Blindsided

A month ago (which also was less than a week before my birthday), my husband suddenly told me he wants a divorce. I was blindsided by the news. I didn't know our marriage was in trouble. I didn't know we were headed this way. I never knew my husband had growing issues with me and our marriage.

My husband and I have been married for 7 1/2 years; together for 16 years. I am 34 now and 16 years is basically half of my life. He said his decision is firm; no amount of work/effort on both our parts or counseling will help us, according to him. So I sit here having to accept the fact that I'm getting divorced.

I had no fighting chance and this is what hurts and frustrates me the most; I'm feeling so many different emotions. I want to talk to him about what I'm thinking and feeling. Deep down, I have this small bit of hope that he'll want to work on our marriage and truly exhaust all possible things before we consider divorce.

But I assume he's already moving on; I mean, c'mon, he already listed himself on at least a few online dating websites. Yet he calls me every other day wanting to talk and our conversations feel like we're 'husband and wife' again.

Would you believe the day he said he wanted a divorce, he said he wants us to be friends after all this? He continues to tell me that. He says he wants me to remain in his life. And I'm trying my best to ignore his phone calls and texts because I'm not going to play games through this process. My thoughts and feelings are out in the open; my family is aware of everything that has gone on and HIS family is aware of everything as well.

My husband can't have his cake and eat it, too. His words and actions confuse me and it brings about sadness and pain.

I still love my husband very much and care for him deeply. There isn't a switch inside that can be flipped that turns off these feelings immediately. I sit here frusrated, hurt, sad and angry. I'm so angry because it feels like he gave up on us so easily. He didn't communicate with me what he was thinking or feeling. He kept so many things bottled up inside. I'm sad and hurt because my husband was my best friend; he was the first person I was completely comfortable with so easily; I was able to be so open and honest with him. I hate that I don't have that best friend right now. I'm frustrated because I can't do anything to save this marriage. I sit here and wait and hope.



stronger1976 stronger1976
31-35, F
9 Responses Aug 2, 2010

This is interesting... because it is exactly the experience I am going through! My husband of 11 years (we've been together 14) suddenly decided that he no longer wants to be with me. While he "would never trade" the years we've had together, he simply feels "unfulfilled" and he wants to start again with someone else. He tells me that he isn't having an affair, and I believe him. He just seems to have shut the door on our relationship and is anxious to move on. This has all happened in the last 3 weeks. I never saw it coming. I thought we were great! We're best friends and we're respectful and supportive of each other.Like your experience, my husband also tells me that he'd like to remain close friends after divorce. I think that's unrealistic. He even told me that I could be "like an aunt" to his future children. Whaaa? What kind of fantasy land is he living in?Some of the time, he seems to separate from me, distancing himself, I suppose preparing to separate. But, other times he'll want to talk and hug and I'll feel like we're going to be okay. It's been back and forth and I don't know what my role is here, except to wait to see what he decides to do.I'm also in my mid 30s and feel blindsided. I'm heartbroken and confused. I can't just stop loving him either, I don't know if that happens over time or what. Or, perhaps I'll be some sad pathetic woman, still loving someone who left me, years from now. Or maybe I'll stop loving him over time, as he moves on.

Wow same story only I am 56 and we were together for 33 years.

To the original poster, I'm going through the exact same thing. We were together 13 years, married 11.5. I had no idea he was unhappy and truly thought we were happily married. When he told me wanted a divorce, he refused to do any counseling, refused a temporary separation and insisted that divorce was the only option. Apparently he had been really unhappy for a while and didn't feel the need to talk about it...so he bottled it all up. I was blindsided and devastated. He's pushed the divorce through at record speed and in two days, it will be final. I've moved out of the house and into an apartment. I'm still reeling from it all. He, too, said he wants to remain in my life and be friends. But that isn't an option for me. I've never been more stunned or hurt by anything in my life. One of the comments above mention this sounding like a mid-life crisis. We're both 37 years old and I feel that is exactly what he is going through. We were best friends. There was no abuse of any kind, no known infidelity, no substance abuse. We have no children, no debt and have financially comfortable (we both work), so no fights over money. Our sex life was great. We have lots in common and our religious and political beliefs are the same. <br />
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What hurts the most is that he considered me and our marriage unworthy of work. He simply didn't want to put the effort into counseling to find a solution to his unhappiness. It's very difficult to picture a future without him. But like you, I feel he can't have his cake and eat it, too, so I will not stay in his life as a "friend" (as if that's even possible). As of right now, almost everything is settled, so there's little left to talk about but I miss him desperately every single day. I can't fathom dating again. Everything I've known for the last 13 years is over.<br />
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There was nothing I could do to talk him down from this divorce, so I just got dragged along for the ride. It is frustrating, devastating and sad. I completely understand how you felt going through this as I am going through it now. I'd love to know how you're doing one year later (I noticed this written almost exactly 1 year ago).

To the original poster, I'm going through the exact same thing. We were together 13 years, married 11.5. I had no idea he was unhappy and truly thought we were happily married. When he told me wanted a divorce, he refused to do any counseling, refused a temporary separation and insisted that divorce was the only option. Apparently he had been really unhappy for a while and didn't feel the need to talk about it...so he bottled it all up. I was blindsided and devastated. He's pushed the divorce through at record speed and in two days, it will be final. I've moved out of the house and into an apartment. I'm still reeling from it all. He, too, said he wants to remain in my life and be friends. But that isn't an option for me. I've never been more stunned or hurt by anything in my life. One of the comments above mention this sounding like a mid-life crisis. We're both 37 years old and I feel that is exactly what he is going through. We were best friends. There was no abuse of any kind, no known infidelity, no substance abuse. We have no children, no debt and have financially comfortable (we both work), so no fights over money. Our sex life was great. We have lots in common and our religious and political beliefs are the same. <br />
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What hurts the most is that he considered me and our marriage unworthy of work. He simply didn't want to put the effort into counseling to find a solution to his unhappiness. It's very difficult to picture a future without him. But like you, I feel he can't have his cake and eat it, too, so I will not stay in his life as a "friend" (as if that's even possible). As of right now, almost everything is settled, so there's little left to talk about but I miss him desperately every single day. I can't fathom dating again. Everything I've known for the last 13 years is over.<br />
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There was nothing I could do to talk him down from this divorce, so I just got dragged along for the ride. It is frustrating, devastating and sad. I completely understand how you felt going through this as I am going through it now. I'd love to know how you're doing one year later (I noticed this written almost exactly 1 year ago).

I partially agree with postr:Ambivlent.<br />
What he says is true...I had a very similar situation. Ex just got distant and wouldn't even talk to me after nearly 20yrs of a seemingly great marriage. Best friends, could finish his sentences and thoughts...or so I thought....When I realized he wasn't coming home no matter how I pleaded or begged or tried to get him to at least say good bye and why??? He only clammed up more. VERY HURTFUL and so weird. So I filed for seperation. During said seperation which initially was my bluff to get him to talk to me, which failed, I discovered a laptop he thought was ruined and left behind. I had a computer tech go thru the laptop just for curiousity. Never checked up on him before mind you...<br />
I was horrified at what was revealed. For almost half my marriage he had been a sex addict. Men, Women, transvestites, transexuals, couples, bdsm....ANYTHING feakish sexually he was doing....even downloading child content. <br />
Needless to say then I WAS FURIOUS and filed for real to divorce and had to proceed. He went as far and foul as to marry another woman while married to me I found out through his brothers obituary. WOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW<br />
I still to this very day cannot even begin to process what this man did. He had the nerve to be FURIOUS at me that I retrieved info off the laptop!!! OMG! If I had not done it I WOULD STILLLLLLLL have not a clue what happened as he would never tell me. No fights- nothing. He was just really ate up by the sexual addiction.<br />
So yes- there is something going on- you will find out as time tells lots later. I am so very sorry this betrayal hurts so badly and ANYONE has ever had to endure this as it is shattering. Please know it isn't most likely about you. He is truly going through something.

As a guy, I'll give you my opinion: He's going through something which he himself doesn't understand. It's like manic depression......"I know what I want, but, I just don't know?" To make a decision as fast as he did? Doesn't make sense; does it? Guys go through mid-life crap at different ages. Believe me. I know. It's gonna be up to you whether you want to give him time or not.. It will make or break him.....

There is nothing worse than the pain of divorce and losing someone you love. Are there children?<br />
Are you sure he wasn't asking for something from you that you just were not able to give?<br />
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I left my marriage after 12 years. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, as I still truly loved my husband with all my heart. But I was married to someone who could not be intimate with me. Sexually, emotionally or physically. <br />
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Please consider all possibilities for your husbands sudden check-out. I suggest some therapy on your own to get you thru this difficult time. Hopefully you have a supportive friend and family base.<br />
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Wishing you the best.

Stronger, I am so sorry your going through this! I know how hard it is not answering his calls and his texts. Keep yourself busy, change your cell number (i know what your thinking, you want to leave everything in place because you want him back).<br />
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Did he give you any reasons? <br />
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For him to give up so easily on your marriage doesnt say much for him, I cant understand why he didnt talk to you and open up. <br />
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IM here if you need a friend to talk to and vent to - Stay strong -

I was the leaver in my marriage, but I can tell you that there are some great books that will help you understand the emotional process you are going through, and help you think of ways to cope successfully with what's coming around the corner. Best of luck. It's not an easy road, but it's for sure better than spending your time on Earth with someone that doesn't really, truly love you.