Where to Start

 

   M  E

 

 

I hate starting things like this, but it seems appropriate. My name is George, 18 years old: I am gay.

 I was born into a family of high standards, influenced by Catholicism quite extremely, and takes traditional values from day to day life.

 Before I came out, I was the epitome of the 'rebellious without a cause' type at school. Completely paranoid of what people would think of me, never wanting people to know what my life was truly like. So in any case, i never spoke to anymore, avoided bright colored clothing and stayed as far away from boys. It all changed in seventh grade when i met him; Chris Checka.

 I met him when i moved to Dallas Texas, in the band hall of Lamar High School. From that day on we became close as ever; he was my first and only love. Though we've moved on and never really went any further than holding hands and spilling out our emotions, he is the reason why i came out at such a young age.

 Rather than living a lie, i decided to express myself to my full potential in the eighth grade. My full potential however isn't what many would think. I cant say I'm at all flamboyant, by any means, though I'm not stereotypically straight acting either. I guess the closest to "gay" as i get is wearing a pink polo shirt or a bracelet for that matter.

 Coming out was nice and all; to have that burden off my shoulders was quite relieving. However, that day on and to the present is like a living hell; which is where i am now. I hate being gay. 

 I'm constantly harassed and must defend for myself in such a society where they promote hope and change, yet I'm the one called ****** and treated like an animal in the locker room at school, when all i want to do it play football with some actual competition.  I'm also not accepted by my family; not at all.

 As stated above, their completely religious and I'm officially the outcast of the family. Even though i try so hard to make them proud, they still see me as a stranger. Ill be the only one of my siblings to attend full time at a university. I'm a great student at my school, in the top 15% of my senior class; yet I'm still unnoticed by my parents. I do all this work to not only better my future, but to have the satisfaction for one second; that second being that they may be proud of me someday.

 At this very moment, i feel very alone. All my friends are straight (so they say), and that's a problem for me. I wish i could have a relationship with a man i see as an equal to me. Someone that wants more than sex; someone that is quite intelligent and has aspirations for his life. I want to meet that perfect man in my eyes that can satisfy me emotionally as well as physically. I want someone that can understand me on the same level as this homosexuality has brought me. None of which any of my friends can fulfill.

georgelo georgelo
18-21, M
7 Responses Feb 25, 2009

Wow, So sad. Being gay is the best thing I could imagine and I have been so happy for so many years and enjoyed so very many people intimately after freeing myself from all the hetero hate and all the hetero mythology of only one person to love and horrendous hetero god stories and all their formulaic hetero romantic **** --which is really based on and totally to sugarcoat and to support two economic social concerns: paternity and property rights. Those are actually the basis for all of marriage and for most of the religious strictures and taboos that have been developed over thousands of years to support them. The male human wants to have lots of and naturally enjoys sex, lots of sex with lots of partners and really doesn't need too much of all the other garbage unless he's been brainwashed and made to feel inferior or bad or criminal or dirty or evil or whatever the haters and ignorant try to call us. All BS! Sex is great, ***** are fantastic and delicious and the more you do it without strings attached and the more guys you enjoy the greater life is! Don't use sex to try to control others or to "marry" them or to make them do what you want --No guilt trips or power plays!! Just enjoy sex for the hot, sensuous and great release and experience it is --especially with other men and their incredible *****! I have so many great and special friends and we are so sexy and intimate, sometimes several times in a single day and sometimes in groups of us all naked and sexing with each other, everybody trying to achieve ******* and give ******* to others. I love to enjoy several ***** all at once like bukkake (google it!) Wow, being in close, physical contact with men's bodies, serving and servicing each other, and being inside their bodies and having them inside me and sharing our really magical essence and juice is the most thrilling and hot and exciting and pleasurable times I have ever had, ever experienced and ever imagined. It is actually so fantastic that society, the church, women, all the "ruling" forces are afraid of just how consuming and thrilling it is! Way beyond anything they can offer to make you do what they want and better than any food, money, entertainment, anything! Give me a man and his **** and his juice or several and I am totally fulfilled (in the real way) and totally happy! And once you've been so intimate and had so much sex with guys you have a real special, incredible bond and can do all kinds of things together in the times between having sex if there is any! LOL

I was called ****** and things like that BEFORE I came out, so I can only imagine what you went through. I admire your bravery. I also admire the fact that at a young age you are obviously a very bright and beautiful person. Your family is looking at things through the eyes of their beliefs, rather than through the eyes of family. It's unfortunately common since many faiths teach that it is wrong to lie with another man as you would a woman... Keep your head high and stay who you are. They will see the boy you were turn into the wonderful man I have no doubt you will become. If they still do not accept you, then they are missing out.

lonesomecrowdedwest and LeftHook, all excellent comments, and I can only echo the sentiments of both of them. As for religion, my experience is that religion and spirituality are very personal things. My own journey started in the Church of England, which is the religion I was raised with for the first 10 years of my life. After abandoning religion during my teen years, I joined a Christian youth group when I was 20, and reaffirmed my Christianity. <br />
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I came out at 22, and that had a dramatic effect on my belief system. I'm the questioning type, the enquiring mind, while I quickly discovered evidence that Christianity and my sexuality were not at odds, I still looked beyond traditional teachings and went on my own spiritual quest to find higher meaning, moving away from the traditional Church teachings.<br />
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In short, I travelled down a different road, towards my own Universal meaning. Of course, I'm not there, the journey and what I learn along the way is what it's all about for me, not the destination.<br />
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As for my rights, I fight the quiet fight. I just be myself, and so many times, people who have come to know me have been initially surprised on discovering my sexuality, then come to realise that I'm actually not that unlike them, except for a minor difference or two. For people touched by that sort of experience, the issue of gay rights and gay acceptance suddenly becomes a no brainer ("Hey, it could be my son or daughter that might benefit!"). I myself was the beneficiary of my older sisters' association with gay men and their insistence on accepting others who are different. Little did they know at the time how much the social circles they mixed in would help me. :)

georgelo, ur welcome!<br />
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lonesomecrowdedwest, well spoken!

thank you both for your support :)

As LeftHook said your family will come around in time, I'd have to agree completely. Despite anything that happens in your life you all still remain the same blood. Whether or not they realize it now, they will eventually. I know words can be harder then steel from experience, but you come to realize that you are yourself. No matter what anyones opinion is, NEVER let it overcome your own. You live this life for yourself, your decisions are your own. Deep down you know that you came out for yourself, so despite it all, live for yourself. I know it's even hard for me to abide by those rules in my own life, but just always think about it. You are a strong person if you are able to be open. Being younger than you I haven't been as far into this as you, but I want you to know that we're more alike then different. Most people don't realize that we ALL have feelings (gay or straight) and we all bleed red. We are all human and honestly, religion, I know, can have an impact on personal beliefs. But regardless religion is about personal beliefs. Clearly, your beliefs are different then what you are being surrounded by then power to you. You don't need to listen to any of it as hard as it is. Above all believe in yourself and your values. Finding the balance in everything is the key to life, once you achieve that level, you will be happy, but until then, keep fighting! You are an equal person and you have a right to express yourself in every way. Think, just by you fighting for your rights only makes it easier for generations to come! Think of how far gay rights has come, and how much farther we can come to be. I hope the best for you in the future and just be yourself, whoever loves you for yourself is who you should surround yourself with, anyone else, they're not important. I'm proud people like us can be honest and open, and always fight for your rights no matter how dark times may be!

the only thing u can do is 2 b urself. as 4 those idiots taunting and teasing u, they will do that 2 any1 who has some kind of difference than them. just rise above it, ur bigger than that. ur family will come around in time.<br />
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best wishes 2 u