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Jul 6th, 2008
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I
woke up today and was surprised by the urge to cook. While I enjoy cooking and love see my friends and family enjoy what I’ve made, the desire hasn't been there for quite some time. I’ve got my staple weeknight meals that I know everyone in the house will eat, but they become stale after time. (Kind of like my life and marriage)
Lately cooking (again, like life and marriage) has become a chore. I’m a vegetarian now, and have not asked my family to follow the same path as I. So, now along with tuna steaks, chicken caccitore, and tacos, I need to make a substantial salad or an extra side dish that I normally wouldn’t have bothered with. It’s a pain, but I chose this lifestyle, my family didn’t.
So, for the first time in a long time, I wanted to cook just for the hell of it. I didn’t feel like following my grandmother’s recipe for marinara sauce that is ingrained in my memory, nor did I want to make my favorite recipe for chicken with artichokes. I wanted to create. Some of my best meals are a result of letting my mind wander as I haphazardly gather ingredients.
I went outside to the herb garden and picked what felt right. I rummaged through the refrigerator, randomly grabbing items at will. I let my mind drift the entire time, not really paying attention to my thoughts and where they were going, but observing the fact that they were there.
I don’t remember if I was mincing chives or cleaning out the inside of a spaghetti squash, but all of a sudden, I was faced with a sudden insight. I’ve been struggling through my marriage and life lately, trying to figure out what I did wrong. Who am I and how did I get here? What did I do to deserve this life I’m living?
The answer to those questions is a simple one. I haven’t done anything wrong. I lived my life as best I was able. While not the best wife, I was the best I knew how to be. While not the best mother, I am a good one. Everything I do is out of love for my family. The problem is, when all is said and done, there was nothing left for me.
I struggle everyday with my decision to leave my husband and take back my life. However, if I don’t take this step, I’ll be lost forever. Divorce will be difficult on my children, there’s no doubt about that. Although, when you really think about it, if I stay because of them, what’s going to keep the bitterness and resentment (toward my husband and myself) at bay? How does that help them? How does that make things better?
I wish I could say that I was a strong enough to stay, for their sakes, but I’m not.
I’ve chosen to take the long road toward ending my marriage, but for me, it’s the right road.
7/11/08 For reasons that are unknown to me, this story has garnered much interest. I respectfully request that before posting your comments, you read all those that have come before. Thank you. ~IWM~
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  | Posted Jul 6th, 2008 at 6:12PM Wow ...I have just taken the decision to not be hurt by my husband anymore and take my life back, whichever way I go, either staying or parting, and do you know what, I too enjoyed throwing a stew together for the first time in ages....I had come to see cooking a as a real chore in recent years. Mighty tasty one it was too!lol   |
 | Posted Jul 6th, 2008 at 8:18PM Thank you Sla Lostbird, yup, although cooking was chore, I'm good at it. No one suffered a burnt potroast that's for sure. LOL |
| Posted Jul 6th, 2008 at 8:44PM Maisie, you get you're very own comment........LOL I wish separation was an option, but the only way that will happen is if I'm the one who leaves the house. I've moved into the guest room and the boys are having some difficulty with that. I told them that I snore and am keeping my husband up all night...LOL....Sometimes humor is the best medicine. Just to be clear, the divorce is a given..... The guilt is a living breathing thing. Everytime I go somewhere without my boys, step into my bedroom and hop on EP....everything I do alone, is clouded with guilt. Thanks Maisie, I love you two....this is just one more path that you and I share. |
| Posted Jul 6th, 2008 at 9:04PM, last updated Jul 6th, 2008 at 9:05PM With all you have on your plate Maisie, I don't know how you remember your name.... Intrepid, that is my favorite analogy!!! Thanks...and I am one hell of a cook! Ready for the irony? We ended up eating out, because I made a vegetarian meal and no one wanted it!! At least I won't have to deal with making a glut of side dishes this week....LOL Thanks D!!! The 'white light'...........boy we really need to talk, I can't believe it!! |
 | Posted Jul 6th, 2008 at 9:08PM My goodness ! I hope the best for all of you. I think there must be something in the "air" on here.Seems a lot of people are taking steps away or towards something. Again....the best to you which ever way you go. |
| Posted Jul 6th, 2008 at 9:16PM Hi Marji. I have to agree, I've run into more people in the past two months who are leaving their spouse, or at least contemplating it. I hope it's not contagious.... |
| Posted Jul 6th, 2008 at 9:20PM Not to me ! *keeping faith,and fingers crossed behind back* But I do gret hit once in a while with a feeling of "what if"...but it's gone faster than any second thought can follow. I guess I don't pay it any attention. The feeling of loss of control is smothering, but I know if I was faced with it,I'd probably crumble. LOL ! |
 | Posted Jul 6th, 2008 at 9:46PM My two cents, for what they are worth. I went through a divorce once before. It is an emotional journey that is painful and very hard. however, please get yourself a lawyer to handle the "business" of divorce while you can concentrate on the emotional issues and taking care of yourself. I failed to do that and the result was that the divorce and the following process lasted a very long time and it cost me ton of money |
| Posted Jul 6th, 2008 at 9:50PM I've been in contact with an attorney, it's only a matter of handing her the retainer. Even with the help of a lawyer, things are going to be a mess. I kept my eyes closed for way too long, and now I have to deal with the fall out.... Thanks Nudeinva! |
 | Posted Jul 6th, 2008 at 10:02PM Sighs............ Of course it is contagious. It is written. |
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