I Feel Totally ****** Up , Depression Got Me Again , Or It's Just The Truth

i wanna sum up my story to my whole life was ****** up about gay thing and never thought i'm gonna be in love or have a relationship or have a sex or even a gay friend .... and spent 8 years repressing my feelings , and no one know about anything . just normal straight guy , that what they think , family, friends ,all people around me . but everything changed now since a tried to contact some gays . i was despaired , i wanted someone to know me for what i really am before everything gonna explode . and it worked at the beginning . but now my repressed emotions are about to explode , or it's already are . having someone who love me for what i really am , was my last expectations . i love old guys ( really old between 50-90) . and i met this gay man who told me on online chat that he loves me . and want me . and he want to do anything to be with me . i thought yea , np , he is handsome and sexy and loves me and i like him ( but not in love with him ) till the first week has passed , at this week he was very jealous , sensitive , caring and many other good qualities i liked . but suddenly happened the an expected . i was totally in love with this man , in a very cruel way i can't bear . WTF is happening . yes i know about love but not to this level . the level of killing myself instantly if i loosed him . even if i found out he is not in love with me , i will still in love with him , even he betrays me i will be in love with him . and i only think of death of the idea of leaving him came into my head . this can't be . i feel like i charmed by him . and may someone ask why i'm not happy with him and feel all this pain . i say it''s online love only . and we can't meet till i finish my graduation in three years . and i don't think one hour a day is enough for us . but what else we can do . and now doubts gonna kill me . i'm doubting everything now . even myself , and i'm afraid to tell him and leave me , because i tried before and almost broke up and i couldn't bear 3 hours away from him . and promised him not to feel bad again . please someone help me i can't live anymore
An Ep User An EP User
Jan 21, 2013