What the Hell...

So first I want to say that I have the tendancies to be both blunt and verbose...turn back now if you're bored or offended easily.

I knew I was gay when I was 6 years old.  I have always been way ahead of the bell-curve emotionally and intellectually.  I remember my first crush, my best-friend's older brother.  I was in second grade.  I remember during a slumber party at my friend's house everyone had pretty much fallen asleep except for myself and another guy (Chase).  We'd realized that the older brother was still awake and watching TV in his room, so we made our way in there.  I remember the older brother (who was only 6 or so years older, still a minor) was watching Mystery Science Theater 3000 and invited us to join.  He motioned Chase to the floor, but motioned me onto his bed.  We cuddled there and I felt so safe and secure for what felt was the first time ever.  I've loved MST3K since.  After a couple of episodes I made my way back to the other guys my age and fell asleep.

It was shortly after that that I heard my step-dad make a gay joke (the first I had heard) and I had decided, based on that, that if I wanted to be loved I couldn't be gay since it was obviously frowned upon.  At six the decision to closet myself didn't affect me, hell, I wouldn't have been able to coherently express the idea of homosexuality if I tried.  I just knew I was more comfortable with boys, and I knew that when older boys threw rocks at the girls on the playground they were probably attracted to them...I wanted to throw rocks at the other boys.  

Anywho, at six it didn't affect me, at eleven it started to.  My parents were divorced for many years and my Dad picked me up every other weekend, but he always worked through the days and we'd try and spend time together in the evenings (he had three kids on child support at the time).  One weekend I brought a kid from school over, we smoked pot, found my Dad's **** stash, and *********** in the same room but without being able to see each other.  That's when being closeted started tormenting me. 

By that time I was old enough to assume my parents would disown me, and in the small town I grew up in things wouldn't be pretty for me out of the house either, so I did more and more to hide.  By the time I was 16 I was shooting heroin.  I'd drop enough LSD to hallucinate for three days at a time.  Gained a bunch of weight, moved out into my own apartment by the time I was 17.  I really did anything I could to push people away...except for those that I knew were safe, the ones that weren't smart enough to put it together, nor cared enough about anything besides themselves or their next fix to see how much emotional pain I was in.

I worked full time and went to a charter school at night that was "work at your own pace".  I dropped out twice, and was kicked out once.  At one point I got an 11 average, for the year, in English.  I finally went back and graduated, three months early.  Within in two months of graduation I had kicked every habit I had except smoking cigarettes and weed...and I finally came out.  I started with one of my sisters.  It was poignant at the time...she called me up and told me she was a lesbian.  I came out to her at the same time.  And then I ended up out to everyone, extended relatives, friends, whomever.  Each time I said "I'm gay" I felt better and better about who I was.  I lost 60 pounds that year, as well as a bad attitude, a bucketload of self-loathing, and an anxiety disorder.  I never really had a bad coming out story.  It took some longer to get adjusted to it than others.  There were people I pushed out of my life completely after I came out because I realized their position as "lackey" was no longer needed.  By the end of the year I had given up weed.

That year I met my first boyfriend, who was a complete mistake, but also the first attractive openly gay man that gave me attention.  He introduced me to the real art in sex, and in his argumentativeness allowed me to start developing my own perception on my life and the world, and to find the things that were deal breakers for me.  The fact that he was a loser, who taught me some great lessons, turned out to be a deal breaker almost a year to the day later.

There was a second serious relationship shortly thereafter with a man I still cherish to this day, but differently than I did at the time.  We're probably closer now, a year and a half after we broke up, than we were in the two years we were together.  He's always been my rock from the day I met him, he's just not meant to be my lover.

So perhaps I should wind this down by summarizing where I am now.  I moved from my small town to Dallas to San Antonio and now I'm in Austin.  I've been here for almost a year and a half, and I am in love with this city.  I wouldn't say that its "gay friendly" any more than I would say its "Black friendly" because the lines aren't drawn between gay and straight, black and white very often.  It's "dog friendly", since there are very noticeable distinctions between dogs and people...it's a super progressive, active, beautiful, well planned, easy city to live in.  I've found myself accomplishing more self-discovery and personal growth in this city than I have anywhere else that I've lived. 

I'm gay, I am not close with my family (except for my (lesbian) sister and for my Dad who died unexpectedly 16 months ago...he was 52) for many reasons (don't get me started, seriously), I don't have a degree, I was laid off when my company closed its doors two weeks ago today, and I quit smoking last Friday.  I've also determined what it is I want to do with my life, made the most amazing friends here, lost another forty pounds, and I love my life. 

I am not a "normal" person, nor will I ever be, and thank Google for that!

meandmyskate meandmyskate
4 Responses Feb 27, 2009

Wow, So sad. Being gay is the best thing I could imagine and I have been so happy for so many years and enjoyed so very many people intimately after freeing myself from all the hetero hate and all the hetero mythology of only one person to love and horrendous hetero god stories and all their formulaic hetero romantic **** --which is really based on and totally to sugarcoat and to support two economic social concerns: paternity and property rights. Those are actually the basis for all of marriage and for most of the religious strictures and taboos that have been developed over thousands of years to support them. The male human wants to have lots of and naturally enjoys sex, lots of sex with lots of partners and really doesn't need too much of all the other garbage unless he's been brainwashed and made to feel inferior or bad or criminal or dirty or evil or whatever the haters and ignorant try to call us. All BS! Sex is great, ***** are fantastic and delicious and the more you do it without strings attached and the more guys you enjoy the greater life is! Don't use sex to try to control others or to "marry" them or to make them do what you want --No guilt trips or power plays!! Just enjoy sex for the hot, sensuous and great release and experience it is --especially with other men and their incredible *****! I have so many great and special friends and we are so sexy and intimate, sometimes several times in a single day and sometimes in groups of us all naked and sexing with each other, everybody trying to achieve ******* and give ******* to others. I love to enjoy several ***** all at once like bukkake (google it!) Wow, being in close, physical contact with men's bodies, serving and servicing each other, and being inside their bodies and having them inside me and sharing our really magical essence and juice is the most thrilling and hot and exciting and pleasurable times I have ever had, ever experienced and ever imagined. It is actually so fantastic that society, the church, women, all the "ruling" forces are afraid of just how consuming and thrilling it is! Way beyond anything they can offer to make you do what they want and better than any food, money, entertainment, anything! Give me a man and his **** and his juice or several and I am totally fulfilled (in the real way) and totally happy! And once you've been so intimate and had so much sex with guys you have a real special, incredible bond and can do all kinds of things together in the times between having sex if there is any! LOL

You've come a long way! More power to you! I don't think you're blunt , just very honest. things need to be called by their name every now and then... I'm pretty sure you will have a great life, if you can apply the same determination you have so far- trust me there is a whole lot of world to see out there and it is waaay more fun if you're gay (and prettier, and sexier, and it smells better etc. etc. ) LOL!

Honestly I read your post and I can't say i know exactly where you're coming from because I am also in a situation like this but I feel like I have come out soon enough so that I won't get this far into drugs, but i'm glad you posted this because a lot of things i've read from this are very relatable, In a sense of knowing that you are gay when you're young and that you can't exactly escape it. It's a life that you come to terms with and learn to love yourself for who you are. A majority of straight people I find (so far in my age range group) don't fully understand our ways of life and that love is undetermined. Love is much like vinegar and baking soda, it's a chemical reaction. You cannot control who you have feelings for, that is one of the great mysteries involved in homosexuality. I completely understand your past feelings about not accepting yourself, and wanting to escape reality as much as possible. This website is a great creating because you get to understand that you're not the only one out there who feels/felt like that before. I am very happy for your success and I feel as though you're very proud for how far you've come! I wish the best of happiness for you in the future and to know that there are many others out there much like yourself. Congradulations, you deserve it.

yea u r very blunt and verbose lol, but sometimes thats a good thing. thats quite a story u shared, im glad things r now working out 4 u. hope u have a great weekend.