Readers Digest VersionTonight my husband is at a lawyers, preparing the first of the paperwork for our divorce. I am pissed off and sad about this.
Im pissed off because since he decided on divorce, he has become a different ******* person. Its cruel that the person I begged to see for so long is zipping around taking care of things. He says its because he realized now all the mistakes that he made and he doesn't want to be this way if there's ever a next woman. Not 'Lets work on this', just sayonara, and by the way, you're an ******* for cheating on me.
For years I drank every night to mask the fact that I was living with him in a roommate like situation. When everything blew up and the accusations started flowing, he told me he never noticed i drank that much! Wtf? I rarely drank less than 8 drinks and it was more common for me to have 12. I was a calm drunk, who mostly read while I was drinking , but come on! It took hours of round and round arguing before he even had an inkling that he had no idea what I was up to, because he didn't talk to me most days, not beyond goodbye, hello and how was your day? Oh, plus arguing, we were experts at that.
My husband made it clear he wasnt interested in me any longer by coming home each night and doing one of two things: falling asleep on the couch or going immediately upstairs to play RPG's ( or jerk off, the stiff rags he left out were a real treat for me) and he stayed there until 4 or 5 am every night. I get up at 5 most days, so even when we did sleep in the same bed, we basically just passed in the night. Needless to say, we rarely had sex. He told me I was fat ( im not, hes just an *** who only liked me when I was skeletal) so I was touchy and hurt about it when he did get desperate enough to touch me.
I know many women say they 'wait on their husbands hand and foot' but I really, truly did. I managed all the money and paid the bills, I did every single bit of housework, I cooked all meals from scratch 6 out of 7 nights each week, and when they were ready, I brought them upstairs to the computer to eat at his leisure. I took care of the lawn and outdoors, I took my son to every function and appointment and cancelled my work when he was sick. I washed his clothes and put them away, did all the grocery and household shopping. (Did I mention I have a small business and work too? Im not a housewife.) I enjoy a well run household so I probably would be doing these things if I lived on my own, and it was also how I showed I cared, but to have no acknowledgment that I was anything but a free nanny/housekeeper who be thought was unattractive, too, was and still is incredibly painful.
He didn't go places with us. Not to parties, not to holidays ( except Xmas and our sons bday, but that's only because I went ******* nuts about it), we went on one vacation and he stayed away all day and only came back to the cabin to sleep. I can count on one hand the number of times he came to the playground or any other fun activity with us over 12 years. I stopped asking because he would just sleep or play games on his phone. I stopped asking him for everything actually, unless there was a crisis. (He is awesome is a crisis and he can fix or build anything, those are his finest qualities, in case anyone thinks im just going to bash him endlessly.) I stopped crying, pleading, yelling, all of it, because it went nowhere and I was so depressed I used to wish I would get a disease and die. Pathetic, but there I was.
When my friends boyfriend tried to rape me, my husband was very angry and wanted to beat the guys ***. All I could think of were the jail type consequences of this, so I begged him not to go over there, but I shouldn't have. Maybe if he had an outlet he wouldn't have done what he did. What came of this situation was I got sadder and sadder about it, but he never noticed or asked how I was, if I was hurt or scared or freaked out. I couldnt talk about it, I needed him to see me and help me get it out. He even implied it was partly my fault and that hurt worse than anything I could imagine up to that point.
Because of all this, I just gave up and stopped trying to connect with him. I lived my separate life and eventually I ended up on EP. This place has done me a world of good. I had alienated most of my friends by withdrawing further and further each year, so it was wonderful to be able to talk to people who didn't know me, couldn't see me, weren't judging me and only listened if they wanted to. I didnt feel like i was burdening a website with my problems.
I wont go into much detail, but what happened was I made friends with a dear, dear man who took me away from my problems and who paid attention to me. I found him funny, charming, intelligent, talented and best of all, attractive. Things progressed to such a point that we fell for eachother. Long story, short - my husband suddenly noticed I was alive ( he says he noticed I was neglecting the housework, ha! How unbelievable) and turned into a detective. Taped my conversations, went through my stuff, put a recorder in my car, followed me using a tracker. Only when his property was encroached upon did he care and that didn't make me feel loved, it made me feel stalked.
Because he discovered that I was having a full blown affair with this man ( we've met, and had the most connected, hot sex ive ever experienced, and its great I might add! ) his caveman behavior kicked in and now im the **** who ruined his life. It was with some considerable effort that i made him see he was partly responsible for this. Loved, content people dont stray. I think its unfair that he has a one strike and youre out policy, while I tried to make it work for years. We're stuck living together for some time still, and i dont know whats going to happen with my sweet, handsome EP love, but I guess when I look back at my list of grievances here, it must be for the best that my husband and i are parting.
That's my story, and im glad its out. My head is killing me.