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Seven Deadly Sins Of Divorce. Not religious in nature but common sense things to do regarding divorce..


Today I found something very insightful and want to share this information with you who are going through or contemplating a divorce. This comes from a new book, "Last One Down The Aisle Wins" co-authored by family therapist Shannon Fox and divorce attorney Celeste Liversidge. I will do some paraphrasing due to the length of this information. The seven sins are as follows:

1. FORCING YOUR KIDS TO TAKE SIDES. This happens more times then not and is very destructive for children's well being. Using them as validation for who is wrong and who is right and as pawns does them irreparable damage. It changes who they are and the divorce is bad enough without putting children in the middle. Keep things between you and your STBX and act mature.

2. USING YOUR ATTORNEY AS A THERAPIST. He or she is not trained for this and remember that time is money. Your emotional differences with your STBX do not come into play. It is alright to state the reasons why the marriage is ending but your attorney is no substitute for a therapist and it is a waste of their resouces and your money to take valuable legal time going on and on about who did what to who.

3. SPENDING $10,000 TO GET $1000. Once again time is money. Think about the long term results that you are wanting and try not to waste your attorneys time persuing avenues that will rack up court fees just to prove a point.

4. TAKING A LAISSE FAIRE APPROACH TO YOUR CASE. Be proactive and remember that your STBX has an attorney working for him or her too. Do not sit back and think that STBX will fair as they have their agenda and that is not your agenda. Prepare yourself in the best ways possible. Do some research and present items your attorney requests in a timely manner. This is a time in your life where personal empowerment is important. Ask for a weekly update by e-mail from your attorney so you know how things are progressing.

5. REFUSING TO MEDIATE. The thought of having to sit across from your STBX and hashing things out with your respective attorneys is not pleasant but a necessary part of the divorce process. Try to maintain your composure and take cues from your attorney. He or she will brief you as to what to expect and how to respond in the best ways possible for your future well being. This can be a time when you can talk to STBX in a sensible way and work through the divorce in the best ways for you both. Try to be respectful even if you are seething inside for losing your cool will make a bad impression and cost you more haggling thus more legal fees in the long run.

6. DEMONIZING YOUR EX ESPECIALLY WITH YOUR CHILDREN. Remember that when you trash their mom or dad you are trashing a part of them. The natural inclination for us, when we hear that we are being talked about unfairly, is to want to lash back but be the better person. You will like yourself better as a human being in the long run. Remember your final goal and that is to do as little harm as possible for anger and trashing STBX wastes valuable energies better spent on you and your future. This gets hard at times. People will always take sides in a divorce but adding to the hurt and name calling only makes the process harder especially for the children. You can vent to friends in confidence or a therapist if you choose but an out and out attack on STBX will only add to the emotional pain in the long run for all involved.

7. JUMP INTO A REBOUND RELATIONSHIP. Take some time for yourself and regain your footing in life. Rebuild your sense of self and redefine yourself apart from your ex. It is natural to want to find love again. To be accepted for who you are as person. Take time to know what you really want in a relationship. I am not talking about couples who have found one another and know how right it is but those people who jump in without taking time to know who they are and also what went wrong in the former marriage.

Parts of this are taken directly from the article and parts of this are from what I have learned about life from a long time of reading and writing down my thoughts and feelings. What I have learned from others both here and in RL. Divorce under the best circumstances from both parties involved is painful. We want to go on with our lives with the knowledge that we have made the divorce decision armed with wisdom and knowledge as then we can have better lives in the long run. Some of us have been on the receiving end of a lot of pain for a long time. Some of us part as friends with minimal bad feelings. Ultimately only we can rise above the common mistakes that sometimes accompany this life changing experience. What STBX does rests on their shoulders and is something we have no control over.

I will add one other thing to this story. ARM YOURSELF WITH THE BEST DIVORCE ATTORNEY YOU CAN AFFORD. Even if the cost seems high at the time, you do get what you pay for and this is no time to be cheap. Check around as you are shopping for your future financial and mental well being. Ask questions when you sit down with your attorney of choice so you know what to expect. You will get a gut reaction if this attorney is right for you. A good attorney will tell you the best and worst case scenarios. He or she has heard it all. Be respectful and mature. Attorneys are like anyone else. Human nature means that if you respect their knowledge and establish a good impression at the initial meeting, they will go the extra mile for you.
Try to keep emotions in check as much as possible. Ranting about your STBX will waste valuable time and add to the total cost and you will come off as a person more concerned with trashing your ex instead of as a mature adult  concerned about your future well being.

dartist dartist 56-60, F 7 Responses Jun 26, 2010

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It is an emotional process and keeping one's final goal in mind helps. Take care and let us know how things progress for you at this time of great change in your life. Peace,D.

Thank you for posting this, Dartist! I am starting procedures and will certainly keep this advice in mind.

I agree that taking the high road gets hard. In the thick of this myself and the past few days have stretched me both mentally and physically. Feeling a bit down right now. It helps to know that others are going through the same things and we will get through this and walk out the other side intact but it still gets hard. Glad this story helped. Peace,D.

I am into the thick of things right now so this is a good reminder. It's so hard to take the high road for soooo long. Especially when I have to push and prop to keep things going. Why would he want to prolong this agony? I am doing a lot of what you recommend, but the reminder is good, so thanks.

It seems to make sense and I also wish that you had this information at that time. Hopefully it will help others now. Thank you for your comment and I hope that you are doing well. Peace,D.

You are welcome notgettingany. Take care,D.

Thank you.