What Am I?

I never felt comfortable with the "limits" of being a biological female when I was a child. And yet, when I envisioned myself as a boy, I knew I wouldn't have felt comfortable as a boy either. There were times when the gender issue affected my young mind so much that I felt depressed living in a gendered world.

As an adult, I learned to be more at ease with myself. Outwardly, especially when in my hometown where relatives abound, I live as a girl. I dress us as a girl and try to move as one. When I'm in Manila, I act more gender neutral. I dress whatever I feel. I enjoy both girly and boyish clothing. I sometimes act like a fangirl (some screaming perhaps?), and I enjoy sporty stuff like rollerblading and waveboarding/ripsticking.

I have masculine and feminine characteristics. As a whole, I feel neutral. I am a boy and a girl. There is no use denying that fact to myself. If others find that a little difficult to accept, well, it's their problem.
netherlander netherlander
3 Responses Jul 10, 2010

I think it is great that you are free. Would that it were reasonably possible for guys who also feel sort of gender-neutral. Not only can they not do or like any girly things, but they could be shunned or ridiculed for nothing more than saying that they don't like to watch football or for wearing a T-shirt that comes to the hem of their shorts.

I had a discussion of this with a friend. I did not anticipate me crying though. It reminded me of our human nature of wanting to be understood. I was not very convincing, I'm sure as I seemed like a little kid who could not fully express him/herself. I guess words are not always effective. I just gotta live my life as I am without pretensions as much as possible.

Agreed! I played sports for over 10 years and loved them, and yet I enjoyed to put on dresses and play dress up. I completely know how you feel. I've just learned to be comfortable with myself. I am what I am :). I'm glad you found that level of comfort as well :D. It's great to be free :).