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In the Closet

I am married but identify as gay.  I want to have a relationship with a man but am afraid.  Do others have this experience?

happybibottom happybibottom 36-40 16 Responses Jan 5, 2009

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I am gay, and through the years, half of my relationships with other men have been with men married to a woman. In fact, they have been the better relationships. They are more appreciative of the time you spend with them. They are better companions and lovers. Many are friends and associates today.

humm guess I wil just stay in the closet

I have recently just accepted that I am gay. I have been in a 6 year relationship with a wonderful woman who I thought I could love and support, and we got married... but I realize now that I will never be able to give her what she deserves. I have not come out to her yet, but She has left caused all we would do is fight about our future and about other unrelated things (plus, i think she met someone else, which is a huge relief), and we have recently separated and are going thru a divorce.<br />
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It sucks- she used to be my best friend, and we would do everything together. I believe she resents me because I couldn't give her the life she wanted and she had to find it with someone else. I tried so hard to be everything that she wanted, so much that i suppressed these urges for years. it got so tiring to be who she wanted that i frankly just gave up. <br />
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I feel terrible, we had a huge wedding, because that is what she wanted. All our friends and family were supportive, even though we were very young. I carry a lot of guilt right now, and hopefully that will disappear overtime. <br />
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I lost an uncle to AIDS when I was very young, and it caused a lot (that is an understatement) family turmoil- involving drugs, kidnapping to name a few of the events (I'm not kidding about that). It stuck with me, and I told my self I would never ever cause that to anyone i loved. As a 5 year old, I blamed my uncle's homosexuality and illness for all of the terrible events that almost destroyed my family. I know now that it was not my uncle's fault, since he dealt with the same issues that I am now. I just didn't want to be a source of pain and suffering for my family, and As these feelings and attractions toward men grew, I tried to repress them, and even got married to do so, just to make sure that I don't hurt them. <br />
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Now that She left, I still don't feel ready to come out. Certain family and friends would be ok w/ it, but most would not. It will eventually happen, but Im not ready yet. <br />
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But what I am doing now is perusing what I love- cooking. I am starting school, which will take me to nyc and Italy. Maybe after all that, I will. All I know is that once I have hit rock bottom, and finally accepting myself for who I am, and I am slowly learning to love myself and be happy again.

I can certainly relate. I was married for 13 years and then finally came out. I am happier now than ever and now my ex-wife has the chance to be loved by a man the way she deserves. What helped me the most was having someone I could trust (anonymously at first). I found a good place to start is at http://www.lgbtcoach.com. Great site, anonymous and free coaching via email. It has a lot of good information too. I don't think it's all done yet, tho. <br />
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Whatever you do, you will be ok. Life goes on and things work themselves out. Get yourself a few supporters though... it'll change your world.<br />
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Oh, and "itisinyourmouth"'s comments are right on.

I can certainly relate. I was married for 13 years and then finally came out. I am happier now than ever and now my ex-wife has the chance to be loved by a man the way she deserves. What helped me the most was having someone I could trust (anonymously at first). I found a good place to start is at http://www.lgbtcoach.com. Great site, anonymous and free coaching via email. It has a lot of good information too. I don't think it's all done yet, tho. <br />
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Whatever you do, you will be ok. Life goes on and things work themselves out. Get yourself a few supporters though... it'll change your world.<br />
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Oh, and "itisinyourmouth"'s comments are right on.

It's interesting that you say that, freya. My daughters are in their mid-twenties, now. I came out to them when they were just five and six years old. They knew my lover, Larry, who died of complications due to AIDS in 1992. They loved him and he loved them. Today, they are very busy women involved in their own lives. We have good relationships and I'm very proud of them. I don't think that they suffered because of my sexuality. There were a few uncomfortable moments when they were teenagers, but I believe that my love-life wasn't necessarily the cause. It is difficult to be a teenager in America. <br />
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Thanks for sharing your perspective. It is true that your father probably lived with his own demons. He must have done something right. You turned out all right, I hope.

Do you have any children? I'm wondering, because I'm the daughter of a gay man who was closeted for decades and married for 22 years to my (abusive and mentally ill) mother. He never dared to come out to me, even though he and I have always been best friends. I found out he was gay when one of his sex partners broke into my home late at night, drunk, and started shouting abuse about my Dad. After that it was wonderful to have this big secret gone from our relationship ... but I'm still so sad that Dad couldn't tell me himself. I love him more than anyone or anything. I can't *imagine* feeling negative in any way about his sexual orientation. It just breaks my heart that this glorious, brilliant, loving man felt pressured into living a life that was not what he truly wanted.<br />
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So -- if you have kids, I bet they will be much happier if you take care of the wonderful person that is you, and live the life YOU want to live.

In 1970, I came out of the closet. I told my Roman Catholic parents and was banished from the home. For ten years, I lived a fantastic gay life of dancing the weekends away at the many gay discos of Chicago and sitting through too many "drag" shows of that era. I worked and studied hard in school and built a decent life for myself in spite of the fact that I had no support from my family. My first lover died by suicide. My second lover was offered a terrific opportunity out of the country and I didn't want to follow him. I love America and really didn't want to leave. So, I was alone. I began volunteering at a Roman Catholic church in my neighborhood. I shared with a priest that I was lonely and unsure about what to do with my life. I let him convince me that my gay feelings would change. He urged me to marry my best friend (a woman). We married, had two wonderful daughters, and couldn't stand each other after five years. She was always suspicious of me. If I looked at a man, she argued with me about what I was looking at. She was always accusing me of being unfaithful. I never was. So, we divorced. It was hardest on the girls, because they grew up blaming their father for all of their troubles. No matter that 40% of my income went into child support and alimony. Twenty years later, my ex-wife and I are such good friends that we now live together as roommates. It is a win/win deal for us because she has serious health problems and needs assistance and I am able to live with very few monthly expenses. I now live an authentic life, have terrific friendships, and at 55 years old can still attract a man for sex. My lover died a few years ago from complications due to AIDS. He was such a great source of strength. There is nothing better than that person who you love and who understands what makes you tick. In retrospect, I wouldn't change a thing. But, I still believe that that priest was a very ignorant man. And, I left the Roman Catholic church for good in the mid-1980s. Any church that considers us "ob<x>jectively disordered" doesn't deserve our financial donations and participation, in my opinion. <br />
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There are many gay men married to women. I've known quite a few over the years. Unfortunately, we live in a homophobic and sexually ignorant society. People love to talk about "values" today, but the real problems stem from not understanding the sexual nature of our lives (gay or straight). Professionally, I've spent my life in education. I've seen so many troubles in the lives of teenagers and adults. So much of it is the product of the inability to understand that sexuality is an innate condition that cannot and will not change. Ask your heterosexual friends when they decided to become heterosexual. They will usually not be able to answer the question because just like homosexuality it just is. I'm sure that everyone reading this knows that sexuality is a constant throughout life. I knew when I was five years old that I didn't quite perceive things like the other boys. By the time I was ten, I knew that I could care less about the mini-skirts on girls. The other boys got excited during that era, but I just couldn't seem to get it. By the time I was sixteen and had sex with a man down the street, I totally understood that I was homosexual. It took a few years for me to discover the gay life. <br />
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I think that you have to be authentic whether you stay in your marriage or not. You should definitely find other gay men to socialize with at least. And, a frank discussion with your wife will probably make things easier for her, too. She should also be free from the angst that comes from living with someone who has difficulty finding happiness within your marriage.

I am a gay man who was married but who was really gay. I have children and grandchildren and it has not been easy. I am not your "typical gay man" I am a man who has had totally different experiences than other gay men. Even after coming out and dealing with tons of stuff I am way different than most gay men. I am happy and that is what matters for me.<br />
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May you find happiness.<br />
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Harry

I was married at 24. Had two children. Came out at 37 to my wife and family. I understand what you are going through. It was not at easy thing to do but something that had to be done. I don't regret coming out for a second. I have a good relationship with both my children and am very happy. Good luck.

When I was 16 years old I had a quick affair with my boyfriend.<br />
I tried to suppress my homosexual feelings and got married (BIG MISTAKE) I have 3 daughters. We got a divorce after 12 years of marriage.<br />
I finally excepted my homosexuality and life got better but it took many years.<br />
No I am retired and live with my partner of 21 years in FL.<br />
Good Luck Happy BIBottom

i am like you - i have little doubt that I am gay, but I am married to a woman - she knows all about me, so no secrets. I do call myself 'bi" as i have had sex with women ... I love sex with other guys - not so much with women, and I have strong feelings of affection for my wife ... so am I gay or bi or ... is it really important? Do as you desire, especially if it doesnt hurt someone else - life's too short not to enjoy it as much as you can. my thoughts

you are facing it but, have not come to a decision on what to do yet!

I think you're not hiding from yourself anymore since you're facing it and looking for support in this page. Congratulations :D<br />
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I don't know what to do in your place though... I won't ask you why did you get married because its pointless now. Just undertake whatever path that seems the correct and never feel discouraged.

thanks for your comment

Not me. If you are gay, be gay. If you are bisexual, be bisexual. The worst thing you can be is a hypocrite or someone who hides from himself.