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What A Process!!!

Like you, I am getting a divorce. I am wondering how many people, like me, were completely caught off guard when their spouse said 'we are done' or in my case 'we need to spend time apart'. Like a dummy, I agreed to move out (this was in November) and stayed at my sisters place for 2 months. I'd come home every other weekend and 1 night a week to see my 3 young boys and she would go somewhere else (I soon discovered she was staying at a guy's place that she met before we seperated). After 2 months of this, I simply showed up one day and announced that I was moving back in. This got her really mad, so she took the 3 kids and moved out. After 2 months of that, she came back one day, completely beaten down, told me and her family and a bunch of friends how her boyfriend physically and mentally abused her, how they did "tons" of cocaine, and how horrible the relationship was. I was overjoyed to have her back! That was late March. After moving furniture and the boys back to our house, she decided within 2 weeks that she really wanted to be with this guy (same abusive boyfriend) and decided that she did not want to try and make our relationship work. Wow!!!! So now she has moved out, we've just about finalized everything with the divorce, and it kills me (mostly not to see the boys that much - I have the usual lousy Pennsylvania divorced father custody arrangement - every other weekend, one night a week, and a few other times thrown in). I pray for the safety of my boys and just can't believe a sane woman (with 3 small kids) would want to be around a man like that.

So here I am....looking for another outlet to share, discuss, vent, contribute. It has been a very hard road but have channeled much of my anger into the gym (I must admit I am in pretty good shape thanks to this!) and am to the point where I am ready to start dating again and just focus on my kids. I am 49 and have been successful in almost everything I have done, except for this marriage.  If there is anyone who needs an ear or that I can help who is goingthrough this horrible process, you have a friend in me!!  Have a great day.
hopeandstrength hopeandstrength 46-50, M 7 Responses Jul 6, 2012

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I feel for you mate, I only hope you get a lady who truly deserves you. Hope you get proper access to your sons too but I think they should be with you 100% given she did the dirty on you with someone else. Good luck for the future

Dear HopeandStrength,<br />
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Please research and see what other options you have about getting your boys. If she is in an abusive relationship, more than likely, he will abuse them as well. I worked in this area for years, and although she says she wants to be with him, she is not thinking about the children. I have seen enough of abused children due to the mother not wanting to say no to a man that abuses her.<br />
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If you can, file for custody of your children and explain to the Department of Human Svs. your concern plus the fact she is doing cocaine. If this man doesn't care about her, what do you think, after a while, he will do to your three boys. Don't take this sitting down. Get a Family Lawyer and follow what he/she says. When you have your children, question them about how they feel about him, and have them to be truthful. I say this with strong encouragement because I lost a niece to suicide because of it. Please, please speak with a lawyer, and have them investigate. This man may have a record longer than your arm. You don't know what's behind his actions.<br />
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Anyone doing cocaine, even in pleasure, changes their behavior when under the influence. Please check and make sure your children are safe.<br />
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Warm Regards,

she will probably regret it when the "passion" of that tumultuous relationship fizzles, you're a good man.

Thats tough, 20 years married here, but I was advised not to leave the marriage home under any circumstances, so she left, best decision I ever made, and it was difficult because I thought 'give her what she wants and she will appreciate you" but that was me being the eternal optimist I am. But I totally get the feeling of failure, even though there wasnt much i could have done differently. In your case though with the drugs that has to be totally confusing, because it makes you think was it the drugs? or the person, Im praying for you man, its a struggle

Gentlemen I'm so very sorry for your woes. My story is the flip side, marrying the divorced single Father with the troubled ex-wife. Now 15 yrs later (children from his first marriage are grown by the way) no children of our own, we have the ability and time to travel.... Yep, he wants a divorce?!?! I'm 39 been a faithful wife, stayed in great shape, and did my part for us both to earn graduate degrees; so we can enjoy these latter years of marriage. He's in a full blown mid-life crisis and will not buldge. We've separated per his insistence, and he's struggling with money. While I pray things will change, I am securing my future and am thankful for financial independence. I'm truly thanking God that I maintained my own idenity in the marriage, but it is still so very hard to witness the distruction of the love of my life before my eyes. My advice seek therapy for yourselves regardless of your partners, trust me it can not hurt.

I am sorry to hear your story but agree with your comment about seeking therapy. I have a strong network of family and friends that I lean on and did do some group therapy where I met some wonderful people who I now count as my friends. Very good advice. I feel for people who have no one to suport them. You sound like a great catch so while it is painful, as people tell me - you will find the person who truly should be with you! It is also hard for me to witness what my ex-wife has done but keep telling myself all I can control is what I do, and pray for hope and strength everyday!

Thanks! People have told me the same about love around the bend, but you're correct....it's painful to hear. From here it sounds like you are projecting calm and control, so congratulations!!! ~Everyone says one day at a time...here we go.

Yes, one day at a time indeed. I have actually moved to be able to look a few days or even a week at a time. You will get there. And I like that you pray for hope and strength - that is why I chose my screen name to be "hopeandstrength"! They are the 2 things that are needed during this stressful time.

Just wait till she till the thrill of dating this untaimed horse finally hits home with her. She will want the comfort that you provided for her, make sure you dont give into your soft heart. You dont deserve to be put thru the crap she has put you thru. You need to find someone who knows what love truely is. Your ex wife is not that person.

So many people have told me she will try and come back and that I should not give in! I will worry about that if/when the time comes but am working hard to move on. Thanks for your thoughts!

Wow, first I am sorry you went through all that. Divorce is hard. I am waiting for mine to be finalized. It's so hard. I can't believe that she received full custody, especially with her drug problem and he he is abusive. That is crazy! Maybe you can fight it. I am glad you stood up for yourself though. You deserve better. I know that is so cliche and overused, but sometimes it is the truth. I hope you have some peace.

Thank you. She doesn't have full custody but more than I have. And the courts in pa are so against working dads because we work! Anyway I just pray things don't work out with this guy because he is no role model for my kids. And my lawyer tells me it is easy to get a court order for drug testing if I suspect she is using again.

I think that for the sake of your kids you must fight for the custody. Not only are they doing drugs, or have been, but he is also physically abusive. How long till he starts being verbally, emotionally or physically abusive to your kids? Anyway, it seems that your ex is mainly interested in having a good time with that guy without taking into consideration whether having him around is a good example for your kids or even not a risk for them.
Wishing you a good and happy life.