Not My Idea

Yes, it's true. I am getting a divorce, but it wasn't my idea, although it should have been. I can't say that the thought didn't cross my mind numerous times, and in the course of ten years, that's a lot. The fact that I have been living in a sexless marriage for most of the last ten years is probably reason enough to knock on a lawyer's door, but for some reason I kept hoping that things would turn around. Well, they never did. If someone were to say that I was a glutton for punishment, they would probably be somewhere close to right. Was it love? I don't know. I suppose one could say that it was my own personal committment, and I blame those vows from back in the day, but who knew?

Ten years ago I was made aware of my wife's infidelity, and that by my own kids. I have to hand it to kids.They see things a lot more than I give them credit for. I was the clueless one, but they happened to see how she acted when they would visit her at work, and they also took note that her cell phone minutes were always maxed out, but it wasn't me she was calling. Upon making the discovery, I was so much in denial that I actually found myself trying to defend certain aspects of what she was doing. It wasn't until I was told something she had said over the phone that the dagger was driven home. I can't even remember now if she apologized in any way. I know she did to my youngest son, and probably to the two other kids, but not to me. She told me then in her own way that she wanted a divorce, but me being me, I wanted to hold on for dear life. What was I thinking?

But here I am, nine years later, and it's like deja vu all over again. I had had my suspicions for some time, but didn't have anything concrete to go with until the 1st of March rolled around. It was then that I saw her with another guy going into a bowling alley together, the same guy who had come out to our house to finish up on some flooring we had had installed only a few short weeks before, and how convenient for somebody was that? I had to wonder why it took him five days to do a one day job.

Later on that evening she and I had a little talk that got bigger as the night went on. In the beginning she simply said, "I'm not happy, and I want a divorce." I retaliated with, "Well, I'm not happy either." From that point on it was me trying to understand why she wasn't happy, and by the end of the evening she couldn't really tell me, but I was the major player. I had asked her what it was that I had denied her, and she couldn't tell me. I made it clear to her that I was the one who had lived with rejection for ten years. I was the one who was unloved and unwanted. I was the one who had more reason to get a divorce than she did, but that didn't change anything. Thus we are where we are from the standpoint of fast forward.

Even though the lawyer has been paid, and we await the signing of the papers, we still talk, probably more than we ever have, about whether this is the right thing to do. In my mind, I see no other recourse, for even if we were to stay together, I know that things would not change. All that would happen is that the pain would be prolonged, and who really needs that? I know that she is having second thoughts because of the financials, but again, this was her idea; not mine. She's also having some issues where the kids are concerned, but she had to realize the impact that the news would have on them. Two of them have dealt with it relatively well, but my youngest son harbors a lot of bitterness, and much of it still stems from the first time around. But as I told my future ex-wife, we all have to live our own lives, and he will have to learn to deal with it. In time, he will just I have to. Something tells me it's going to be easier for me than for him. But my kids don't know the half of what's gone on, and I probably don't know the other half.

The one thing I do know, while it wasn't my idea to begin with, I'm not going to make any further efforts to hold on to what has been. As others have said in their own accounts, I'd rather be single for the rest of my life than be married to someone who doesn't love me. Going forward, I don't know what to expect, but it should be interesting not sharing the ride with someone else, unless I happen to pick up someone who's heading down the same road as me.
m00nmeister m00nmeister
56-60, M
7 Responses Apr 22, 2012

I wonder how your life is now. I am happy that you decided in this post to move on. It is tough when the other person doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, especially, when you have kids. I hope things got much better in the future.

Hi moonmeister, your story and my own are very similar. I note that it's been almost 2 years since you posted this and I am wondering how you made out. Please tell me that there is hope for me. I'm very afraid of being alone. I liked being married, no I should re-phrase that, I liked the marriage I thought I had, but it turned out I don't know my husband as well as I thought I did.

This was soooo on point for me. Thank you for sharing this.

You chose a perfect song...reason I never wanted to fall in love, believe, or build dreams! It truly is not ever enough. Good luck my friend.

Brilliant. Your story defines "surrender" and "acceptance". Although I know it's not easy, it sounds as if you truly are at peace with it. I'm going to send your story to someone else I know on here. I think he could also relate. Ten years.... funny how quickly our lives can slip away from us if we allow it. Where DOES the time go? <br />
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I'm proud of the two of you for setting each other free. That seems to be the hardest part, and those financials? Are probably why she's stayed. Hate it for her; life is about choices and consequences, and when you go outside your marriage, you eventually don't have a marriage. And when you don't have a marriage, you don't have a spouse. And when you don't have a spouse, you don't have a spouse's paycheck to rely on. Choices and consequences... choices and consequences.<br />
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Stay strong... if you ever feel low during this process? Re-read your story. It's a good one... . I think you're really going to enjoy this new found solitude. It's in the quiet of our lives where we find what we seek. In the quiet, we are not distracted by others and their behaviors constantly; so we can just learn to "be", to live, to live in the moment, and to be aware of what's going on around us in much more fine tune than when our relationships take energy away from us, versus giving it to us. Peace and love and light to you...

Thanks, I appreciate that.

I feel for you. My story is close to yours. You are in my prayers.

You gave it your all! More than most people would do in your situation! You are a good man. It's hard to take that leap, but it will be worth it! You will be happy again some day, and your kids will be fine. Be good to yourself, take some time for yourself. Do some things that you enjoy. Exercise, hike, meditate-whatever you like to do that makes you feel well. Stay strong!