I Am So Lost...Even though I am sure that all of you will read my story and think badly of me I must have somewhere to let out all of the pain and hurt inside me. I have no one to talk to to...no friends and the pain is overwhelming. One would think I should not be the one in pain after all I am the one seeking the divorce and it is my actions that have led to this moment.
I have been married for 20 years. My wife is the kind of woman that everyone loves. She is warm and vibrent and loves everyone and everyone who meets her fall in love with her. She just has one of those personalities and she is physically beautiful as well. I on the other hand and plain to put it nicely and many woman think I am ugly. I am shy, and quiet and my wife says she feel in love with me because I showed her I was interested in her for what she is on the inside. The problem as been that what you see in public is what I get in private...the exact same level of intamacy. She doesn't share or open up beyond that woman who can warmly talk all day about the weather. She is always there accross the room and never next to me....holding me.
As you can imagine I grew more depressed, lonily and unhappy so five years ago I tried to leave her. Everyone was against our spliting up after all we were the perfect couple and she was the perfect wife. Everyone worked hard to help her get me back. While we were seperated something happened. I met a wonderful woman who came on to me, and made it clear she wanted me and not just for now but forever. It was complicated as she was married too, but it seems like I had a real chance at happiness. I did not say no and it was everything I ever hoped love could be.
As soon as I got my own place my friends showed up with my wife and all her stuff and moved her in. I had not strength left to fight it anymore and give up. We got back together, but I continued my relationship with the other woman even though she was hurt by what happened. So my life continued like this until a few months ago. I was offtered a job in a nearby city. I did not go looking for this job it just came to me, and it was a lot more money and everyone said I was foolish if I didn't take it including the other woman. I did not want the job but I took it anyway.
The other woman was crying when I left for the new job saying I was leaving her, but in my mind I wasn't but really I did. I have been more unhappy now then ever as this woman is now mostly out of my life and my wife couldn't be happier. But it is not what I want and it was a case of I simply gave into the wishes of others.
I have decided that I need to leave me wife and go back to my home town. The other woman still wants me but at arms length and my wife is begging me to stay. The papers came from the lawyer yesterday and my wife has been crying histically every since. I feel like my heart is being ripped from my chest to see the pain I am causing her and for what. I hope that I might one day have the happiness I crave.
It does not really matter if tthe other woman and I end up together but I do have to try and build a life I can be happy with. Yet I still feel like I have no right to ask this...no right to selfishly pursue my own wants and desires. The pain I am in seems to know no limits yet I still feel like divorce is my best chance for happiness, but i don't want to hurt anybody....yet I seem to always hurt everybody...I just don't know anymore...I just am so lost...
hrafnkelfreysgodi 41-45, M 7 Responses 0 Nov 19, 2010