I Am Disappointed
I feel really disappointed! I thought after i'll come to adulthood, i'll become more satisfied with who i am! I thought i would accept my self the way i am! When i first discovered my sexuality, i was afrais, i don't wanted to be "different", i believed it is really evil to be a homosexual! I felt devastated, filthy, horrible, i desevre the wrath of the All Mighty! But than, i had sex for the first time, and it was, oh, wow! it felt so right! It felt tremendously agreable and amazing to be in the arms of another man! I felt love! So, i've told myself, how could it be wrong if it felt so Right! And i started to embrace my sexuality, i lived my homosexuality to the fullest, and i was, or i thought i was, satisfied about the way i am living my life! Until recently, i don't know why, i don't know how, or maybe i do know, maybe iwas just pushing these feelings down for a long time, maybe iwas just passing my time having fun and making sex just to forget, or to run from these damn feelings. I've begun to sense the same feelings i used to have many years ago, and it even getting worth, even after sex, i feel the regrets, i feel i've doing something low, i feel i am a dirty little ****. And the thing that make it feel even harder, is that i am not who i am, i have a dual personnality, my secret life as a gay, and my social life as a good "normal", even "pious" person! People thinks that i am a very good man, many female colleagues want to hook up with me, they think i am very intellectual, elegant, funny, kind, etc. But, they don't know me, they don't know the real me, they don't know what a dirty little **** i am! Oh, God! I am confused, i am scared, and above all i am disappointed, very disappointed! I wanted things to get better, i wanted to feel good about who i am! But i can't! I don't see how would i come out from this situation, i am trapped in a circle of sexual desire and guilt! I can talk to anyone about this, i could never even dream about telling to anyone what i write here! Here again, the dual personnality, here i am the real me, but i can be really me only in the Cyber world! I feel like a hypocrite! But there is no way out of this prison i'm living in! I hope there was a cure me from being gay-no offense, i don't mean that we, gay people, are sick, but i am trying to explain my feelings- being so "different"! Than i think, am i really this "different", i don't know, are we "diffeent"?! Is it really so "different" to fantasize, to love, people of the same sex! I don't know! Is it really abnormal, or our societies are not evolved enough to accept such concept! Or is it the religion? Or, is it God? I don't know, maybe it is me! Maybe i am a mentally ill person, maybe i lack self control! Maybe, it is my fault, maybe, the circomstances i've lived in? I don't know, i always ask myself so many questions, but i could not find any answer! I am really confused! I think i should shut it up know, i talk a lot, but, i am really confused and disappointed, and this is the only place i could express myself freely!