Post

Moving Out

Hello to all of the wonderful friends here that have given me so much support and help. As many of you know I am moving out of the sexless marriage with my mentally ill wife. I know that when anyone steps out and does what they need to do, it give courage to the ones who have yet to step out. That is at least partially why I am writing today. The step out is easy in the sense that I knew it was the only thing left to do but difficult because divorce under the best of circumstances is a nasty business.
Life is hard at times but as the quote in my profile says "Maturity is the ability to face the harsh realities of life." I have not always faced such harsh realities in my life but I am facing them now. My wife is mentally ill and that took a good while to sink in. I consider myself free to share the pain of that reality in a forurm like this because no one here knows me or my wife. Even then it took extra courage to do this because speaking ill of her in any form is considered by her to be the ultimate betrayal. Yet it is this kind of manipulative behavior that has trapped me into silence and submission for far too long.
I had to admit to myself that I have been putting up with abusive behavior for years and as such was a battered husband. I did not like to admit such a thing but wrote a story explaining it. That was difficult as well. When the story was criticized by someone I did not have to respond to the criticism for someone else did in the very next comment. It made me feel vinidcated and relieved all at the same time.
I had to face the fact the church despite my love for it and the love I have receieved and given to its members let me down at crucial times and in the end had no real forum for helping a member living with a spouse who had a severe mental illness. Marriage is still sacred but so is the dignity and respect that should come out of marriage. In my marriage I was controlled, manipulated, and verbally abused for years. Does that constitue a marriage? Would the church have allowed such abuse to happen if a man treated a woman in such a way?
I had to face the very hard truth that many people will never understand how I could end a marriage of almost 33 years. My wife due to the nature of her illness will probably never understand why I even want to leave as she does not consider her behavior abusive. It was even more difficult to realize that her behavior towards me was not only abusive but cruel.
The last but perhaps the easiest truth I have had to face is that I no longer consider myself married even though we have yet to divorce. I have looked for other women and talked to other women on the phone. I have even gone to dinner with one woman twice. For the phone calls alone my wife calls me an adulterer and reminds me at least once a week that God sees what I am doing. I will trust in God's judgement and do not need to be reminded of his presence or in his ability and right to judge me and all people. I know what the church thinks of me but I have not been married to a woman for all these years but to a child. A child who is never satisfied and who will always need more from me than anyone could even give to her or to any person. The day I decided to leave the marriage was the day she was no longer my wife. The rest was just a legal formaity. That may sound harsh but it is by far the easiest of the hard truths I have had to face.
OmyTVC15 OmyTVC15 51-55, M 5 Responses Mar 24, 2012

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I wish you good luck. One piece of advice, don't rush right into another relationship. Examine what you need to do to heal yourself and whatever it is that allowed you to accept her abuse for so long. Being alone is difficult, I know, but you wouldn't want to go into a new relationship still damaged. That wouldn't be fair to either of you.

thanks loreli. I lived in Tucson for 10 years. Thunderstorms there are awesome!

I am so impressed by your thoughtful and heartfelt story. Your's has been a terribly difficult journey and made even harder by the fact that your wife is unable to grasp the effects her behaviour have had on you.<br />
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It is very difficult to reclaim your own life under such circumstances and you are doing so very well to manage that. May the next few weeks, whilst undoubtedly hard, lead to your greater happiness and health in the future.

Thanks enna1

Good luck to you and your future. This does give us hope and I will be thinking of you in the days to come.. I think walking out that door has lifted so much off your shoulders..I could only imagine ..

You can do it Gingerpie! Thank you for your comments!

You obviously gave this a lot of thought before you came to your decision to move out and get on with your life. Are you safe? How mentally ill is your ex. I have a problem with people who hide behind their religion and get the feeling that they think that makes them superior to others - moral high ground and such. Could that be what your ex is trying to do - make you feel guilty. <br />
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I may have to face the same Judgement from my mother-in-law and from my soon to be ex since he has recently started going back to church for what I think is Religion of Convenience. I am interested in how you handle it. Keep us posted on what happens and stay your course.

I do think she has at best and overinflated sense of her own virture.

I can relate too your situation but UN-fortunately i am the one who should be left. My husband is great and we love each-other dearly but my depression has hurt him in a lot of ways. i don't cheat or physically abuse but its hard to know when im gonna smile or frown. some days i feel great and other days i sleep and cry. I have no answer to why im so up and down but that i have a disorder called bipolar and depression. I hope it never comes to divorce but i feel like he deserves so much better, no one should ever be abused and god wont criticize you for being honest with yourself and ending a long drawn-out, abusive relationship. Keep your head up and enjoy all the love your life will create.

I have depression and who knows what else but there is medication for depression and for me it makes the situation managable.