Please Help How Do I Let Go?

Ok this is going to be a long one...I have been married for 22 years and have three children with this man. I never dated anyone else just him. He left about two years ago to take a job in another town because he lost his job were we live and all I felt was complete relief. My daughters and I were happier more relaxed, so I am so confused...when he came home I was straight up a ***** to him I did not want him here and yes I treated him ugly. I know that he loves me but I dont feel the same way I have told him many times that I am done and then I second guess myself in the same second because what if I disappoint someone....OMG I keep flip flopping back and forth like a dying fish. I believe that part of this is because when I tell him I want out he threatens to kill himself he has told me I took away his whole life and what did he do to deserve to be treated like this. I have no answers I just know that when I think about having to stay with him I get sick I can't breathe or think and the fighting is horrible all the time he constantly wants to know what decision I have made am I going or staying. He tells me i know we can be happy if you just give me another chance he says I never gave him any chances to change. When he gets mad about this situation he calls me names like a **** ***** ***** that I am ******* all my girlfriends it just wears me down until I tell him fine we will do it your way and then I feel like I have no life left in me and I seriously think about driving my car into traffic!!! He is now willing to go to counseling but I no longer want to I just want to walk away but God I am so scared!!! Please help I am so confused and scared I don't know what to do I seriously think about just taking my daughter and getting in the car and leaving and yes I can support her and me so I don't know what is stopping me I know that I am making myself seriously ill I have lost over 30 to 40 pounds in the last year because of this and I can't sleep I can't focus at work I can't talk to my parents because my mom is an alcoholic and my dad told him that us women are just crazy wanting to be validated and don't know what we have when we got it basically to that extent.
icarryscars icarryscars
36-40, F
3 Responses Aug 4, 2010

I realize I am months late at responding to this post but I feel compelled to respond anyway. My father threatened suicide when my mom wanted to leave him. There was saying taught to me and my mother by a psychologist and I live by this saying ever since. That is you are not responsible for someone elses happiness. You are also not responsible for someone else choices. If they chose to take a to permanent solution to a temperary problem it is thier choice. I hope you have gotten out of such a verbally abusive relationship and I wish you all the best.

I recommend that you seek individual therapy. There might be more inner turmoil that you are suppressing. <br />
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It sounds like you are a bit conflicted with your emotions. The question you ask in your opening title is peculiar in the context of your post. Your post suggests that you do not love your husband. As such, I would expect it to be easy for yourself to let go by splitting up.

If you don't love him, set him free so he can find someone who does. He does deserve to have love in his life.