Living My Life As A Gender Queer And How It Affects Me To This Day ...

Well back then when  I was in seventh grade I  didnt know the term Gender queer but I had  been living my life as a  boy, I dressed like one ,  and did everything the other boys did.  I didnt have very many girls who were my friends...  I never did relate to girls . I felt very akward and very out of place. For me living my life feeling like this  was pretty hard to accept and I developed  depression and anxiety over it  and I still have never  come to grips with this . Actually being gender queer has so many disadvantages...  A lot of hardships and struggles...  I am 18 now and I  didnt start devolping a chest till this year and I am still waiting for my first menustration . I dont know whats wrong with me but theres something wrong with my body ... I am thin so I can really get away  with looking like a boy ... I actually look and sound 15 .  Thats just how my life is and I dont understand why ... I hope theres someone out there to relate to me ... To feel like I do ... Its hard to find a guy who would want to date someone like  me and im not into women ...  I had only one love and it wasnt entirely healthy but thats what u get for being so damn confused and scared...  So the story below  is something I experienced and regret everyday and I wish I could of done something differently ... 

l actually fell in love with a  boy named Michael  in seventh grade and he didnt know I was a girl . We ended up hanging out and just being friends at first  and then  things led to another and he asked me out ... He thought really  I was the boy of his dreams... I never experienced the way he made me feel before , He made me feel like he really did care for me and he really did want to be with me and That is the reason why I fell hard ... We did everything together... We were pretty much close and I was afraid if  I told him the truth he would end everything and even not wanting to be my friend... I then thought he might be bi so I asked him if he dated girls as well and he said no he was Very much gay... :( That broke my heart because that just made things even worse... I spent a year trying to figure out ways to break up with him without him knowing so we could end quietly . Because one I didnt want the school to know I was a girl ... I didnt feel like it was any of anyone buisness and I didnt even think  I did anything wrong hiding that ... Until i realised wht i was doing to michael was so wrong... I felt like it was wrong , I felt so guilty but I just couldnt tell him ...  I then became depressed and had real bad anger issues and Cried  a lot and that pushed him away and we ended up breaking up and he wanted nothing to do with me . He called me crazy ...  

So we never talked for two years at all and I thot I got out of that dilemma and he then came back out from no where , just  randomly wanting to hang out again ... He said in the two years of not seeing each other maybe I found myself again and that I was healed somehow , thats what he believed.  We did talk sex shortly after  and he had said its something he wanted to do for awhile and he said he was more comfortable with me then anyone rite now  because we had history ...  That really messed me up inside mentally because I knew we could never  do that ...   
I wanted too but I dont have what he wants ... I still liked him a lot and I really wanted to come clean but when we fight we end up apart for a real long time because of it and that I know in my heart he would just forget about me and just walk out and never look back if i did come clean...
So he set a date  , it was supposed to be  the day of his spring grade nine dance ...

We were supposed to attend that  then go to his house after ... That was the plan.. but that was a week away and within that week everything got so screwed up , I ended up cutting myself  and taking a few  of sleeping pills and I been drinking and he came to my rescue but he was done , he was so done with me ... After I was released we went for coffee and  he ended up talking about ending everything and he didnt even want to be friends... Then I had to say it was his fault why I did what I did and that made things get  so bad ... He then ended up saying he doesnt care anymore and just told me  get the eff out of his life ... I was about to tell him the truth about my gender but he was gone already , he had  changed his cell and all his emails ... There was no contact ... 

Then few weeks after not hearing from him my mom moved us  to Canada FROM  California... It was just my mom and I . In away I thought that would be better so I can heal myself and get away from michael and Try to get myself back together but I still wanted him and I know it wasnt possible ... But I thought about him every now and then for 4 years  and I would cry everytime I do . I knew I was in the wrong in two aspects , For my gender and the suicide ...   I am now 18 years old and hes 19 now  and I recently  aol instant messaged him and he still had his aim screen name from when he was 13 ... So I ended up telling him who I was and he still strongly felt that  I stay away from him and  he wanted nothing to do with me . I understood him  and respected that and before I said my last and final goodbye I told him I had a secret I wanted to tell him that I should of told him long ago before we even started dating before and he said   / is it bad? /  
and I told him yes it is and he said
 / why make things worse then they are and save urself from me hating u even more, save it/  
 ... then he blocked me ...  That was the last time we talked and this happened  just last night...  I am have a hard time moving on and I know in order for me to be healthy again mentally  I needed to leave him alone ...   Get over it and live my life again ...  

That is my first and only person I actually dated and loved. I never looked for anyone else . but thats my story that will always live with me ... Hopefully I will find peace... Until then being gender queer for me is really hard to deal with . . . I wish I could change how I feel about all this but I cant and I dont know why....
olliesacay olliesacay
18-21
Jul 28, 2010