I Feel Like The World Is Wrong.

I've been terribly phobic of society for as long as I can remember, and have been carted off to a whole range of different therapists over my life. I'm now 30, and still just as scared of people as ever. When the door knocks and I am near enough to it to be seen through the window I immediately drop to the floor in an attempt to disappear - even if I am carrying a hot cup of tea!
I have had a lot of bad experiences growing up, some of which are so harrowing I can't bring myself to discuss them even on an anonymous site like this. But I do believe that these have only reinforced my fear of people and not started it.
Since I was old enough to ask questions I have driven all around me mad by asking them why they do what they do, and have never received satisfying answers. I grew up with the conviction that those around me were illogical and selfish; unable to consider that they may be doing something immoral or unjust. I find that if I sit and really *think* about what scares me about people my main focus is always on how easily they justify doing terrible things. Aggression, violence, cruelty and ignorance are things that my subconscious mind just can not seem to accept in humanity.
As an adult, I am trying so hard to gain some kind of balance in my opinions... but I struggle so hard! I find so little in my day to day life that contradicts my cynicism.
Does anyone else find this?
hagrobiscuit hagrobiscuit
26-30, F
1 Response Dec 1, 2012

I think that is so sad I wish I could help. there are a lot of good people out there who will accept you as you are. Have or are you seeing a psychiatrist? you do not have to answer if you do not want to