I Need Help!!!! I Am Separated And Depressed. Here Is My Story...

I have been separated for a few weeks now and I am so depressed, sad and without any energies to go on with my life. I married what I thought was the love of my life after being dating for approx 5 years. He and I went to the same church and thus shared the same religious believes. During our courtship there were signs that marriage wasn't our best option. He had a DWI, had been to jail for beating up a friend, had filed for bankruptcy all of these things before he was 26 years old. When we were engaged he cheated on me and never told me, the only reason why he had to confess was because he thought he had got an STD from the girl he cheated with but it ended up being a urine track infection. From the beginning our marriage had problems, my husband didn't want to spend time together always running to his friends and spending days with them. He never wanted to talk about our problems and always used the excuse that he was tired. He always traveled for work and was away 6-7 months of the year, he would come see me approx once a month and would stay for a whole week. Because he was always away he used the excuse that he didn't want to talk about problems because he is rarely home so we never fought or talked about problems because I wanted to enjoy the little time we spent together. Well it was like this for 3 years. Besides that he is an alcoholic who would often and by often I mean 2-3 times a month he would disappear for days without picking up his phone or calling me. He would come back home saying that he was just having fun with his friends. He did this quite often until the last day we were together we had movie plans that evening and he disappeared even when he was away at work and would come to visit me he would dissapear and would only spend a few days with me. He always said he was with his friends and I believe him but it killed me everytime he did it. I was always worried he got into an accident because he was drunk driving or something happened to him. These feelings would turn into anger when he would come home a couple iof days later, drunk and saying he was with his friends.
I eventually cheated on him twice and that is why he left me. I did it out of anger because I do not even talk to the man I did it with nor do I ever want to have a relationship with him but I know I did wrong.
It has been a few weeks and I feel so sad and depressed. I feel like I want to get back with my husband and sort things out. I feel alone and I feel like the worst person in the world. I am already struggling financially. After I confessed to him that I was unfaithful he went crazy and slept with someone else that week, and then he left bad and was calling me and my family begging him to reconsider our separation and he wanted to start fresh, I said no because the marriage was completely broken. Now he is again working out of town and tells me he doesnt want me and he is having fun sleeping around. I don't feel bad that he sleeps around, but I do miss him and I am deeply depressed.
Is this normal? Should I ask him to reconsider? Why am I so sad and depressed? Like I am not sad he is sleeping around, I am just sad because I lost him. PLEASE HELP
moniks moniks
26-30, F
4 Responses Aug 19, 2011

I am going through this too. However, I have been separated for over a year, hoping he would change. He battles addictions and everything. It is scary thinking you really know someone and then you wake and realize you don't. I understand, I am so sorry. It really sucks and will for a while. It has been a year and it still hurts and I wish I could save it, but I can't. I miss having someone to rely on and having a companion all the time. I don't necessarily miss him. Someone told me," You don't win either way when you get a divorce." It's true, when you want a family and it to work so bad, you lose in the end. At least for the time being, but you will find something better. Someone who will treat you how you deserve and you deserve more!! And you will find someone who will try for you! Good luck and if you need anyone to talk to, you can message me anytime!

I agree with most that is said above. You are missing what once was and thinking of your furture without that person but seem to ignore what went on in the marriage. One good thing in this is that no children are involved which make this easier. I think you know in your heart, this isn't the person you want to spend your life with. It is a big part of your life to walk away from but you need to be strong and walk. In time, you will find that someone special and never look back. My wife is divorceing mt and there is a child involved, that makes it very hard for me to cope, stay strong and look to the fututr. I will also miss the good times I had with my wife and there were many, but I know the marriage is over and I don't want to be with her anymore. No happy memories will change my thinking. I am young enough to love again and so are you. You have both been unfaithful and you both need to be single and sort your lives out. He may have been unfaithful first and many times but you did the same. When you are emotionally strong again and ready to honour wedding vowels, start again.<br />
The very best of luck to you.

i agree with all of the above advice. And I just want to say that I totally know what you're going through. Even though my husband was always physically present in our relationship, due to having no job, i felt that he was never really emotionally invested in the marriage. It was like "ok we're married, now that's it." no, i'm sorry, it doesnt work like that. I can't believe he had all those problems before you were married, all before the age of 26, and you felt that it was OK to marry him and tie yourself into all those problems.<br />
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emotionally, I know you're a wreck. for weeks I cried at night, cause I was alone. 5 years, and I never never really slept alone, I was devistated. I was alone. I had no idea what to do. What I can tell you is that it does get better. It's work, don't get me wrong, but you can pull this. If you've already told him that you don't want to get back together, than stick to your guns. Marriage counseling will not work if he's a sociopath like it sounds like he is. <br />
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remember. you are a strong and capable woman. you can do this. you will not be alone forever. lean on your friends and family for support, and us here of course. you can do this. my final advice, get this divorce done as soon as possible. he strikes me as the type that will take out a credit card in both your names and then stick you with the $1300 bar tab at the end of the marriage. get it done and get it done now. good luck.

I'll echo the above advise,but go on to say that from the actions of your so called husband he is not ready to commit to you or any one,marraige either via religious or civil is a partnership for both and if one,your husband,not wanting it then the partnership needs to be desolved.YOU are not to blame he committed sins ,ie drinking and womanising,yes you did it and he used it as excuse to get out.<br />
You are still young put it down to experience,get councilling and lawyer to sort out emotional,legal and financial requirements give it a while and some one who cares for you will come along.<br />
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Hugs to you,and if you need a friend you have one all you need is to friend me