearly jumped out of my skin.
He too jumped at my adverse response. I told him he should leave immediately and that I was not interested in helping him relive his fourteen year old gratificational experience or fantasy. So he left me very quickly wishing me better quite soon.
Barely a year later, I learned with disbelief from fellow students that he had been sentenced to two years in jail when the parents of an underage choirboy he had been abusing had gone straight to the police. This sudden knowledge that he had lied to me sent a shiver of distrust through me that compounded my sense of not being ready to explore my gay sexuality in any way. I felt completely terrified.
Then, a year after graduating from university on that curious night of wonder on December 8th 1981, when I found myself staring up at the night sky all on my own, I felt really calm and happy and unafraid suddenly. I was listening to one of Richard Strauss' Four Last Songs on my music centre and when the song finished I knew that I should be myself and that I had nothing to fear from that. I decided in that moment that I should open myself up to having a meaningful but honest relationship with another guy.
Within a couple of days I had found out where the gay bar in town was. It was not a gay bar as such but ga and bisexual guys were known to congregate there most nights at one end of the bar. I bought myself a drink and hoped I might be invited to join some of the conversation though no-one spoke to me the whole evening. I did overhear someone agree to meet the others on Friday night at a weekly gay disco called Daisy's down in the docks area of Aberdeen. So my evening was not entirely wasted.
That Friday night at Daisy's Disco there were over 200 guys in quite a small bar and disco. The place looked like it was at least 50 guys over the fire safety limit for the place but nobody seemed to care. The air was heady with booze and Poppers, guys in white tops and slacks or in black leather gear. I wasn't sure if this was really going to be my scene from now on but I found it new and exciting. It was great to be asked to dance by other guys. I found I was a natural dancer too which was a buzz.
The evening would always end to a ritual pairing off, a diming of the lights and a slow dance to Randy Crawford's ''One Night You'll Fly Away'. This would be followed by the lights going up to Gracie Fields' austerity years hit 'Cheerio as You Wave Me Goodbye!'.
A couple months after my experience of these Friday night discos began and about an hour before Randy Crawford and Gracie Fields brought the evening to a ritual close, I was accosted by this shaved, muscled guy with a moustache all dressed in white. He didn't want to dance with me but he got me into conversation with a smile and had the oddest sounding chat up line I’d heard up to that point:
'My boyfriend wants to have you. He is a shy guy though and no way going to make the first move on yoy. He has not spoken to you yet but he's been looking at you this last few weeks and he's decided he really likes you. It’s the first time this has happened to him since we first met eight years ago.'
'So?' I said ' If he's your boyfriend why do you seem so happy to be telling me this?'
'Just look at him over there will you?' he pleaded 'He's the guy in white sitting at the end of the bar over there.'
I looked across and there was this very normal looking guy but with nice eyes. He had the regulation moustache but a very genuine look about him. He didn't seem shy exactly just a bit more serious than the norm. Nevertheless I couldn't quite see where this interesting looking introduction could possibly lead.
'So you guys want a three in a bed thing with me? Gosh! I'm not sure I'm really ready for that with anyone. No disrespect to you guys. You probably don't believe this but I'm still a virgin.'
'Yeah but you don't understand. We both don't want to share a bed with you. My partner is not interested in ********** or anyone else but us it seems. But I want to sleep with another friend. If you will come home with us no-one is going to make you do anything you don't want to do. But if you want to spend some time alone with my partner you guys can make out if you want to. He's a really great guy. I think you two could get on really well as friends whatever else happens between you. I have another guy I would really like to bring home tonight but if you don't come along I don't get to invite him home either. That's the deal we have. Would be a first for me too. Neither of us has ever been with anyone else up to now though I have wanted to try stuff with other guys for a long time.'
So we went back to their nice house. We did indeed have a few more drinks and listened to some more music though it was pop music: Ultravox, Wham and Culture Club, not disco music as such. The other two guys disappeared to the spare bedroom leaving us the living room and the super king bed in the master bedroom for later. This was partly for their own enjoyment but also so we shy ones might have more space to spread out and wouldn't feel pressurized to have physical contact if we weren't really ready for that.
We were quite drunk and seriously tired by the time we went to the master bedroom and undressed in the dark. We slipped under the covers at opposite ends of the enormous bed and soon fell asleep, or at least I did. About seven in the morning my host appeared in a white dressing gown offering me a glass of water, two Paracetomol tablets and a mug of hot tea. He placed the drinks on a couple of coasters on the bed side table on my side. He smiled boyishly and I must have smiled back at him the same way. I sat up took the Paracetomol tablets immediately with the water and then started on the tea and as he ambled round the bed over to his side, disrobed revealing a partial erection and climbed back into his side of the bed. As I finished my welcome cup of tea we began to talk.
Next I found myself leaning over to kiss him full on the mouth and we both became very involved and fully aroused soon after that. We pulled back the covers and found he had a handsome very erect penis as thick as mine but his balls were a bit larger and shaved, not that mine were that hairy. As I moved down to touch and look at his prancing manhood close up he moved down the bed to assume a 69 position, I felt the adrenaline and intense pleasure rush of feeling my erect penis being sucked for the first time. The shock of feeling the bristles of his moustache tickle my balls made me squeal with intense delight.
So I tasted someone else’s precum for the first time also as I returned the favour and licked and squeezed the firm pronounced knob of his thick penis in my mouth.
He realised almost without being told that my balls were incredibly erogenous, like I had a throbbing clitoris buried underneath and between them somewhere. After sucking my penis very expertly for a while he tuned to licking and sucking my balls and rubbing his chin and moustache over and between them while he stroked my penis firmly and smoothly with his large hand. I went into seventh heaven and with both my family jewels still locked helplessly in his warm wet manly mouth I came and came shooting lightning bursts of white seed high into the air and down all over my legs, his face and the bedding.
I had waited a long time for that. And when I could shoot no more I heard his breath quicken, his body convulse and his penis harden as he began to shoot and add his contribution to the hot mess we found ourselves in. That whole experience was so intense! And in a strange way we both knew we had found a soul mate in each other too.
We continued to meet at weekends when his partner found a friend (not always the same one!). On subsequent occasions we made sweet music as soon as we were alone. We would wake each other and make love again half way through the night and often do the same again in the morning before hitting the shower.
I knew these guys really liked to do anal sex together on a versatile basis but that was something we never did together ourselves. That was out of bounds and I didn't question it. We were just happy to be together sometimes in a happy guilt free coupling that was always so great.
Over the years we coupled on this approved basis many, many a time. In all those five or six years my friend never coupled for the night with anyone else but me or his partner. That was him. But his partner went through a series of alternative partners with very similar Burt Reynolds or Tom Selleck looks. But over the years the three of us became very close friends. We celebrated Christmas together several years and even went on holidays and long weekend city breaks together. We never slept all three in the same bed however. Not even once. Didn't ever see his partner naked either. That's just the way things were. Very discreet.
Eventually, I decided I was ready to have my own long-term relationship as a one-to-one. I found it really hard to say that I didn't think a serious prospective partner would ever understand or allow our long-standing 'friends with benefits' arrangement to continue... but finally I told my friend.
The last time we made love it was a knowing long goodbye. We both broke down and cried half way through. But we continued and made love as never before rolling off the bed and on to the carpet. When he didn't penetrate me as I had longed he might do one day I found myself lifting his legs up, hooking them back and apart with my forearms and kissing him on the mouth as I lovingly penetrated him slowly but deeply in the heat of incredible passion... without artificial lube ....or a condom. We both somehow came together with me thrusting firmly inside him and him completely lost to the urgency of my desire to have him like this and him to be mastered by me at last.
Later I wondered if I had done the right thing breaking up with him finally because there was such a real emotional connection between us and a powerful sexual attraction too that was still strong after nearly six years of seeing each other very regularly.
Then he rang me out of the blue about six weeks later later to ask if I had met anyone special yet and to break the shocking news to me that his partner of fourteen years had suddenly run off with a married man and saying he would not be coming back!
At first we both took this to be an unspoken sign that we should consider getting together but this time as a couple and I arranged to fly that weekend to be with him. But a day or two later he rang me to say that his boyfriend had been rejected by the married man who didn't want to leave his wife and kids after all. So the partners were sleeping in separate beds but under the same roof again, still unsure what the future held for their wrecked apparently relationship.
He cried down the phone saying he was not sure he should take him back now and how did I feel about it? After a very long pause something inside me made me realise he was just asking me for my permission for him to take his partner back. So against everything I felt I wanted for myself I told him they both belonged together and that I would cancel my flight and give them some space to work things out on their own as they should do.
We did stay in touch by post and email after that and at least with Christmas cards in the years to come but we never met in person again. As far as I know they are still together and after several one year relationships with younger guys and then two long-term relationships, the first with a woman for ten years and then another lasting five years with a guy, I'm now single again wondering what on earth the future holds for guys of 55 who still have a strong libido and the need of close companionship.