I Am Still In Early Stage

Hi all,
I am a 52 year old survivor of 35 years of verbal abuse. I say survivor but I am still learning to deal with the lack of self esteem, anxiety about the future and the ***hole who is trying to control me even after he has been served.
His latest is that even though I am unemployed and was a full-time student up until a few weeks ago and I have to pack up our home of 14 years since it sold right after he walked out and move 300 miles away to live with family until I can get a job and support myself, he should not have to pay any spousal support or pay to move the household items the 300 miles. And then he wants to rush the divorce through even though I had to do the filing since he would have sat back and waited until I forced the issue.
I know he thinks I should (because I have before) beg him to work this out and try again but I have given him all the time and energy that I had. He says he quit respecting me when I quit doing what he wanted me too. I went back to school to get a "Career" for us. I didn't quit anything, I stepped up and went to school full-time, took care of the house and cooking and laundry and his emotional outbursts and everything else. I put up with his abuse and verbal abuse from our children (they learned their father's behavior). I put up with his controlling/disapproving family and his alcoholic friends who groped me more often then naught (he never stopped them or said anything to them when I told him).
I am still in pain that I wasn't enough for him to change his fake reality to a mutual supportive relationship and believe me I tried for years to tell him, show him and take him to counseling. He finally went to counseling the last three weeks before walking out and he used whatever was said in the session to browbeat me with. Bringing up things that I had told him and my sister has told him many times over the years and claiming that "he didn't know" and using them to tell me that I was crazy to think he was trying to manipulate me.
I admit I was not nice those last few weeks and I told the counselor that unless I saw some major changes I did not hold out much hope for the marriage. But I only stood up for myself and said no to his abusive tactics.
I am really missing the man I thought I was married too and grieving the previous lack of knowledge that let me believe that he was just bossy not a bully and verbal abuser. I know I can never go back but this is extremely hard after being a couple for 35 years. I know he is capable of being a good loving husband because he has been at times. But I also know that until he takes responsibility for his past behavior and accepts months of counseling there is no hope. I am getting out while I am still young enough to move on and hopefully one day in the far far future I will find someone who appreciates me.
I am sorry for the long post but I am so upset I cannot think straight. I really wish I could have the man I married instead of the monster he became. I miss the closeness of hugs and talking to someone who knows you and shares your history. I miss the dreams and ideas that we shared and were working towards. Now I don't have a house or a husband or a job or the dream of a future. Still scared and sad.
Survior35 Survior35
51-55, F
Sep 7, 2012