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Leaving A Good Man

I know I am giving up what some people would kill for. To set the stage, know that I was in a bad marriage, starting at age 19, for 9 years and had 2 children. My ex-husband had multiple affairs, was verbally abusive, and had become physically abusive, so I finally left and took my children. A year later I met a very wonderful man. He was good to me, but physically we lacked chemistry. I knew that he would treat me well, and decided maybe that part wasn't a big deal. Over all we got along well. We lived in a fairly small town and I worked, but stayed home after we had our own children. I was a good wife and mother, cooked, cleaned, and did all the things I was supposed to do. Then we moved to a big city so that he could follow his career. It was more expensive there and I felt trapped. I was home and didn't know anybody and we couldn't afford to do anything. I finally was able to get a job working for a company doing just data entry that I did from home. It eased the financial trouble but took a lot of time and I still missed the interaction with other people. I began to move up in the company and was asked to do some travel. I loved it! I continued to receive promotions and take on more responsibility. I never imagined I could ever have a real career and do something I could be proud of, and I not only found one, but loved the work. After our move, my oldest son did not handle the move well. He began getting in trouble and he and my husband clashed. Between loving the work, it felt good to get away. When I was away, all I had to be was the job, but when I went home, I had fights between my son and husband going on, as well as 3 other children needing things from me. I had always been submissive and tried to do what everybody expected of me, but it was like something snapped and I didn't feel I could just sit and let things happen the way they were. I took some initiative to get my son some help against my husband's wishes. His advice was to kick him out and let him figure it out. My son is now in the military and doing well, but only because I went against my husband's advice. That began to deepen the rift between us. He later asked me to quit my job, but I refused. I know this was tough on my kids for me being gone so much, but I also know they were lucky they did and do have a wonderful father. I was home on the weekends and would make sure everything was set up for them for the week and would take each of them on special dates to spend some time together. I eventually did choose to quit that job but knew I loved the industry and didn't want to give up my work. I chose to start my own company. It has been hard, and my husband has tried to be supportive.
So, that is the full background.... now, the company is just starting to prosper and I have signed some deals that mean I will have to do some travel again. My husband said he can't go back to that, and I told him that I just don't love him anymore and that we have struggled to make it work for the last 3 years. I just feel I need my own life. I have never been really on my own and finally feel strong enough. The worst part is that I do feel guilty. I don't want to hurt my children or husband, but I know I am. The older kids have been supportive and want me to be happy. My younger children are 6 & 8. I talked to my oldest daughter, 16, and said maybe I should stay until they are grown, and she told me that was crazy. That is a long time to be with somebody you don't love and that the kids were going to be fine. My husband is so angry with me and says I am being selfish and putting everybody at risk for my own selfish desires. I guess I am looking for somebody who may have a similar experience and can tell me how things worked out for them.
stephaniecl35 stephaniecl35 41-45 9 Responses Jan 30, 2011

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My wife of 10 years told me she just did not love me anymore. She said it wasn't anything I had done, she just felt trapped and was not living the life she had always wanted. She felt she had settled. Two children, boy and girl, 10 and 7. She filed for divorce and it was finalized 6 months ago. She got the family house, custody of our children, child support and I must maintain all their insurance policies. I get to have my children every other weekend from 9:00am Sat to 6:00pm Sun. Choose your mate wisely my friends, date a long time, the pain you avoid could be your own! Don't look back, don't EVER look back! Still a great Dad 50 weekends a year!!! Karma, if your listening, you owe me one- preferably tall, slender, compassionate, loyal, and most importantly "batshit crazy about me"!

Read or see "The Bridges of Madison County." I, too, divorced a good man, but that was because he was under the mind control of his mother. I do not blame him because I was under her control for a while so I know how powerful it can be. I had to get out because her ways were occult and I have a strong faith in God. But had it not been for her, we would have had the best marriage ever. I do not believe that you do not love him. I think you do but it's just in a low phase. If you can find what you initially fell in love with in him, then you will understand and appreciate the depth, richness, and the gift of lifelong love. Through thick Nd thin. Right now, you are thin, do you see? These are just my thoughts. We all have our own path.

I am sorry for you, but, SNAP OUT OF IT!!!. If you think the grass is greener.... try a separation. It could get a whole lot tuffer on you soon, You will age. Your shelf life will dawn on you then. There are so many resentful bastards out there that will come on charming, then turn into someone else in six months. Take your time here.

Hello, Im so sorry to hear your story. I am going through something very similiar, and its the hardest thing i have ever done. I have a Beautiful 3year old little girl and my husband of 4 years soon to be x husband was a very good man he loved me took care of me etc except for he was always mean to other people, I was the only one he honestly liked or loved, and yes i loved being taken care of and loved because i had never had that before Ever! but i always felt something just wasnt there. The true connection you need when you are supposed to be with this person for the rest of your life, but we never really had that physical chemistry and i tried my best to find it and tell myself it would come in time and it never really did. We were so different in every way so i decided to leave. I have never in my life felt this kind of guilt before and its hard to move on with my life knowing how i hurt someone like this, but it wasnt fair to him or me to stay.. Im lost too!

I wrote this story as I was going through my divorce. I have since finalized my divorce. I know everybody's situation is different and I don't want to tell you what is right for you, but I can tell you where I am now. First off, let me say, I worked very hard to make sure my husband did not have anything extra to fight with me about. I took only what I needed to survive. I chose to leave and didn't feel he should be hurt any more than he was. We share custody of our children and chose to try to limit the damage that would do to them. I made various concessions in the beginning until he was ready to work with me there. Since then, we are on friendly terms and we discuss anything that needs to be done with the children in a very friendly manner. The kids didn't see us fight and we support each other to the kids. <br />
People I have known for years have told me I look happier now than they have ever seen. I had somebody tell me that even though I was always friendly and outgoing, they could see hurt eyes. I had no idea that ever came across because it was even before I realized it. Now people are telling me my eyes are happy and I seem less stressed than ever. My children have adjusted well and we have had no behavior problems. They want their parents together but have also accepted that we don't love each other. I don't believe in staying together until the kids are grown. I think if you can do it amicably that they adjust and can see that you have done what is needed for your own happiness. I have now established a career that I love, but realized that I threw myself into the career to escape home. It is now not as important to be there since I am comfortable going home. I have become a better mother and probably spend more time with them now. <br />
I don't recommend leaving at all if you are not comfortable being alone. You will jump right back into the same situation. For the first time in my life, I am not needy of a relationship and love doing things with friends and taking time to get to know myself better. I wish all of you the best of luck in whatever decision you make. There is no "right" answer, it is your decision and you have to decide what you can live with. People will take sides if you leave and you have to be prepared to lose some "friends" in that process also. Thank you all for letting me know that I am not alone in my feelings also.

Funny, but I joined this group to find people like me to make myself feel better. Why? Because I too feel extremely guilty for wanting to leave/divorce my husband who is a perfectly good man. Your story is exactly what I was looking for, I too feel very guilty because I am finally putting myself first.<br />
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I have asked for a divorce from him now at least four times this year. Each time he plays on my guilt of what I would be doing to our family. He doesn't seem to understand how unhappy I am. I give him credit for trying his best to work on our relationship and stay positive, but he is actually making me feel imprisoned and controlled.<br />
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We have 2 young children together, 5 and 7. I was working a job that kept me away from them a lot and when I was home I was not myself (grumpy and tired). My husband just recently started his own business, so this is a big reason why I worked to maintain our lifestyle. After I asked him for a divorce, he finally (after 5 years) realized that I was exhausted with my work and hated it and hated him for not helping out. We attempted to fix things, I quit my job and we moved. Things are still the same though. We have tried counseling, but if I am honest with myself........ I just want out. I have had a lot of time to think about our lives together (married 10 years) since I have not had to work so much and I feel if I was more honest with myself in the beginning, I would have never married him. He is a nice guy, but there is no chemistry between us. I was worried that I would never find "the one" and I settled on the best one that I thought that I could get.<br />
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Now I am trying to justify to myself that if I go through with this divorce, I have a valid reason and that I didn't just give up.<br />
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Somedays I think it would be easier just being on my own.

Funny, but I joined this group to find people like me to make myself feel better. Why? Because I too feel extremely guilty for wanting to leave/divorce my husband who is a perfectly good man. Your story is exactly what I was looking for, I too feel very guilty because I am finally putting myself first.<br />
<br />
I have asked for a divorce from him now at least four times this year. Each time he plays on my guilt of what I would be doing to our family. He doesn't seem to understand how unhappy I am. I give him credit for trying his best to work on our relationship and stay positive, but he is actually making me feel imprisoned and controlled.<br />
<br />
We have 2 young children together, 5 and 7. I was working a job that kept me away from them a lot and when I was home I was not myself (grumpy and tired). My husband just recently started his own business, so this is a big reason why I worked to maintain our lifestyle. After I asked him for a divorce, he finally (after 5 years) realized that I was exhausted with my work and hated it and hated him for not helping out. We attempted to fix things, I quit my job and we moved. Things are still the same though. We have tried counseling, but if I am honest with myself........ I just want out. I have had a lot of time to think about our lives together (married 10 years) since I have not had to work so much and I feel if I was more honest with myself in the beginning, I would have never married him. He is a nice guy, but there is no chemistry between us. I was worried that I would never find "the one" and I settled on the best one that I thought that I could get.<br />
<br />
Now I am trying to justify to myself that if I go through with this divorce, I have a valid reason and that I didn't just give up.<br />
<br />
Somedays I think it would be easier just being on my own.

Your life is going to look like the choices you make and where you choose to invest. if you invest in your family and your children and delay your business, your life in the long run will be richer in love and family and your business will be skinny until you have the time to grow it.<br />
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If you invest in your business instead, then your love and family life will be leaner and you will have less in that area, and a good fluorishing business. So it comes down to your value set and what you want. You do reap it in the long run though so don't take it lightly. It sucks but we really can't 'have it all' in life :(

I'm struggling with something similar. <br />
To most people, my husband would appear to be a good man. He loves me and loves his kids and although he has been "checked out" for many years, through the last 4 months or marriage counseling he has seen the problems he has created and taken steps to fix them. <br />
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The problem is that I just don't love him anymore. I want a partner and compainion, not another kid to take care of. But I'm always lead my life feeling the need to take care of everyone else. <br />
It is very, very hard to put myself and my needs first. <br />
My kids are 11 & 14. They know we are going through some stuff right now and might not stay together. I considered staying until they were out of the house, but am coming to the conclusion this may not be the best thing for them. <br />
I don't want them to think the kind of marriage I have, the kind of husband he is, and the kind of father he has been ... is acceptable. I want more for them. And I want them to be able to know that they have choices in life. <br />
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If I had made a better choice up front (I also settled for something less than what I wanted because I had, had my heart broken before and didn't want to risk it again), I wouldn't be here. <br />
That was God's plan for me then, because my two amazing children came from it. But it isn't necessarily his plan for me now. <br />
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Be careful not to let the blessings God has given you stand in the way of you taking the risk necessary to achieve God's dreams for you.

I'm pretty sure "Gods Blessings" were given to you and your husband while bound by love in the sanctity of marriage. Your dreams for your life have been miss interpreted by you as God's dreams for you. I bet you didn't feel this way when you dragged him down the aisle all those years ago. You women are so selfish. I hope your children will one day forgive you for your selfish acts and the heartbreak and irreversible damages you've caused them in their lives.