When Does The Sadness End?

My husband (of 9 years) and I have been separated for over a year now, and our divorce should be finalized soon. I am the one who left, because I was lied to, disrespected repeatedly, and he did not want to have sex with me. There was one instance of physical abuse as well. His gambling was his life, and after all that energy he put into it, he didn't have any much for me or the marriage. We tried counseling a few times and I stuck around for 4 years trying to resuscitate the marriage on my own but he is awful at communicating and does not understand that it takes effort in working on the marriage. He's a really nice guy, but just too passive. He says I'm welcome to come back to our marital home (where he is staying) anytime. I know he misses me, but I know he will not change. I know it's best for me to be without him, so why do I still get sad?

I get sad when I see couples or families happily going about their business... when my married friends announce that they are buying a new home, or having their first child. Yesterday I went shopping for a baby shower gift and was fighting back tears the whole time.
That was supposed to be me and my ex. I had so many dreams and plans, and I pictured all of them with him. It makes me sad to think that he might have other women in the house that we built for our future family, using my kitchen where I would lovingly make our meals, and makes me even more sad to think that he might treat another woman a lot better than he treated me, when I gave him everything I had. We were married when I was 21, and I was there for him before he had a steady job, and encouraged his success. I've been with him all through my 20's, the only steady relationship I have ever had, and now I'm all alone.

I've dated here and there, and even the communication, emotional, and physical connections are usually much easier than they were with my ex. But I always find some flaw in the guy before I get close and end it.

Is it unreasonable to still be sad after years of being miserable and almost 18 months of being separated? Will I ever find happiness again?
borntoblossom borntoblossom
31-35, F
4 Responses Oct 1, 2011

I encourage you to seek personal counselling for yourself. You are currently moving forward but looking over your shoulder at the past all the time . . . This means you will fail to see opportunities for personal growth, for happiness and for a much better future. Personal counselling with a wise counselor who is "on your wave length" will provide you with much insight into yourself and your own behaviour. Armed with this, you CAN plan a much happier future for yourself.

Thanks for the words of wisdom, snowbunny, and ky. It is hard to adjust after 18 years, just finding myself again. I too see couples walking along holding hands and wonder why not me? I get sad. I’ve moved out just 2 weeks ago. I know it was the right choice. My wife became unbearable. Life goes on. I tried my best for the past 5 years, I have no regrets that I did not turn over every stone.<br />
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Hang in there borntoblossom. Sometimes it is sad. But it sound like you are on the right path. I’ve been told that too, but I believe things do get better.<br />
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You will find happiness again.

Even though you chose to leave and it was your choice its still a loss and its still a grieving process that you need to go through in order to heal. You answered your own question. It's the loss of all the dreams you had, your identity and the things you used to know. Here you are and your whole world is changed. So where do you go from here? Well you start to create a new life, you find yourself again, maybe take up a new hobby, find something that makes you feel good, you get to know who you are and forgive yourself. You are not responsible for your husbands actions, you did everything you could but you can't fix him and you can't carry the whole marriage. Noone can. So you start over and you create a new life for yourself. It takes time, you will have bad days and that's ok, but you keep moving forward. Once you do those things you will feel so much better and stronger. It's time to celebrate you, get to know you, forgive yourself, and take advantage of this new start in your life to finally do the things you have always wanted and do them right. <br />
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I left my marriage of 13 years, a little over two years ago. It takes time, it doesn't happen overnight. Have faith and keep working at it. Its still not perfect for me but its still so much better then what I had in my marriage and I am happy, proud and independent for the first time in my entire life. Trust me it can be done, it just takes a time, patience and perseverance.

I know exactly how you feel!!! It will get better, when it happened to me everybody told me that and I never believed them but it does!!! When this happened to me I felt really stuck and lost, I too compared every guy I met to my ex. I finally took a class call PSI Basic and that really got me moving forward...I think one of the most important things to do is forgive him for what he did and realize that you deserve better. I couldnt let go either, but when I finally stopped being angry and forgave him and myself and took that step forward everything just got better...just realize that there are things that you cant control, like how long it takes to get over someone, but you can control things like comparing him to other guys and thinking about what was supposed to be your life with him...your feelings for him will fade and the saddness will one day just be a memory and you will realize that you are better off without him! Good luck!

But how do you get to that point where your no longer angry and you can forgive, my ex wife has been in my thought from the time I wake until I fall asleep. It been 15 months and the hurt is still there even knowing I'm better off without her abusive,controling ways. The pain is deep.