I Grew A Pair!

Friday night, he asked me to join him for dinner at our favorite restaurant. He was already there when I arrived, sad puppy face in place. I got a beer and sat down with him to wait for our table. He started in immediately..."your mom is still coming over for Easter, right?" I mumbled something. I grabbed my beer for a drink, angry that I'd given yet another enabling answer.

I took off my wedding rings over a month ago, to see what it felt like. As I picked up my beer, for the first time, he noticed this. "Where's your bling?" he asked. I mumbled something about them no longer fitting because of the weight I've lost which is true, btw and yet so very enabling. More frustration set in. He says, "why don't we go to the jeweler tomorrow and get them resized?"

That did it. That was the wake-up call I needed.

"Dear, I'm leaving you. We are done. There is no need whatsoever to resize those rings." Wow...I could feel the stress leaving my body. He had the audacity to say, "do you know what you're saying?" I took a deep breath and repeated myself.

So much for dinner. He suggested we go home. Once at home, he adopted a demeanor I wasn't prepared for. He was cooperative. Overly cooperative. He showed me all of the financials spreadsheets. We talked about the lawyer I found. He agreed I could hire the lawyer, and that this one lawyer could handle the entire divorce. We talked about who is living where. Who would get the dog.

He said he was proud of me, and that my conviction impressed him. We were even joking a bit by the end of the night.

Until he's actually out, I'm still at code orange.

In the meantime, we're in separate bedrooms. I have made it clear we are now roommates only, and that he should buy his own groceries, do his own laundry, etc.

I told my mom today. She was shocked, then sad.

He told one of his brothers. The one who survived a really, really nasty divorce. I told him I thought that was the wrong sibling to talk to but...like he's going to listen to me!

We both got home in time to watch Kentucky barely beat Louisville in the NCAA final four. He was very quiet the rest of the night. He went to bed right after the game. Before going to bed, he turned to me and said, "I have another idea to share with you tomorrow..."

I'm on pins and needles...but I now know I have what it takes to say no to him :-)

Thank you to all of my incredible ep friends who cajoled, educated, supported, and encouraged me through the beginning of this process. You all are priceless!
PeachesGalore PeachesGalore
46-50, F
11 Responses Mar 31, 2012

yea for you!! keep your eyes on the road ahead. i found the journey to be difficult, but far better than where i started.

congrats.may u live happily ever after

What was his idea he had for you the next day lol? Wow bravo on your bravery! It is not easy when they have that sad puppy dog face going on. It's not like you ever wanted it to come to this, this was the last thing you actually wanted. BUT they left us no choice now they have the puppy face? <br />
After I showed my lady balls to my ex the other day and made it clear we were not getting back together, he treated me like crap for a full day. Today.... he is back to acting like there is hope. -_- really.....

Oh yes - expect that to keep happening.
His idea the next day was couples counseling. I told him that was useless, and that my goal for counseling will be to transition into independence :-)
I like that...lady balls...lol.

Wow... he waited a whole night to tell you that? Couples counseling... yes my H wants to do that as well, I dont want to. It is past that for me. We have gone to 2 and still my questions of why didnt you want me for 4 years were not answered, all he could say was I do love her, and I did want her I just dont know..... ok counselling over.

I thought you were referring to another type of "pair". Balls, huh? Yikes!

Guess he needed the night to try and come up with something. And got nothing, cause there's nothing to do.<br />
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Good for you for setting all your boundaries clearly with him (groceries, laundry, rooms, etc). I think that sets you up for success. And the other thing I noticed in your story was how you are very self-aware of your actions - especially the enabling ones. The ability to see what you used to do and what you don't want to do anymore will get you the results you want. A happy life without him!! It's hard to change the dynamic, but it seems like you really have.<br />
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My goal at this point isn't to change the dynamic as much as it is to not let the dynamic affect me. I am movin' on!

The cat is out of the bag and there's no putting it back in..way to go!

I'm completely relieved at this point. I was a bit scared of being Bitter....becoming a guarded and lonely mess after all that has gone on....but I'm not...I'm doing almost great in fact. I'm almost keeping up at work...almost keeping the house picked up....and almost wanting to lay down with a man.....hahaha....IDk how That will be possible...lol.... I still blush when a man Talks to me...and that is so stupidly embarrassing....I need lessons on how to grow the hell up! I feel like I'm 16 and just as clueless sometimes.

Good for you!<br />
Feels good to stand up doesn't it?<br />
Hope it's not a bitter process!

I'm newly free too....It's been 25 years and a lot of yuck. I am so happy to have him gone. I am not getting a gut ache anymore, when I pull into my driveway. The stress is just not there! I am a little scared of getting happy though...that's a strange feeling. I don't want to live suspended....and can feel my real self...peaking out...braving this new world.

I know that gut ache in the driveway! I would not wish that on anyone...

The hardest part is over. I know how difficult it is to say the words, I am leaving. I like to think about the future now, and you will find that the good days outweigh the bad, and will be happier. I know I am. Keep your chin up and know you did the right thing!!!!!

Best of luck. I venture to guess you will find great relief and a wonderful sense of autonomy. (Sound of applause)

Wow. Love it.<br />
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"Dear, I'm leaving you. We're done ..." <br />
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Simply perfect. <br />
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You certainly did grow a pair !