I Am So Lost...

Even though I am sure that all of you will read my story and think badly of me I must have somewhere to let out all of the pain and hurt inside me. I have no one to talk to to...no friends and the pain is overwhelming. One would think I should not be the one in pain after all I am the one seeking the divorce and it is my actions that have led to this moment.

I have been married for 20 years. My wife is the kind of woman that everyone loves. She is warm and vibrent and loves everyone and everyone who meets her fall in love with her. She just has one of those personalities and she is physically beautiful as well. I on the other hand and plain to put it nicely and many woman think I am ugly. I am shy, and quiet and my wife says she feel in love with me because I showed her I was interested in her for what she is on the inside. The problem as been that what you see in public is what I get in private...the exact same level of intamacy. She doesn't share or open up beyond that woman who can warmly talk all day about the weather. She is always there accross the room and never next to me....holding me.

As you can imagine I grew more depressed, lonily and unhappy so five years ago I tried to leave her. Everyone was against our spliting up after all we were the perfect couple and she was the perfect wife. Everyone worked hard to help her get me back. While we were seperated something happened. I met a wonderful woman who came on to me, and made it clear she wanted me and not just for now but forever. It was complicated as she was married too, but it seems like I had a real chance at happiness. I did not say no and it was everything I ever hoped love could be.

As soon as I got my own place my friends showed up with my wife and all her stuff and moved her in. I had not strength left to fight it anymore and give up. We got back together, but I continued my relationship with the other woman even though she was hurt by what happened. So my life continued like this until a few months ago. I was offtered a job in a nearby city. I did not go looking for this job it just came to me, and it was a lot more money and everyone said I was foolish if I didn't take it including the other woman. I did not want the job but I took it anyway.

The other woman was crying when I left for the new job saying I was leaving her, but in my mind I wasn't but really I did. I have been more unhappy now then ever as this woman is now mostly out of my life and my wife couldn't be happier. But it is not what I want and it was a case of I simply gave into the wishes of others.

I have decided that I need to leave me wife and go back to my home town. The other woman still wants me but at arms length and my wife is begging me to stay. The papers came from the lawyer yesterday and my wife has been crying histically every since. I feel like my heart is being ripped from my chest to see the pain I am causing her and for what. I hope that I might one day have the happiness I crave.

It does not really matter if tthe other woman and I end up together but I do have to try and build a life I can be happy with. Yet I still feel like I have no right to ask this...no right to selfishly pursue my own wants and desires. The pain I am in seems to know no limits yet I still feel like divorce is my best chance for happiness, but i don't want to hurt anybody....yet I seem to always hurt everybody...I just don't know anymore...I just am so lost...
hrafnkelfreysgodi hrafnkelfreysgodi
41-45, M
7 Responses Nov 19, 2010

lets see today i've not had supper...... i need a girl to take care of me....i'm sure you've had something... oh and she may even be warming your bed tonight.... i don't remember the last time i had a woman in my bed..... my bedroom looks a mess and tomorrow is monday.... shouldn't i be in bed right now? tommorrow is monday.......its.....0129.... oh heaven today is going to be hell!!!!!

My opinion, I have spent most of my life doing what others wanted me to do because I didn't want to upset or hurt them. You only hurt yourself and become very misserable. You cannot please everyone, but you do need to figure things out for yourself. Who you are, what you really want, why do you want it and so forth. I am in the process of getting a divorce, becomes final January 4th. I have not felt love from this man in quite some time and we were married for 20 years. For the past 2 months I have been working on my issues and doing what I enjoy doing. Everyone wants happiness, but you also have to remember that life is not a fairytale. Any relationship takes work from both parties involved. At the begging of every relationship is bliss, sometimes when that wears off you are left with the work of the relationship. Some people only want to feel the bliss, infatuation part of the relationship, not the work of a real relationship. <br />
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If you are going to get a divorce from your wife then do it not for the other woman, but for your happiness and well being. Feeling lonely and depressed is not good for your health, you can literally make yourself sick. I would not however go searching to have a relationship with anyone until you have figured you out and worked through your issues. If you continue down the road of wanting to just jump into another relationship you might find other issues arise as the relationship continues. I recommend dealing with everything now, then after the divorce and issues are worked through, if the woman still wants a relationship with you persue it. <br />
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Just remember you cannot please everyone and only you can make you happy don't look to be completed by someone else.

dude be fair please.... really what are your reasons for wanting to leave her? oh she cares for me too much. give me your wife and i'll be happy. a good woman a greater and better job so that you can be witha married woman. has she even told her husband about you?

I think you need to make a decision and stick to it. Sounds like you go wherever the wind takes you. You are causing yourself and others pain by your lack of resolve. I agree with the above comment. Spend some time alone and discover who you are and what you want for your life. Do some personal growth work. I did that after my marriage ended and it made a huge difference. If you really are just trying to make others happy (which I doubt you are), I don't think your actions are aligned with that ob<x>jective. You are causing others long term pain by your actions. Your wife will thank you later. No one ultimately wants to be with someone who doesn't love them.

I do not think you are a bad guy. In fact, it sounds like your wife is a horrible person for refusing to share intimacy with you and making you suffer loneliness. <br />
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Dump your dishonest unloving wife and go 100% for the other woman who loves you.

Maybe you need to just seperate from everyone and figure out who you are and what you want. Don't go from one woman to another, that just complicates things, be alone for a little while and figure things out. Your wife sounds like she'd be ok without you and you already left the other woman so don't stir that up again. Stay where you are and figure out what is best for you. It's ok to be selfish. Everyone deserves to be happy. And once your head is clear and you decide what you want, pursue it and don't look back.

i feel it is your nature to interpret everything as your fault and take responsibility and live according to others' wishes that is the root of all problems. You should first have a long look at yourself and analyse your true purpose of life. You need to shatter your sense of poor self worth, then others will treat you better. You will be able to demonstrate your needs better, and your wife will acknowledge them, if she has enough human ness in her.<br />
Good luck to you