The Boulder In My Life

When I think of my future, I'm not sure of what I see. I don't know how my life will turn out to be when I am 22 or I don't know. Right now I am on a very important stage of my life, and I know that for everybody my age it is almost unbearable (school, friends, relationships, sexuality, family, etc), reason of many teenagers in the news who appear to have ended their own life.
I'm totally sure, besides of even having thought of doing it, I will NEVER end my life because I love the people I love so much I just can't even think of making them suffer. I am attracted to men unfortunately, and I say that not because I am homophobic (which I am not, I would never be against homosexuality, we are all humans, we are the same), but because of one person who is a boulder blocking my life. My mother is the person who I love the most in this planet, she has been there for me since ever, she loves me so much I can't describe with words and I have an infinite love and appreciation for what she does for me and how strong she has been in her life and all the problems she has been through (divorce, my brother going to live outside the country, financial crisis). But this one problem I have is all because she doesn't and isn't planning to accept homosexuality as something "ok".
The biggest issue is that for the past 4-5 years she has been suspecting I was because of various things (which in my first story I described), and sometimes she would talk to me and tell me "do like girls?". This happens at least once or twice a month for all these years and I have always denied I was gay, no matter what she said I always answered what she wanted to hear, and it drives me insane, because she even thinks I need to go to a psychotherapist; she thinks that it is "curable" and it's wrong to keep like that.

You might wonder "But hey, why don't you try telling her you're gay? What else could happen? She loves you and would accept you."

I can't.

One day, I was at my room and she came in to "talk". I HATE this talks so much I've become an expert at acting to end the conversation quickly and pretend everything is ok when even I'm about to cry. But this time the talk was much more about homosexuality than me, which she compared to several things, saying it is a choice and that homosexuals are the result of the devil possessing them. If I started an argue then she would know I was. I went absolutely pale, like if I had seen death in front of me, and my heart stopped when she looked into my eye and said: "If you tell me you are one of those, I SWEAR TO GOD I will open a window and jump".
I was devastated in the inside, but I just answered, like always, No mom I'm not!
That's the reason I have never told her. I'm afraid of her reaction and I can't afford to lose her. I'm even scared of watching her cry, I just can't even imagine it.
I have even invented stories of how I've been with girls and stuff. I'm sick of lying all the time to her, and I'm sick of these "talks" that always put me in an awkward position and make me feel miserable.

If it wasn't for her I could be open, I could tell whoever I wanted, basically my family because some of my closest friends I have already told, but she could find out and I can't take the risk. I would like to tell my father, even though he would accept me, but I don't have that father-son connection, we're just like "friends".

So this is the reason I don't know if I will be able to be me, because I dont know if I'll have to live a lie for the rest of my life or if I'll be able to be happy. I feel so disappointed, but I pray to God to help me, to never forget me and to give me the tools to build my future to be truly happy, as he wants for all of us.

I still have hope that someday this problem will just be a faded old memory kept In the past.
arocerec arocerec
18-21, M
2 Responses Feb 8, 2013

I would hate to be in your predicament, Its not a choice to be homosexual, it is the environment and climate you were kept in as a foetus and embryo, maybe you should tell her you learned that at school.
PS: is there any reason behind your mothers homophobia?

Yes, be sure that God will never forget you, even when at times you forget him.
Your Mom has a real problem, and you are kind to respect it, but it is really hurting you. Lying to her may be a necessity, but you never know how she'd be in the long term if she found out. In any case, just a few more years and you won't be under her constant surveillance and questioning.
Talking with your Dad might help you, even symbolically. It always feels good to have a confidant.
Keep your chin up, and keep us posted.

Thank you, I will :)