Readers Digest Version

Tonight my husband is at a lawyers, preparing the first of the paperwork for our divorce. I am pissed off and sad about this.

Im pissed off because since he decided on divorce, he has become a different ******* person. Its cruel that the person I begged to see for so long is zipping around taking care of things. He says its because he realized now all the mistakes that he made and he doesn't want to be this way if there's ever a next woman. Not 'Lets work on this', just sayonara, and by the way, you're an ******* for cheating on me.

Some background:

For years I drank every night to mask the fact that I was living with him in a roommate like situation. When everything blew up and the accusations started flowing, he told me he never noticed i drank that much! Wtf? I rarely drank less than 8 drinks and it was more common for me to have 12. I was a calm drunk, who mostly read while I was drinking , but come on! It took hours of round and round arguing before he even had an inkling that he had no idea what I was up to, because he didn't talk to me most days, not beyond goodbye, hello and how was your day? Oh, plus arguing, we were experts at that.

My husband made it clear he wasnt interested in me any longer by coming home each night and doing one of two things: falling asleep on the couch or going immediately upstairs to play RPG's ( or jerk off, the stiff rags he left out were a real treat for me) and he stayed there until 4 or 5 am every night. I get up at 5 most days, so even when we did sleep in the same bed, we basically just passed in the night. Needless to say, we rarely had sex. He told me I was fat ( im not, hes just an *** who only liked me when I was skeletal) so I was touchy and hurt about it when he did get desperate enough to touch me.

I know many women say they 'wait on their husbands hand and foot' but I really, truly did. I managed all the money and paid the bills, I did every single bit of housework, I cooked all meals from scratch 6 out of 7 nights each week, and when they were ready, I brought them upstairs to the computer to eat at his leisure. I took care of the lawn and outdoors, I took my son to every function and appointment and cancelled my work when he was sick. I washed his clothes and put them away, did all the grocery and household shopping. (Did I mention I have a small business and work too? Im not a housewife.) I enjoy a well run household so I probably would be doing these things if I lived on my own, and it was also how I showed I cared, but to have no acknowledgment that I was anything but a free nanny/housekeeper who be thought was unattractive, too, was and still is incredibly painful.

He didn't go places with us. Not to parties, not to holidays ( except Xmas and our sons bday, but that's only because I went ******* nuts about it), we went on one vacation and he stayed away all day and only came back to the cabin to sleep. I can count on one hand the number of times he came to the playground or any other fun activity with us over 12 years. I stopped asking because he would just sleep or play games on his phone. I stopped asking him for everything actually, unless there was a crisis. (He is awesome is a crisis and he can fix or build anything, those are his finest qualities, in case anyone thinks im just going to bash him endlessly.) I stopped crying, pleading, yelling, all of it, because it went nowhere and I was so depressed I used to wish I would get a disease and die. Pathetic, but there I was.

When my friends boyfriend tried to rape me, my husband was very angry and wanted to beat the guys ***. All I could think of were the jail type consequences of this, so I begged him not to go over there, but I shouldn't have. Maybe if he had an outlet he wouldn't have done what he did. What came of this situation was I got sadder and sadder about it, but he never noticed or asked how I was, if I was hurt or scared or freaked out. I couldnt talk about it, I needed him to see me and help me get it out. He even implied it was partly my fault and that hurt worse than anything I could imagine up to that point.

Because of all this, I just gave up and stopped trying to connect with him. I lived my separate life and eventually I ended up on EP. This place has done me a world of good. I had alienated most of my friends by withdrawing further and further each year, so it was wonderful to be able to talk to people who didn't know me, couldn't see me, weren't judging me and only listened if they wanted to. I didnt feel like i was burdening a website with my problems.

I wont go into much detail, but what happened was I made friends with a dear, dear man who took me away from my problems and who paid attention to me. I found him funny, charming, intelligent, talented and best of all, attractive. Things progressed to such a point that we fell for eachother. Long story, short - my husband suddenly noticed I was alive ( he says he noticed I was neglecting the housework, ha! How unbelievable) and turned into a detective. Taped my conversations, went through my stuff, put a recorder in my car, followed me using a tracker. Only when his property was encroached upon did he care and that didn't make me feel loved, it made me feel stalked.

Because he discovered that I was having a full blown affair with this man ( we've met, and had the most connected, hot sex ive ever experienced, and its great I might add! ) his caveman behavior kicked in and now im the **** who ruined his life. It was with some considerable effort that i made him see he was partly responsible for this. Loved, content people dont stray. I think its unfair that he has a one strike and youre out policy, while I tried to make it work for years. We're stuck living together for some time still, and i dont know whats going to happen with my sweet, handsome EP love, but I guess when I look back at my list of grievances here, it must be for the best that my husband and i are parting.

That's my story, and im glad its out. My head is killing me.

laniferous laniferous 36-40, F 13 Responses Aug 24, 2012

Your Response


He's a jerk and you were together FAR too long. Maybe you two shouldn't have even have been married in the first place.
Both of you at fault for making each other miserable.
But, you still should have divorced or separated before you cheated on him. It's a betrayal of a solemn vow and that is NEVER okay. There is never a reason for it. Only excuses.
Sorry. But that's how it is.
Best to just move on with your lives. Perhaps you will learn from all of this.

If you really so desperately felt like you needed to be with someone else... You did. But it also meant that it was past time to end the marriage. Whatever the case may be, I think it'll all work out in the end. Best of luck to you.

Because you're my friend...
I'm a recovering alcoholic.
No one has commented on your drinking. I hope you're getting help. AA was my lifesaver. If you're anything like me, the drinking will continue to drag you down. You were very open about it, so at least you recognise it. I truly want the best for you.

Oh I stopped that months ago, but I do appreciate you noticing that. It was a huge problem that strangely wasnt that hard to control. I just stopped. ¢:

I am SO glad to hear that. But please be aware that under stress it can rear its ugly head again.

I suppose someone in my family could die, but other than that, I couldn't possibly be under more stress, ha! Thanks edward, ill keep watch on myself. I know you have exp with this.

How are you doing since you posted this? I've seen 3 divorces unfold before me. Two were family members and one was a friend. The men were the divorcers and they all turned into hateful monsters. I've seen the havoc it reeked on those who are dear to me. I only understand it to that extent, but my heart hurts to hear that you are now going through this too. Thank you for sharing what is going on in your life.

Im glad youre back, miss ¢: We are having an incredibly amicable divorce, I actually wish it would go faster so I could just start the new chapters of my life. I try not to think about what its going to be like not living with our son, though.

That's good that he's not being a total *** during this process. I hope it goes along smoothly for you. My sister is still trying to get divorced from her husband, he's in Canada(and she used to live there too) and he refuses to sign the papers. And she knows about the one-signature divorce deal but can't afford it.
I'm sorry to hear you won't be living with your son:( but you will have partial custody of him right? (or is he legally an adult?)

No, hes only 12, but he needs stability being an aspergers kid, so it would be better for me to go so that his surroundings don't change.

You are a good mom, that is a very hard thing to put his needs above yours in a very painful time in your life. I know you will be rewarded for you selflessness. Something very good will come out of all of this:)

1 More Response

I'm honestly not sure if I'm sad for you from your marriage or happy because of the metamorphosous your life is beginning to take for the better. I can relate to your feelings and can also remember many times when I was an inadequate husband. I'm not sure what else to say, which is embarrassing as a former marriage counselor. I value you as my friend and am sorry to see you having to go through this. You're in my thoughts.

A marriage counselor with nothing to say? Is that why its your 'former' profession, ha. ¢: thanks, though.

Be happy.

You've been buried in a toxic relationship for a long time and it's been dysfunctional for most of it from your description. Splitting is the best thing you can do. Get out of that poisonous atmosphere and reboot your life.

You're still relatively young and can move on to bigger and better things. You spent way too long banging your head against a brick wall. My only question is why you wait?

He's not happy because he's lost something that was disinteringly comfortable. It's like you'd both become a bad habit. Now you need to break that and start over.

It won't be easy, but you're clearly smart, articulate and pretty switched on. You just need to realise in your own mind you deserve better. Now's the time to get out there and find it!

I stayed for our son and a sense of misguided loyalty. Plus security. Only one of those was even halfway reasonable. A bad habit is a good way to describe it. Thanks riff, I appreciate your thoughts.

welcome :) Hope they help xx

I think he is doing you a favor here, hon.

My wife's been emotionally unavailable, and usually sexually unavailable as well...not through malice but cluelessness...My pain's kind of bubbled to the top now and all bets are off on whether we can fix it.

At best your soon-to-be-ex is terrifically insensitive, at worst he's been manipulating you all this time.

BTW, ever lurked on the "I live in a sexless marriage" forum here? When I first came to EP, a glitch in the programming caused me to see this group all over my feed, even though I was not a part of it at the time. Maybe it was the universe trying to drop me a hint?

Ive seen the enormous quantity of people in it- Jesus Christ. Either marriage is an unnatural state for humans, or we are all marrying for stability and not sex appeal.

Wow really interesting story. I'm sorry this has HAPPENED to you but glad you're taking the steps to improve your own life. I haven't HEARD too many like It, and it certainly wasn't at all like my situation.


Oh I didn't realize all that tequila was getting you through a divorce! Thanks cart

A divorcee myself, I understand the painful journey, anger, resentment, confusion, guilt and fear you're experiencing. The best way to get yourself back on track is to;

1) Take time out to focus on yourself and build your internal power - this includes a "MAN DETOX" as men sugar coat our healing process and emotions like loneliness. Learning to love and accept yourself is the most powerful feeling when you don't have to rely on a man for it.

2) Focus on the future - what you focus on is what you attract. The best revenge for any ex spouse is create and enjoy a fun and fantastic life. The only way to achieve this is to think "CREATIVITY" rather than ponder on the past.

3) Find your PURPOSE in life - It is amazing when you find your purpose how powerful you feel, not only are you super excited about waking up every day but you also don't need external people or things to validate you.

All the best


Divorce Recovery Coach

Those are very helpful statements, and seem to be all true. Im not running away with my boyfriend and I have spent many long hours figuring out what's next for when the divorce is final. Thank you, Tania

Divorce is never easy.

How long have you been married?

Why didn't he appreciate what you did around the house?

Why did he always hibernate away from you?

I won't say that having the affair was the right thing, but you did find out that (a) you are still desirable (b) you experienced hot passionate sex (c) this other man treated you well and made you feel like a true woman should feel.

Unfortunately, once hubby found out about your affair, of course he will use it against you, and claim his "territory".

Where was he all this time?

Good luck.

Lets see...married 8, together 14. He says hes sorry he didn't notice but not why. Hes kind of robot like because he was severely abused as a child. He was just upstairs, sleeping or working. He didn't interact with us. Thanks for commenting Gemini, I appreciate your time.

You mentioned that he was severely abused as a child. NOT GOOD. Has he been or is he in therapy for that abuse?

Because of the abuse, he may not be able to show emotion for the marriage or
he may have issues that prevent him from showing affection.

I feel your pain.

He refuses all help. I never knew how bad it was until recently. I might not have married him if id known the extent. Thanks again, gemini

You know I always have your back and am here for whatever you need - I hope you feel at least a little better getting everything off your chest!

Sorry about your jerk husband and the divorce (no offence intended). But glad that you met a wonderful man and began to feel more alive, beautiful. Because you are. I hope for a speedy divorce, and that you can return to living your life in freedom and happiness. In short, you go girl! :)

Wow, I know how hard that must have been to write but I hope it helps getting out. What a fool your husband is to not recognize what he had in you. It makes me sad my friend to know everything you've been through and as you know I can relate to much of it. I know the future seems scary and uncertain but I truly believe getting out of such an unhappy situation will be a big turning point in your life. I'm happy you found your sweet,handsome love and even though he is also going through transition, you will be there for each other for love & support. You are both my very special friends and I believe you came into each other's life for a reason.

Stay strong beautiful!