Chris And I... And Ice
This is a true account of my life up until now.
I've always known that I was different. I experimented with guys early in life, but I never truly believed that I was gay, because in middle school, I was in love with a girl (to whom i'll refer to as Brid). Brid and I flirted and played around all the time, and one day, I told her I had to tell her something (on valentines day). I was going to ask her out, but I got too nervous and almost made her miss her bus; after that, we stopped talking and she went out with this other guy who wasn't afraid to ask her out. Eventually we started talking again, but after that, I fell in love with my best friend Mike, at the time. That's when I accepted that I was capable of liking guys, but Mike wasn't gay and gave me a hard time about it at first, before he fully accepted me again.
I was going to be attending a new school for my highschool years, so in the summer between MS and Highschool, I decided to look through my new school's directory and send some emails around to try to meet new friends. Then there was this guy who replied, and he seemed really nice, he liked soccer, he was into academics and his grades, and for the most part seemed fun and friendly. He was my first highschool friend, and as it turns out, the prospective school valedictorian. I really admired him and he was really nice to me; his name is Chris. However, there was this girl, by the name of Alex, who wanted to be friends with me, I think i regret that. I guess she knew that I really liked Chris, so she would always ask me questions about him and one day, she told her boyfriend who was mad at me (she didn't know), and he told Chris and everybody else that I was in love with him. Chris confronted me about it and he was panicking, at this point in him, he really cared what people thought about him, and didn't want others thinking he was gay, so basically he told me to not talk about him again, and our friendship took a downturn.
He ended up getting a girlfriend, and I figured that we could be friends again if he thought I was straight, so I got a girlfriend as well. We started talking again and being friends, but I needed to keep up an act, so I couldn't hang out with him during school, because I needed to be around my girlfriend, I couldn't hang out with him during fieldtrips because society mandated that I spend my time around my girlfriend. It was really painful, but I was able to talk to him during soccer practice and after school through the computer. Unfortunately, the majority of our private conversations were about how Reina (the girl I was going out with), and I were doing in our relationship. I told him we hadn't kissed yet, and every conversation we had would start with "have you kissed her yet?". He even made me promise him that I would kiss her and so many times did I say i would, knowing that I wouldn't be able to (but I always told myself that it was because I have trouble committing to a girl i'm not in love with). One day, I figured that I needed to stop pretending to be in love with Reina, and told Chris that I thought about breaking up with her. He was really shocked because he didn't know that all this time, I was not in love with her and that it was just an act. He told me not to break up with her and to kiss her, because that would make me change my mind (or so he thought). However, after that time, Chris would not say anything nice to me without saying "no homo" so he went through this really homophobic phase.
(Ice and where he comes in)
At the beginning of freshman year, Chris and I were best friends, but then after our confrontation, he got a new best friend because we couldn't hang out anymore because of me being Reina's boyfriend. So, Ice and Chris became best friends and became inseparable. Apparently, according to Ice, Chris told him that he loved him, but that Ice couldn't tell anybody because he wasn't sure of what it means. Chris is straight (i guess). Ice told me that himself is straight and that he doesn't have feelings for Chris, the way Chris has feelings for him. But, sometimes it's really painful for me to think about their friendship, because Chris and I could have been like that as I had the advantage, but ruined it all when Alex told her bf, and he told Chris (I never admitted to liking him, i just told him that I really admired him).
I'm not sure how it started, but Ice and Chris had an argument and they weren't talking to each other. Chris was afraid of making Ice mad, and Ice just didn't want to deal with Chris because Chris always made Ice mad when he would rather hangout with his other friends instead of him at parties that Chris invited Ice to. So, at one point, I had to become the middleman between them and communicate for them. At this point, Chris and I became really good friends and we started texting each other, talking on the computer more, and even calling every once in a while. (About a month or 2 ago, i had secretly broken up with Reina without Chris knowing about it). We were so good of friends at this point, that I was even able to tell Chris that Reina and I had broken up and when I told him why i couldn't tell him earlier, he was like "I can't believe that i said that.". We talked about a lot of things, i even brought up what happened in 9th grade and he said "I'm sorry, it's just that was a time when I was really scared of what others thought and I couldn't defend you because I didn't want others to think I was gay." I told him how that made me lose a lot of trust him him, and he told me that he loved me and that my other friends loved me too. He told me that I wasn't alone. I told him that I just couldn't believe that and that I had a hard time trusting him. I asked him if he could make me the promise that I could trust him, and he said "only if you promise to believe that i mean what i say and do." So we had a mutual agreement and for the next few weeks things were great between us and not so great between him and Ice. I had the opportunity to end their friendship as I was the middleman, but I decided that would be too painful for Chris, so I figured that it would be best to make them get back together as being friends (at this time, I didn't know that apparently, Chris loves Ice). So Chris was really thankful for helping me get them back together as being friends, and I thought that he was going to what I think of as his act and go back to being best friends with Ice and forgetting about me, but he didn't and we continued being really great friends. Ice and Chris are friends now too and Chris was also trying to be friends with Ice, but I don't know why Ice started having a mean attitude towards Chris.
Now, Ice is kind of distant to Chris, They haven't talked in 2 weeks, not even txted or called each other, but Ice said that He actually likes the situation like this, and I haven't asked Chris about it, because I assumed that they were being really good friends right now, and did not predict that they were not even talking to each other much. Right now, we are in spring break and Chris is out of the state going on college tours and visits. Ice and I talked about how I wish I could have the sort of friendship that he and Chris have, and ice told me that the only way for Chris to really decide what he feels about our friendship is to stop being friends with him for a while so that he can know what he is missing. I don't know if I really want to do this, because I think Chris might feel that our friendship is really good right now, and maybe it's just because of school work (being the end of the 3rd quarter), that we haven't been able to really hang out, talk, or do things together. 2 days ago, is when I found out that apparently, Chris loves Isaiah, so it's been really painful trying to deal with that and I don't exactly doubt that, which makes me hurt a lot. Ice told me that I should tell Chris how I feel about him, but I told Ice that I didn't want to lose Chris for a 3rd time, and Ice said "This isn't your call, this time, he would be losing you." Which I guess makes sense, but if he decides to not be my friend, it IS still my lose.
I've been thinking about it, and the problem isn't really with chris not wanting to be my friend, but rather me having trouble accepting that he says he does and I just have trouble believing it. Maybe it's because of what happened 9th grade, or because he told me he really cares about me, but doesn't show it in person as often as I would like. When he invites me to join him with his friends, I always hesitate and I have trouble joining them, because I don't know whether to trust chris or not. So, my new plan (without talking to Ice about it), is to just put his words to the test and turn them into actions and see if he really meant all that he has said to me. On the computer, we are really awesome friends and talk about anything, I make him laugh, he makes me laugh, we always enjoy each other on the computer, but sometimes it feels like I"m talking to a different person on the computer, than in person. So i want to try to make it consistent who it is that I talk to on the computer and in person and make them the same. If it means that I was right about chris all along and I couldn't trust him, then I will at least be able to deal with it and move on. If it turns out that I can trust him and he really did mean everything he said to me, then we'll be able to be great friends and in the summer (after all of the junior end of year exams and APs), I'll let him know what I really feel about him and tell him that I love him, and although he may not love me back, I think he'll be able to accept that and we'll be able to be friends, maybe even better friends, because of a deeper understanding we would have of each other. I don't know what all of this will mean for Ice or for all of my other friends, but I've wanted this for the past 3 years and I kind of feel that it's time for me to do something about it.
Is there anything that you think I might have over thought or missed? Do you think that I"m making the right decision in trying to go after Chris (I think that he is capable of being gay and because of what imightb said, I think that Chris and I could have a future)?