The House Feels Different

I had lived alone for a long time in the marriage. Sometimes he just left for no reason. Sometimes he left because of some reason he had. Lately it had been for work. And now, it is obvious we are trying to stay civil by not being around each other.

A lot of things are coming to a head. The next baby we planned on having in three years. Things we talked about. Our good past. But our toxic past is much heavier, much more of a concern, and a deal breaker. No amount of forgiveness could mend what was broken. Nothing could take back why he has reasons not to hold me when I am sad.

He gets upset because he spent all these years lying and trying to change me. So now he is telling the truth (that I knew all along) and accepting me for who I always was. He is saying that the person I am now is who he fell in love with. And now, we can't turn back.

I ended up falling in love with someone else during our separation. Very fast and very hard. He pulled away and is pretty much done with me. I spent the whole build up of our brief romance unable to get him out of my head. And when we talked in person and hung out, it was better than I could have ever expected.

Being in the house alone would have been much easier if I wasn't getting over someone else. I had been alone before. And I was fine. But now, I feel very very lonely. I knew it. I very well knew this was going to end in tears. I told myself the whole time it was not going to work out. But my heart kept on. It wouldn't stop no matter how far away I was, how much I tried to ignore him. And even I thought, sure, I'll get close to him and realize he's not all that great and be over it. My hormones or something stupid in my head is not letting me think straight because when I see him, I just want to be around him. Like a spell was cast on me. He brought the best out of me artistically, emotionally...everything was colored brighter and felt better.

So now I am getting the backlash of the fun I had. More than that. All the trauma and pain that surrounded everything I did to be around him. He just decides to push me away. It stings a lot.

I had been in such an emotionally draining, apathetic, painful marraige to someone who now admits how much hate he had for me. My ex-husband spent all last night apologizing for how much he blamed me for that was not my fault. How much jealousy he had. How he hurt me repeatedly over and over again.

I just...wanted to feel something that resembled love. Kindness. Affection. Someone who didn't resent me almost all hours of the day.

I am hurting so bad right now. And I have to go over some separation details. I mean, as I go along the divorce is getting easier. We are in more of an agreement that this is a good thing.

This house feels like I live here alone actually. I feel more comfortable than I thought I would surprisingly. But it is the fact that I have a broken heart from someone else that is really screwed up. I cannot believe beyond my normal better judgment that I would be so STUPID to fall for someone. I didn't intend on it. I didn't mean to. I didn't think anything would happen. We just both are artists and just met up for whatever reason as an art trade. And this happened. And it hurts me so bad. It really hurts.

I spent these weeks trying to avoid him. Trying to stop before I fell in love with him. Walking away. Cutting myself off. But I found our paths crossing anyway. I found myself in my old hometown where family was and he was there. And I tried even then. I didn't try hard enough? I just knew it was going to hurt but I did it anyway.

You know why? Because I always knew it would have been worth it. To feel what I briefly felt. To feel again. To know the possibility of love ever happening since it was absent from my marriage.

I am normally not this...ridiculous. But it was love. It really was love. I loved his mind, his interests, what he was about, his faults, his quirks, all of it. It was strange to completely let someone in like that.

Now I am back to the banality of the divorce process. Business as usual. We call. We chat over details. We talk about the kids. Apologies. I am sorry for this and that. More talking about stuff...What is pretty certain is that there is a liberation I feel. Because there was a routine with how much my ex-husband never appreciated me when we were married and always saw me as who I was when we were trying to divorce before.

If anything, I am thankful for the person I fell in love with. Because I could very well be back in the same routine of reconciling only to find my ex-husband quiting on me again or making me try to change for him again. Which I won't do, so we argue, then get the divorce papers out again.

This may be painful. But it is getting me off that repetative nightmare ride with my ex.
Tekkamaki Tekkamaki
Sep 27, 2011