Visiting Home

I've been doing a lot of wondering lately.  Most of it's been in the form of wondering about me.  Just me.  My body, my career, so on.  Only me.  I've been looking into correcting the things about this body that I'm not comfortable with, so I've been doing a lot of thinking about myself and my future on a physical level.  But this week I'm at home with my family.

I haven't lived at home full time in almost three years.  Since I started university I've progressively lost touch with what being here is like.  I'm so much freer to be me when I'm away at school.  I can be myself and never have anyone bat an eye.  (Well, anyone who knows me.)  So to come home to my very Christian family and my homophobic mother and her obsessiveness about gender presentation and roles is a bit jarring.

It's painful, really.  Hearing my given name all the time, being addressed by some sort of feminine indicator (girl, nina, etc), being nagged at because I don't dress in a feminine enough manner, all of that is painful.  To me it almost feels degrading, because I'm being forced into this mask of who they want me to be instead of being accepted by them for who I am.  

I haven't come out to them, so part of that is my fault.  But if I were to come out, I can't say with certainty that I would ever be able to come home again, and right now I really can't afford that.  Hopefully in a year or two that'll change, but for right now I'm stuck with them.  The thing is, eventually they'll notice something has changed.  For instance, I'm not particularly comfortable with my chest and would like to be rid of the rather noticeable growths on it.  I think they would notice, however, if I no longer have breasts.  But that's something to be dealt with later, when I get to it.  For now it's just the rather unwelcoming feeling home has taken on.

BrightFrost BrightFrost
18-21, T
3 Responses Mar 10, 2010

I hope over time your situation will improve. It is sad that others want you to be what you feel you are not. Until you can stop pretending to serve the needs of others,to "fit in" or just to placate them,you will never be at peace. Sad that people who profess "christian" values can be so hurtful and hateful. Did not Jesus say "love thine enemies" Did not jesus go among the social outcasts of the time ? Did not jesus ask the lord to forgive those who took his life ? Did not Jesus say "do not judge others" Good luck on becoming who the LORD intended you to be. And ALWAYS REMEMBER that according to "christians" jesus was the greatest person ever,yet there was NO OUTCRY about his conviction and death. Just as today,same type of people espouse his values ,BUT DON"T PRACTICE THEM. And remember if these people could standby and watch him die,they will not stand up for you. And if you are being true to yourself,then you are walking in Jesus shoes. He also was not accepted. But he was TRUE to himself,even to those who CHOSE to hate him. I hope this helps you as it has helped me. If "christians" could allow such things to happen to JESUS (and he was said to be perfect) How can we expect them to act to imperfect people?

Its a Binary World and if you don't fit into " Society Norms" it can be literally "Hell on Earth". Shame on some people decide what is "right" for everyone--soothes their own insecurities? Parents will be Parents, just bare with it. As for everyone else, just consider the source, 9 out of 10 times they are covering for themselves and have denied their own inner self as well.

I totally get were you are coming from I'm the same in the other direction<br />
I'm trying to find a happy medium between what they want and what I need to do to be me.<br />
As Christians they should Love you no matter what. But unfortunately not all Christians see things that way. Coming out of the closet is a big risk but it can open the door to compromise