I Am Gay And Completely Alone

I'm writing this with tears in my eyes.

I have been alone forever. I do have friends but not one of them know who I really am...I'm gay, 25 years old and live in a country where homosexuality is still very much a taboo. I cannot tell anyone about this because I fear rejection. I know for a fact that many of my friends would stop talking to me if they found out and my parents might kick me out of the house and then I'll be lonelier than ever. I've never attempted to hook up with another guy...I'm too afraid to let anyone know even if he's a complete stranger. Maybe I deserve to be alone because I'm such a big coward, I've never taken risks. In the meantime I keep getting older and things are exactly the same as they were 5 years ago. I am alone...many of my friends have started to get married; they're moving on, having their own families. My situation is so bleak. I wish with all my heart that I will some day have my own family, but I don't see how that's ever going to happen! I don't know of any gay people in my country, sometimes I wonder if I'm the only gay person in the entire world; or if I'm the only person who has been so unfortunate in life. Once I signed up on a dating site but I did not find a single gay person from my country. I know that the only way for me to find an opportunity at happiness is to get out of my country, but I know that I can't leave by myself....there's absolutley no way out for me. I don't know what's still keeping me going but whatever it is it won't last for much longer.

Sorry for writing such a bleak story, but this is what I have to live with every day. The future scares me, I don't want to be alone.

adrianm adrianm
22-25, M
29 Responses Oct 11, 2009

Wow, So sad. Being gay is the best thing I could imagine and I have been so happy for so many years and enjoyed so very many people intimately after freeing myself from all the hetero hate and all the hetero mythology of only one person to love and horrendous hetero god stories and all their formulaic hetero romantic **** --which is really based on and totally to sugarcoat and to support two economic social concerns: paternity and property rights. Those are actually the basis for all of marriage and for most of the religious strictures and taboos that have been developed over thousands of years to support them. The male human wants to have lots of and naturally enjoys sex, lots of sex with lots of partners and really doesn't need too much of all the other garbage unless he's been brainwashed and made to feel inferior or bad or criminal or dirty or evil or whatever the haters and ignorant try to call us. All BS! Sex is great, ***** are fantastic and delicious and the more you do it without strings attached and the more guys you enjoy the greater life is! Don't use sex to try to control others or to "marry" them or to make them do what you want --No guilt trips or power plays!! Just enjoy sex for the hot, sensuous and great release and experience it is --especially with other men and their incredible *****! I have so many great and special friends and we are so sexy and intimate, sometimes several times in a single day and sometimes in groups of us all naked and sexing with each other, everybody trying to achieve ******* and give ******* to others. I love to enjoy several ***** all at once like bukkake (google it!) Wow, being in close, physical contact with men's bodies, serving and servicing each other, and being inside their bodies and having them inside me and sharing our really magical essence and juice is the most thrilling and hot and exciting and pleasurable times I have ever had, ever experienced and ever imagined. It is actually so fantastic that society, the church, women, all the "ruling" forces are afraid of just how consuming and thrilling it is! Way beyond anything they can offer to make you do what they want and better than any food, money, entertainment, anything! Give me a man and his **** and his juice or several and I am totally fulfilled (in the real way) and totally happy! And once you've been so intimate and had so much sex with guys you have a real special, incredible bond and can do all kinds of things together in the times between having sex if there is any! LOL

Hew I'm 15 idk what my sexuality is everyone bulleys me they say I'm gay ,queer all that it makes me so upset I also fell so alone I only have 1 friend but he says he don't like gays I fell so different too I try to fit in with everyone else but it don't work it just back fires im soo sad 😢 I fell like ending it and killing myself idk what stops me if this keeps up I really can't go on in life I have no hope no one cares about me 😢😢😢

Hope you are feeling better.

Set your mid on getting education or talent that will get you out of there or at least allow you to travel so you can make real contact with other guys.

ahhh! i have same story and i am alone, have no friends :(

I am so sorry

Note to the readers: I know it's been about 6 years since this post was published, but I decided to answer it for the sake of other young, gay and struggling people who land up here in search of a better life and mindset. Please read along.

I was in a similar situation couple of years back - suffocated fearing rejection and solitude. What I did was made the choice to make my life a better place. I decided to take the risk because I knew that my life couldn't get any worse than it actually was. I called up my sister at midnight and told her about my orientation and about how difficult it had been for me. Luckily, she was understanding and that made me believe that others can understand and more importantly 'accept' me.

Fast forward it to 48 hours and I was still feeling sad. I have always had this very close bond with my mother and it felt like I was cheating her by keeping this side of me hidden from her. I called her up and blabbered everything. Being from a very simple family and a homophobic nation, I had to explain to her what being gay meant. She tried her best to understand. She told my dad and it was a dramatic night. I guess it has to be, right?

You need to understand that parents will feel sad about this. You need to give them their time and space. Not every parent will be immediately understanding. They can be harsh (my father was very much with his choice of words) but we must be forgiving when we are trying to make our lives better.

The good thing is that both of them understood. My mom didn't dislike me for a second; she was all normal or at least tried to when we spoke the next morning. She tried to understand my struggles and we discussed about how I plan to spend my life. That day made me realize how lucky I am to have her and how great she is. She still annoys me with all the public showering of love but I secretly like it.

Things with dad were different. He took about a week to accept. My mom and my sister had a great role in that. He never disowned me but he was struggling to accept that something he only read in the newspapers can happen in his own family. He was questioning his parenting and all of it is very natural. I didn't understand then but I do now. One day, a week later, he called me up all teary-eyed and we patched up. Our dad-son relationship is far from perfect but the good thing is that it's evolving.

After that, I gained the confidence to gradually come out to my best friends and now I feel much happier. It's a liberating feeling that every person must experience but you've to work for it.

I'm 25 now. Things are good but not exactly great. Are they ever? I'm struggling in my career despite being from my country's top engineering college, I'm yet to progress on the dating front and despite possessing all the 'looks', and I'm possibly suffering from OCPD and am trying to battle it.
My point is that things will never be perfect; they aren't for anyone - gay or straight. But they do get better. Try taking a chance. Try wanting to make things better.
Your parents and your loved ones can surprise you. Give them that opportunity at least.


I identify with you, gay feelings and solitude are part of my life.

my story plus I'm muslim and in islam gays burn in hell if they do gay sez

I have the same story im younger (17 years old) but I'm afraid that no on ever will care about me. 0 friends no gay people around...

Follow your dreams and be who you really are. You only live once xx

Same story as you, except I'm 30 and in debt due to dropping out of med school (largely due to my depressive state and avoidant personality disorder resulting from being in the closet for the last ~20 years). When you stay in the closet for that long you don't learn to be anything. You don't learn any skills at all but how to hide. I'm still a virgin. Everyone thinks I'm weird. I used to be popular and did sports, that was before Time tore my mind, soul, heart, dreams, vision, conviction, belief into pieces.

My story. =/

It looks like you are describing my life, except I'm 20.

Hi, I am 30 living in New Delhi; with all the same symptoms. I just have a father (not well). I am asexual (not intrested in sex) not a gay, I don't know whether any gal would like to be my better half or not. I also want a support & a family. Even my dad has some dreams for me which I can't fulfill. Slowly, I am cutting myself from society. I don know what will happen to me after my Dad...Highly Upset..Hope some one will read this, understand my situation & contact me. GOD bless everyone

Honey!!!! Take a leap of faith!!!! Get up get out and get on with your life . What is holding you back?? Really email me back i want to know . .... Life is beyond too short I feel the same way... with wanting a family but being in relationships with other women I wonder if ill ever have family... but any how Im here if you need a friend.

I haven't read the comments yet, but this is my exact situation...i have no one to talk to, and my keyboard is so wet that i may damage my CPU...old thread, but if anyone has advice...im 23 and " quote"!

I am a 24 year old gay female also in the same situation and have no one to talk to, so if you ever want to talk let me know :)

I am sorry you feel so alone, I often feel the same way too. I have not told any of my friends that I am gay cause I fear they will reject me. Some nights I feel so alone I cry myself to sleep, I have even contemplated suicide. I know that will not make anything better so I have not tried going thru with it. I just pray that one day I find someone to love & have love me back. If you would like someone to chat with I am always here.

I wish I could tell you it gets easier, in some ways it does, I live in Australia and I was raised in a very "Straight" family where the men are men and the women are all tom boys, so it was not easy being the softest and most fragile of the bunch, off course many years have past and now that I am in my early 40s, I am now the stronger of the bunch, strange how it all turned around, however that has not altered the fact I still feel like an outcast in my own world, I hate it, so I understand what you are going through, I have lived in some countries that do not value homosexuality and I my heart goes out to you, all I can say is that you must fight, because if you don't then you have no chance at all at a life that could be very happy and full of moments that you cherish and value. To give up before you have even fought back it not an option, I made the decision to give up once, a long time ago, and I realised that I could not give up because I had not even fought back, I had nothing to lose so I just decided to develop a voice, so now I am very head strong and rather annoying, however I stand my ground and no one gets away with anything with me, so my point it, never give up, we are gay, we are strong, and we are more than capable of dealing with straight people and their pre-historic ways of thinking. You sound like a lovely person, you obviously need to leave the situation your in, and once you have you will find a world out there full of people just like you and you will more than likely find a life well worth the effort. You will not know till you try and change your life just how wonderful it can be. I am still alone, I don't deny it, however I know who I am and I am proud of the fact I am a survivor and I will never give up on the idea of love, so one day, if I am lucky? I will find someone who loves me as much as I love them. We live in hope, it is all we have to hold onto, so plan your escape and be all you can be.<br />
<br />
Regards Alex

im single to i feel the same way that it really hard to meet gay men but i ve met gay men from other country on face book tagged but no one from where im from so your not alone

im single to i feel the same way that it really hard to meet gay men but i ve met gay men from other country on face book tagged but no one from where im from so your not alone

I can understand you. i'm in the same situation i feel lonely and desperate.I have friends who know who i am but we can't just talk about it because it feels akward. i tried dating sites too it worked for a while but guys that i've met are just looking for one night stands because gays are not meant to be in couples in our society according to them so I'm thinking to leave my country too but i don't know how. <br />
I'm scared to live and die alone.

HI 12 % of guys are bi/gay so your not alone out there just keep looking try gay.com its a great place to meet some nice guys that where i meet my boy freind my email is just_eric@live.com

Well I tried Plenty Of Fish. Any other good dating sites?

I can understand that you're afraid of leaving your country by yourself. You've said that dating sites having worked out for you, how many have you tried? Also, chances are there are gay people in your country but they just aren't open about it.<br />
<br />
My advice is to start looking to meet gay people you can talk to online (not necessarily internet relationships) as friends just to get more comfortable with the idea that you are gay and that gay is an okay thing to be before you consider taking this big of a stand for yourself. That way it can happen in small steps vs. all at once. Good luck.

Thanks so much for your messages. It really helps to know that there are people out there who wouldn't hate me for being slightly different. That's how I feel in my country, there's hate directed at me from everyone I've ever met. They don't know that what they say is hurting me, but it does hurt and it scares me when I think that I spending time with people who would turn there back on me if they knew I was gay. Reading your messages makes me realise that there are people in the world who wouldn't hate me for something so petty such as sexuality. <br />
I just know that things would be so much better if I find my significant other. what people think about me after that won't matter so much I'm sure. But until then i can't come out, I don't know how people will react, it's just too scary.

I agree with everything the other people have said. I think the only way you are going to find true happiness now is by overcoming your fear of the new in your life and leaving your homeland. Go for it, you'll be fine! xxxx

Sorry to hear your saddness I am a gay man and in a relationship we can find it hard too, there is still lots of work to do for gay people but we are getting there. hope you find happiness soon xx

Yes, like I said, I understand that the only way for me to be happy is to leave the country and find somewhere more accepting. But I've only left my country once and the thought of going somewhere new alone to start a new life scares me to death.

Oh wow, how awful for you. Have you ever considered leaving your country? xxx