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Can't Come Out

But not for the typical reasons, not because I am afraid, or because I am in denial. I can't come out because I hate the stereotype that comes with being gay and I hate that a large number of us fit it. When I see an overly feminine gay man I cringe. I guess I don't want to  lose my masculinity in the eyes of my family and friends.

I also come across this issue: Almost every time I tell a straight male friend I am gay they almost always assume I have a thing for them. Its frustrating and it ruins the friendship.

I blame others but maybe its me? Maybe I just have to accept this? Until then I'll just keep this to myself and those closest to me.

sensesfail sensesfail 22-25, M 53 Responses Jan 25, 2010

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Makes me cringe as well...but...sigh gotta tell someone...after I move out and get hot that is. then...maybe then

I know this post is quite old but I can relate to how you feel. I've come out to my parents/brothers & sisters... few close friends. The odd thing is that no one believed me... I am "way too masculine" and "don't fit the stereotype" of a gay man. Sure, we see a lot of fem guys that are way out there... and I cringe as well. But, that is how they are. It is not how I am, nor I think the vast majority of gay men. I've also lost a few friendships over telling people that I am gay... strange enough, most of my male - very straight friends, have been very accepting. I think it depends upon how comfortable someone is with their own sexuality. At any rate, hang in there. Be true to yourself.

i have never seen a need to come out. i believe that living with integrity is all that matters. besides, coming out does not increse the odds of meeting a meaningful partner, it only lets the homosexuals who are part of the "soddom and gomorrah" lifestyle perk up their radars so they can use you for their own sexual gratifaction and then leave you.

the way i see it if i meet a partner my family will like him because he has real values that will make it so they don't care what gender he is. the only way they could be disappointed and have been was when i went out with clearly degenerate people who are part of the "alternative lifestyle" - and frankly i see every reason to be disappointed, because many of those people live with no morals or values. it's not because they are gay, though, but i believe it is because they associated with the wrong crowd at some point, which just happens to be full of homosexual people.

who knows though, maybe i am too hurt but i don't acknowledge it. my family did not change their attitudes to me when i did come out, but in our family we have a history of not caring about each other anyway, so maybe i am giving very bad advice but don't know it.

Im a gay and from an indian family. I am currently 16 years old and I live in a family where we constantly socialise with everyone and I like it. However I'm not happy as I feel like I will never find happiness. I cannot come out as my family will leave me and I would never put them through that as it is something no one deserves. I hate being gay I wish there was a medicine that would take it all away. I see people who are unhappy a little things that are silly. I am a faliure already as a child to my parents. I ***** online on cam, I nearly had sex at the age of 14. However I keep thinking about it on my mind and I don want to live this life anymore. I want to look back at my childhood and think it's the best days. But how can I when I deal with being gay. I just wish I never was because at the end of the day I will never be able to as I have too much to loose. And to be honest I just wish no one else has to go through this because it's mentally and emotionally the hardest thing to go through. I see stories about young gay people who would never be able to come commit sucide and I think is that going to be me. I can't express how hard to is to go through at such a young age and as it's always my mind it's like people say I'm so negative but I can't say why. To anyone is reading this and anyone who is in a simular position all I can say is just hope one day it will all get better.

I know how you feel but stay strongh.

I sort of understand being gay. When I came out i remember people waited for me to start jumping round all feminine and to wear bright pink 24/7. In the end half of them got bored and left me alone. I also know i kind of fit the stereotype but just not perfect like on TV. I find it a bit . . Idk.

in response to holyghostgurl: if you google 'gay Bible' you will discover that king david (the one that slew goliath) was in a loving relationships with prince solomon. if you google 'the greatest love story in the Bible' david an solomon will pop up. in the story of the eunich Jesus tells the man to go in peace. w/o criticizing him. it's only an abomination for priest to be gay. remember they can't have wives either. gay is only written nd Bible 4x. out of hundreds of thousands of words. hmm, apparently not a top priority. and the Ten Commandments speak more about str8 sins, no mention of gays. To my gay/bi peers please realize there's a difference between Jesus and religion. What is that... oh yes: LET HE WHO IS WITHOUT SIN CAST THE FIRST STONE! gay/bi peeps research the Bible and don't believe the hype from bigoted clergy and thier brainwashed Church members.

I feel very much the same. Read my profile! Sure, I came out, as a younger man... but now I doubt the logic that requires we define ourselves by a consensus ASSUMPTION of what a gay man should be and do. My coming out was confusing, because so many people tried to convince me that I wasn't gay! It's important to have a solid self image and self respect, so gay people will always face the trial of coming out. A price we pay for the honesty and dignity that earn us our place in the lives of those we love. BUT... as an older man, I realize that my sexuality doesn't define me as much as others think it may, and that my coming out was in some ways very hard on those who loved me. They adapted, as have I, and the memory seems foolish. My sex life is private, and my personality is public... once upon a time they seemed interchangeable. Now I realize that my individuality is a product of both, and the assumptions of others add nothing to the richness and splendor of a life well and truly LIVED. Assumptions have no value.They are to be dismissed. I see no need to wave flags under peoples noses, and I choose to live in a way that just feels right to me. If the world would defend an assumption, it would fail. Gay people are just like every other kind of person: each is an individual, with a unique moment of the universe to experience and grow from. Sure, some are lisping fems, but if you look at humanity as a whole, far worse qualities are overlooked in every cultural group. Why should anyone assume a gay man to be a lisping fem? What strange power this assumption holds on opinion! A label is no substitute for an identity. It is up to each of us to be the person we are. Why should consensus assumptions be held more dearly than this simple truth of life?

I definitely agree with the thoughts on being thrown into one stereotype. But it had the shunning affect on the gay person when I mentioned this.

The region you live in and the majority people's viewpoints override anything that can be said to change them.

It's not just you, and don't accept it if you don't like it. Change that stereotype yourself.

I live in Palm Springs and there are so many gays around here is like a microcosm of life. In live there are a lot of people of different color and all types of mannerisms. The differences are no big deal. If you live in a smaller world these differences seem to stand out more. But it does seem like you are afraid to come out, as with many, because you fear being labeled about something which you are not. That's kind of the same thing is it not.

Ok, I had this problem for awhile. Then I realized something..It's no one's ******* business. The only person whose opinion matters, is yours. I can go out in my street right now and scream to the world that I'm gay and proud, and I wouldn't care less. Because I'm fine with me, I can give two ***** about their opinion. That being said, I can tell you that I understand about the way we are seen and treated, but that's society as a whole. There are decent people out there, people who don't judge and those who will support us. The stereotype doesn't have to fit you, it sure as hell doesn't fit me. I'm ex-Army, a weapons specialist, and the proud owner of more firearms than people on my block. But I'm gayer than a pink unicorn with a rainbow tattooed on it's ***. Do I wear womens' clothes? No. Am I feminine? Not in the slightest. People are who they are, you shouldn't have to hide or change for anyone.

I know im not a guy so its different but im bisexual. I cant comeout much but not cuz im afraid. ok maybe it is alittle bit because im afraid. I cant come out because i am raised in a christtian home. I am a preachers kid and my mom always says how much she hates gays and how much they disgust her and that hurts me because im gay. How can i come out to her when she told me this comment "i took the human sexuality class so i can learn about the gays and it literally made me sick and i wanted to throw up" that hurt me so much. i have a great girl friend and she wishes icould tell her but i cant and that hurts so bad. :( i dont know what i could possibly do so that sucks. I know how it feels to not be able to come out. i wish i could help you but i cant come out on my own. :( thats why i like this site i can be open and no one judges :(

I am gay and also don't fit the stereotype. That's what kept me confused for many yrs or thinking it was a phase. The older I got the more it became obvious inside.I recently told my lesbian neighbor I was gay. (part of the process I guess) She never knew. Why because I don't fit the stereotype.I hate the way we gays are portrayed on tv and movies.I don't act that way I'm an ordinary average guy who is gay and wears blue jeans,flannel and pocket t-shirts!!! Still gay though!!!

hello God Bless you dear you will never be comfortable being gay because you was not created gay GOD made Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve im not bein mean im just tellin you the Truth Jesus loves you the devil is a liar the bible say the devil comes 2 kill,steal,and destroy you were born a Man so your desire is 4 a Woman

While I respect your right to believe what you do, as well as your right to express your beliefs, I find your comment offensive. People certainly do not choose their sexuality, I know I didn't choose mine. I thought I was as straight as an arrow, until I met that one meant for me. And if you object, consider this: When did you make the conscious decision to be straight? I do not find it appropriate to tell someone what, or who they desire or feel attracted to. True, scripture says what you have reiterated, but I fail to see relevance. I do not feel that your words were anything but hurtful and served only to confuse the author above, and that is not, from what I understand, what this community is about. If you feel as you feel, then I don't understand why you were in this section of the site. If your purpose was to spread the word of your religion, then why say what you did? I feel that you were here to help, yes, but you have done the opposite in my opinion, this man needs help and support, not your religious agenda. Your religion is your own, it's perfectly okay to have it, and I respect that. But you crossed the line when you pushed your religion and it's views on someone else. As much as you have the right to have it, we have the right not to hear about it.

But everyone says you are made in gods image?! I love being gay. I still go to church but hes telling the truth, it is offensive, and you have your rights but the guy needs support and someone to believe in.

at least your parents arent jehovah's witnesses.. my dad left my mom because he was gay.. my sister came out, my aunt is gay.. my cousins gay.. there's no room for me to come out. i feel trapped. but good luck:)

do not deny your inner feelings, we are all of us part straight and part gay. It is nature. We are all of us, men and women, all part gay and lesbians. We are one body in one passion and without guilt love **** as much as you love *****, but love **** without guilt if you are man and if woman love ***** too. Climax and sex is a wonderful wonderful thing with man and man or woman and woman. JUST DO IT WITHOUT GUILT.

Well done for taking the first step of telling people, believe me, it is not an easy thing to do, takes a lot of courage. i have been there myself. You can't help the way you are, be proud of yourself and hold your head high. i have tried the "Gay Pride" thing myself and i am still unsure if it was the right thing for me, although i think it maybe because it was within my hometown and feeling a little uncomfortable just n case there would be someone there who i did not want to see! <br />
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Anyway good luck to you.....all the best!

I feel the same way

Your sexuality is one of the most basic things about you. Therefore, it is up to who you who you tell and when you tell them. Also, it is entirely up to you who you share your body, thoughts, feelings and emotions with.<br />
You won't lose your masculity in front of your family and friend because you are still the small person and the only difference between you and that you prefer someone of the same gender.<br />
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Personally, I like my guy to be a real man - straight acting, masculine guy - builder/fireman/policeman/armed services type.<br />
Not into cissy, feminine,camp or cross-dressing guys - nothing at all to do with being manly!!!!<br />
I like to be able to walk down the street with a special friend without someone saying, "Look at that pair of poofs!"

Is it weird that I really want to just have friends that are guys too. I don't want to have all girl friends but its obviously hard since I don't really associate with guys. I mean I really want a boyfriend but I don't want those two things to get mixed up. I guess thats the problem straight people have when a guy is friends with a girl when he's going out with another girl. I feel like if I ever come out I'll lose all my not gay guy friends. They'll probably all think I wanna **** them.

Not all dogs look the same neither do gays.Not all gay men bake cakes or wear long beards.and Hippy beads. Just be you.Be visionary.Don't feel you have to be anyone other than you are whilst in a group, gay or straight..Not all gay men feel they have to flaunt there gayness around others like an over zealous evangelist selling bibles. I suggest you phone a gay help line to find if they know of home gay group you can go to,, to meet people more like you..They might be able to suggest somewhere you have not thought of Also find out on the phone helpline what gay interests groups there are.available. A Gay hobby group could be an answer.Why not try to form a group for " SHY " gay men yourself if all fails.. A Gay group would be able to suggest somewhere you could hold such a group________________ Happy Hunting !!

Don't feel alone on that one. I know exactly what you're talking about because I feel it too. If you say you're gay, people assume that you are feminine. And that's how it will always be since they see the ultra-feminine types plastered all over the media. My advice to you would be to come out sparingly. Everyone doesn't have to know. Sure, you should be true to yourself and all that, but if you were straight, you wouldn't feel the need to tell everyone either. The best way to "secure"your masculinity is to not make a big deal out of it.

Just remember it was a drag queen that threw the first brick that started the Stonewall Riot and ignited the gay liberation movement.......

Being who you are is not wrong. i have certain fantasies, which I had never told anyone. I recently got married and explained my fantasies with my wife. She is supportive and understanding and has been my biggest fan. That said, maybe you need to find someone who you can confide in and share it with. There is nothing wrong with feeling or being who you are and you have to answer to no one. If friends and family members don't accept you for who you are, then that's their problem. Everyone is entitled to be happy by both means inside and out.

I am also a masculine gay man, but I've been out for 5 years now. The majority of my friends are straight guys, and I've had this happen to me before. I always just laugh, say, "just how you're attracted to (Mutual female friend who wasn't gifted in the looks department)" and then tell them to get over themselves. So far, it's worked. If they become uncomfortable around me / an *******, then I' would just cut them out of my life. I don't have time for guys who have homophobic issues, and I deserve better friends.

Im just like you, and I have your same problem but now that I acepted myself (without loosing my masculinity) I feel better than ever. I dont need to tell noone if Im gay or not. They just see when I am with my boyfriend cuse they ask and I awnser "yes, he is". I had had no issues till now with it. My friends just used to say: You? Gay? You must be joking!<br />
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BUt thats it hahaha. Im happy now and listen, there are worst things that being homosexual. Belive me...

Well... masculine gay men are hot so...I don't see why you can't be one.<br />
Non-ignorant people dont really see gay men as prissy and sweet and pink, its just the majority of the world who are ignorant that see all gay men in that way. Unfortunately. But clue your family and friends up if you want to avoid this mess of ruining a friendship or your 'manly image'. If they don't get it I guess they are just stupid. I'm juuust saayyiin'.

I hate heterosexual guys that think only because I'm gay, that I like every guy I see on the street.

I am gay and feminine to a point but when at work people don't beleive I am gay when I first tell them because I am also very butch. I hate the stereotypes as well because there are a wide variety of gays and straights my husband is what you would call a bromo as I believe you are as well a butch gay male who has lots of straight male friends and passes as straight to people who dont know. I do not fit the stereotype that all gay men are promiscuous and I have only had 4 lovers but am open about who and what I am and I have straight male friends who accept me for who I am. You have valid concerns and I respect your decision not to come out but do not write yourself off you are better than the stereotypes be proud of who you are.