I Am Disappointed

I feel really disappointed! I thought after i'll come to adulthood, i'll become more satisfied with who i am! I thought i would accept my self the way i am! When i first discovered my sexuality, i was afrais, i don't wanted to be "different", i believed it is really evil to be a homosexual! I felt devastated, filthy, horrible, i desevre the wrath of the All Mighty! But than, i had sex for the first time, and it was, oh, wow! it felt so right! It felt tremendously agreable and amazing to be in the arms of another man! I felt love! So, i've told myself, how could it be wrong if it felt so Right! And i started to embrace my sexuality, i lived my homosexuality to the fullest, and i was, or i thought i was, satisfied about the way i am living my life! Until recently, i don't know why, i don't know how, or maybe i do know, maybe iwas just pushing these feelings down for a long time, maybe iwas just passing my time having fun and making sex just to forget, or to run from these damn feelings. I've begun to sense the same feelings i used to have many years ago, and it even getting worth, even after sex, i feel the regrets, i feel i've doing something low, i feel i am a dirty little ****. And the thing that make it feel even harder, is that i am not who i am, i have a dual personnality, my secret life as a gay, and my social life as a good "normal", even "pious" person! People thinks that i am a very good man, many female colleagues want to hook up with me, they think i am very intellectual, elegant, funny, kind, etc. But, they don't know me, they don't know the real me, they don't know what a dirty little **** i am! Oh, God! I am confused, i am scared, and above all i am disappointed, very disappointed! I wanted things to get better, i wanted to feel good about who i am! But i can't! I don't see how would i come out from this situation, i am trapped in a circle of sexual desire and guilt! I can talk to anyone about this, i could never even dream about telling to anyone what i write here! Here again, the dual personnality, here i am the real me, but i can be really me only in the Cyber world! I feel like a hypocrite! But there is no way out of this prison i'm living in! I hope there was a cure me from being gay-no offense, i don't mean that we, gay people, are sick, but i am trying to explain my feelings- being so "different"! Than i think, am i really this "different", i don't know, are we "diffeent"?! Is it really so "different" to fantasize, to love, people of the same sex! I don't know! Is it really abnormal, or our societies are not evolved enough to accept such concept! Or is it the religion? Or, is it God? I don't know, maybe it is me! Maybe i am a mentally ill person, maybe i lack self control! Maybe, it is my fault, maybe, the circomstances i've lived in? I don't know, i always ask myself so many questions, but i could not find any answer! I am really confused! I think i should shut it up know, i talk a lot, but, i am really confused and disappointed, and this is the only place i could express myself freely!
An Ep User An EP User
2 Responses Jan 24, 2013

Same as me +_+

Well, you are not mentally ill. anyone who comes out in their adulthood have split personalities for a while. But then they come out. Which is where you went wrong, what I mean is you haven't accepted yourself as gay fully. You know you're gay, you have gay sex, whatever, but you cannot accept yourself if you are disgusted by your desires. You need to work though how you see gay people and how you see yourself, then when you are comfortable, start telling new people you meet that you are gay, tell your family, tell those ladies that always ask for the D! :P I don't know how you thought you'd feel relief when you didn't really come out to anyone. So take some time to get comfortable in your own skin,accept that gay doesn't mean the stereotyped image the media always portrays. Think of Neil Patrick Harris, Matt Bomer, or the guy who plays magneto in the X-men movies. Successful, normal, respected, gay. We're all humans, we all want to be accepted. I really wish you luck with what you are going through, but to wrap up this whole tidbit, happiness and confidence need to start with you. Accept yourself and face the world with your head up and heart out and radiant confidence and few people will give you ****. Most will accept you and want to be around you.
good luck and have a good day.