I've Been Played...

I am not a naive person. But I do tend to give people the benefit of the doubt. And although I've thought my STBX was passive aggressive, I've always thought he was more passive than aggresive. But after chatting with my hairdresser (he is better than most therapists) I think the STBX is more aggressive than I've given him credit for, and maybe smarter too.

We've been seperated but living together for over a year, papers are filed, using a mediator to negotiate. I live upstairs, he and the kids live downstairs. The kids come up and hang out with me most evenings so it's not totally unbearable, but it still sucks.

But we've been at a sticking point with me trying to buy him out of the house for a couple of months. I've presented my "numbers", basically a present worth calculation of his annuity as my barter in his equity of the house. Understandably he wants as much as he can get, but we'd like to keep the kids in their same school, with their same friends, etc. I've compromised a lot, 15 year life expectancy after retirement not 20, minimal raises, used his furloughed salary as a starting point, etc.

After we left the mediators office two weeks ago I thought we were very close, I was expecting to go home work out the details and get a loan to buy him out the next day. He put the brakes on. He wasn't comfortable with the "numbers". He needed to go back and look at how they were calculated. He's now making noise about the 401K's an just about everything. Funny how none of the "numbers" have changed over the last few months but it's only at the 11th hour that he's making a fuss. He's stringing me along.

My biggest concern was getting the kids settled before the school year started. Not looking like he's going to make up his mind any time soon, so that's out the window. Had hoped to either sell the house and at least get into a rental before the school year started, or possibly buy a home. Not going to happen.

So now I'm sitting back and looking at little things, like him taking the kids out of town while I'm at work, for three days, when he could easily wait to leave until after I get home from work so I can see them. Him hanging out with me at a tournament that I am playing in, when he knows I'm not happy with him and don't want him around. I mean I know he has always pushed my buttons. But I think I underestimated him. I thought he was basically a nice guy. But he's not. He doesn't even have the kids best interest at heart. He just wants to punish me.

I've been played and I'm still being played and I need to wise up and get in the game. I'm not a game player. I have no poker face. I have no filter on my mouth. I wear my emotions on my sleeve. This sucks.

notgettingany notgettingany
46-50, F
2 Responses Jul 14, 2010

I'm so stupid. He did it to me again. We finally had a talk Wed night, he had some numbers, not so far off from what we started with. Thurs morning I responded with a counter offer and we talked for over 2 hours back and forth, finally came to an agreement where I could buy him out. So I let the condo go and applied for a loan. Then yesterday he changed his mind. The numbers aren't right again. I lost it. I haven't been "nice" to him. What? Really? You string me along for months and expect me to be nice to you? WTF? I need to just throw in the towel. I can't take it any more. I tried going the kind and gentle route and all it got me was screwed. For my own sake I need to move.

I think I've been tip toeing around because I wanted the kids to stay in their current home and to minimize the disruption in their lives. I think he's using that to string me along. I need to give up on the house. See the big picture. Getting the kids used to at least going back and forth between two homes. I don't think he's going to allow me to buy him out and I'm tired of being strung along. Whenever it comes time to making a decision he just throws mud into the situation. He doesn't want to be the bad guy and kick the kids out of their school so he's just delaying. He'll say the house isn't ready to go on the market because the ____ needs work. He won't accept an offer because it's too low. I can just see it coming. I need to just bite the bullet and go rent an apartment and let him stay in the house and because it's cheaper than renting he'll never want to leave and it'll take forever to get him to sell. But at least my kids will be used to going back and forth... ugh.