Finally Figured It Out

It's kind of funny actually because it really did take a bit to figure it out.
I wrote in the transgender group about how I'd always felt male and how that came to be (I'm not taking it down despite these revelations. It is a relevant stepping stone in my development as a person) and eventually I DID talk to my psychiatrist about it. She referred me to another place to get started on transitioning and, instead of being relieved or really excited (is that even the right word?) about it, I just got really nervous and anxious.
I was like "is this REALLY what I want? Do I REALLY want to go through with this? What if I regret it?" That was when it sort of hit me that I don't feel entirely male, but I don't feel entirely female either. I feel like I'm both and I feel like I'm neither.
Like I said in my other story, if I were to actually transition to male, I'd probably end up being a drag queen or something, and now I realise that that was a HUGE clue.
I found out that one of my friends from high school who I'd since lost contact with was ftm and started talking to him and telling him what had happened and he helped clarify things, and I started talking to another genderfluid person that I met during Pride and they helped me figure things out too.
And now I'm comfortable being both and neither.
And, actually, I'm really happy that it turned out this way, because now I won't NEED any surgery or any hormones. I already HAVE a fairly androgynous appearance. Now all I need to do is focus on losing weight (Beachbody Insanity!) and then get a chest binder or something, and a gender-neutral name (and really, that's just a personal thing. I hate my real name. I like the name Malin).
Pronouns still bother me A LITTLE but not to the extent that they previously did. I still visibly flinch at "ma'am" because, c'mon, I'm ******* 23! I'm not a ma'am! "Sir" just sounds too formal for me, really. "Miss" is for little girls, I think. I dunno, I'll work on pronouns. I've basically told the people at work to either refer to me by name or as "dudebro" because that's my universal gender-neutral pronoun :3
But yeah. That's where I am in life and I'm happy (for the most part).
Now to just finish school and get a real person job.
Bumblebetch Bumblebetch
Sep 7, 2012