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Insight From My Kitchen......

I woke up today and was surprised by the urge to cook.  While I enjoy cooking and love see my friends and family enjoy what I’ve made, the desire hasn't been there for quite some time.  I’ve got my staple weeknight meals that I know everyone in the house will eat, but they become stale after time.  (Kind of like my  life and marriage)

 Lately cooking (again, like life and marriage) has become a chore.  I’m a vegetarian now, and have not asked my family to follow the same path as I.  So, now along with tuna steaks, chicken caccitore, and tacos, I need to make a substantial salad or an extra side dish that I normally wouldn’t have bothered with.   It’s a pain, but I chose this lifestyle, my family didn’t. 

So, for the first time in a long time, I wanted to cook just for the hell of it.  I didn’t feel like following my grandmother’s recipe for marinara sauce that is ingrained in my memory, nor did I want to make my favorite recipe for chicken with artichokes.  I wanted to create.   Some of my best meals are a result of letting my mind wander as I haphazardly gather ingredients.

 I went outside to the herb garden and picked what felt right.  I rummaged through the refrigerator, randomly grabbing items at will.  I let my mind drift the entire time, not really paying attention to my thoughts and where they were going, but observing the fact that they were there. 

I don’t remember if I was mincing chives or cleaning out the inside of a spaghetti squash, but all of a sudden, I was faced with a sudden insight.   I’ve been struggling through my marriage and life lately, trying to figure out what I did wrong.  Who am I and how did I get here?  What did I do to deserve this life I’m living? 

The answer to those questions is a simple one.  I haven’t done anything wrong.  I lived my life as best I was able.  While not the best wife, I was the best I knew how to be.  While not the best mother, I am a good one.  Everything I do is out of love for my family.  The problem is, when all is said and done, there was nothing left for me. 

I struggle everyday with my decision to leave my husband and take back my life.  However, if I don’t take this step, I’ll be lost forever.    Divorce will be difficult on my children, there’s no doubt about that.  Although, when you really think about it, if I stay because of them, what’s going to keep the bitterness and resentment (toward my husband and myself) at bay?  How does that help them?  How does that make things better?

I wish I could say that I was a strong enough to stay, for their sakes, but I’m not. 

I’ve chosen to take the long road toward ending my marriage, but for me, it’s the right road.

 

7/11/08  For reasons that are unknown to me, this story has garnered much interest.  I respectfully request that before posting your comments, you read all those that have come before.  Thank you. ~IWM~

6/22/11  I'm still getting questions and comments on this story...so here's how it ended.  My husband and I did separate, the kids have adapted and are actually thriving without the constant stress surrounding them.  Their dad and I co-operate and co-parent very well AND we were able to remain good friends.  We actually have a better relationship now than we did for years. 

It took a lot of hard work on both our parts...but the kids were and are our main priority......OH...one more thing, he actually likes and gets along with man who is in my life now, and all of us (the ex, the boyfriend, me, and the kids) spend most of our holidays together.  It is possible to do this people when you choose to let go of the blame and get on with the living.  ~Peace~

goddessone goddessone 41-45, F 95 Responses Jul 6, 2008

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I hope I am as lucky as you. How did you learn to forgive?

hi, leeo y entiendo el ingles pero no puedo escribir...traduce con google traductor<br />
el amor es infinito y maravilloso, pero en ocasiones cuando se muere el amor no queda mas seguir la corriente del rio...te deseo lo mejor del mundo

Dear lady, I'm sorry that I am very late in having seen your post. Anyway what about an update about your situation? I do hope the dust is settling on your divorce and that you are emerging from the emotional fog and and finding yourself again. After having been a housewife and a mother ( in a married situation ) for many years(how long were you married?) now that you are on your own there must be a ligthness to your step, a happy smile on your face and hope in your heart for something new and challenging coming your way. Stepping out of the comfortable and secure environs of your home of many years and facing the world on your own is something like coming out of a cocoon and suddenly finding out what a wonderful world exists out there. Like a breath of fresh air and that too, the rarefied air of the mountains scented with the perfume of Pines.<br />
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While married were you also working at a regular job? If so that would help you be completely independent and fill you with the confidence that you need, to go on. Another thing, do you have sole custody of your children or is it joint custody? Children in my opinion, would prefer to be with their mother especially if she has been a loving and caring parent as you have hinted at in your original post. In any case whatever be your current situation I would like to wish you the very best in everything that you do and experience and may you have the happiness in your life that you so earnestly desire from now on. Cheers!

It's been more than two years since your original post, and I hope things have gone well. Our stories are very similar, and it's inspiring and comforting to see that I'm not the only one. I also had a compulsion to cook today, my second to last weekend at this house. My husband also uses money as an excuse to stay together; for him marriage is more of a financial arrangement than an intimate arrangement or companionship. You did a good job enduring the shower of unsupportive comments on this board, and I'm glad I read this thread before posting my own story.

I enjoy cooking after work too.As I must face the Computer all day long,I chose cooking as my entertainment.

goddessone keep your head up high and just take care of yourself and the kids, nothing is meant to be forever. Be strong. I personally don't believe when peoples tell me they stay for the kids it is a lie and plus it is not safe for the kids because you are teaching them something not good. (it is like you are telling them to say anyway even if they don't feel like be there or there)

I can see you have had many comments and lots refer to divorce and food - I think there is a bigger picture here and that is about you getting your own self worth right back at the top of your agenda. I am new to this blog, first day in fact, but I am keen to make friends that I will never meet but with whom I can share lifes little moments and maybe give someone like you a reason the be cheerful. Life is not a dress rehearsal - this a one-shot opportunity. Grab it X<br />
Supersammy

Thanks Navyvet. I'm still living at home, but am currently looking for an apartment. I'm hoping to avoid the money issues by giving my husband my half of the house. He keeps using money as an excuse not get the divorce, so giving in is worth it to me. For now at least.....

Hey goddessone. I have read some oif the posts here, but I stopped at pg. 5. I think your posting has a record number of replies!<br />
Anyway, I just wanted to point out something from my own experience. I was divorced 6 years ago, & I still feel sad about it. It was horrible, the whole thing. But I had to get out, & I was kicked to the curb one night. And now, my former wife who was once a very good friend from back in the day; dislikes me intently. And it all came down to money in the end.<br />
I just wanted to tell you this so that you may be prepared.

I agree, Gren, but ouch.....<br />
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I'm moving on, and moving forward.<br />
<br />
The decision has been made.

The odds of "fixing" a sexless marriage? Go buy a lottery ticket. <br />
Seriously. <br />
<br />
I believe your inner voice is sounding true. <br />
<br />
As for the whinging voices saying you should martyr yourself? To hell with them. Let them stew in their own bile.

I've heard that recent happiness studies (I'm not sure how they study happiness) have found there to be NO difference in children's experience of "happiness" based on being brought by single or shared parenting, as long as the basic unconditional love is there.

Thank you g9. My husband has finally agreed to the divorce, so the road ahead will be interesting to say the least. Hopefully, it will be as amicable as he promises.

iwantmore Thank you for starting this tread and keeping it whole . There were many judgmental comments but were valid . I found it therapeutic with many different perspectives. Wish I had found this tread months sooner but now is good . Wish all those who are just starting their divorce can find this thread .

All now is left is to start to learn how to live and enjoy again. You can doit girl. So All I will say is G O G I R L G O!!

Thank you both so much.....

I'm a child of divorce, as too many are these days. It takes strength to do what you are doing and moving ahead. You appear to be a strong woman, much like my Mother was. I wish you the best and want you to know that (for what it's worth) I will stand beside you and listen to what ever you have a need to say. Take care and God Bless.

as a man i have only 1 thing to say do what u gotta do an go on with ure life .. i hope and pray its a happy 1.tc and love and kisses from some 1 that does not even know ya.

wow! I feel really bad for you. Divorce sucks. It sucks for everyone. maybe not so much for the lawyers.<br />
I got divorced and have since remarried. my experience was we were way too young.. fuss..... fight.... make-up .<br />
it was crazy crazy love. <br />
we fought about stupid little things that drove us apart until things were beyond working out. <br />
I remarried later and let me tell you... I have put up with waay more crap (it seems) than in my first marriage. <br />
but love him anyway. <br />
abuse , infidelity, drinking or drug addiction, gambling or if he is a wierdo. those are the deal breakers. everything else is just crap you will have to probably have to deal with anyway with someone else. only, it will take a few years or so to figure out what is wrong with that person. because trust me, there is something wrong with all of "them"!!! haha<br />
Seriously if divorce is the only choice for you. then be strong. for you and your kids.

hi I hope you read this I am saying to you do not do this .you are in a situation axactly like I was in the same axact issues .you feel unappreciated by your family your husband .because you are doing these things the cooking ect because you are committed to them and you love them.but you do not feel they appriciate a thing you do for them. and it is tearing you up inside I was like this but what was realized is that you were created to give and be a giver.its not about you its about your created purpose you were created to funtion in the exact way you have carried yourself the things you love to do for your family come from who you are you creative nature tha god has givem you.feeling unappreciated has changed who you are and you need to take it back.you willnot be able to function without being who you ae WHAT I mean is that you will be just the oposite as you have been reacting .you must continue t do what you love to do for your family and be true to who you ae.it is so much mor a powerful thing than you could ever realize.when you feel this wahy dicouraged because of how you feel right now you can become selfish I did this although I fouhgt it I could not stop being who I was I had to give and keep doing right I aske god to help me to get back to who I am and who he created me to be.and I began to feel free and at peace with loving my husband and family because I knew that every sacrifice I make he knew about it. and the influence I and legacy I won,t to leave them is more important than whether its appreciated or not and remember god can change any heart and attitude.hold on to you family your life is in giving being there to do those things they would never recieve or experience your gift of love that is what giving is a gift of love.don,t loose are give it up I almost did but my disire to love my family and leave them a legacy and my realtionship woth christ gaave me the strenth and wisdom to stand my ground remember satan is the destroyer of familys god is the author he knows axactly how it works.sincerely elizabeth j. simons columbia,mo

That makes me 102 unless someone beats me to it...<br />
For your easy listen tune to 102EP your redman station..

Damn...that makes me 101...sheesh LOL<br />
<br />
Thanks, Redhead....this was nuts...

This has elevated itself to a wonderful level of knee-slappin' funny. And I am very proud to be the 100th comment.

Divorce is hard no matter what the circumstance and everyone has there own opinion . Wow ..i agree redman . Hugs lady i wish you only the best.

Ok is it a full moon no not yet gut I see alot of them today....... see my story I see dumbasses.....

Friendship, we are very similar in that I too take care of everyone around me. My sons are 11 and 16, I need to view their behavior towards me with different eyes. They love me, that is a given, but do they respect me? I have no idea.

Oh my goodness. I feel like I have read my own story. I too love to cook and I want a divorce. I have been married for 30 years and 11 of those have been sexless an for about 5 years before that, sex was only once every six or eight months. I have poured myself into my family as a way to escape and feel fulfilled. My 20 year old son loves me but I don't see respect for me as a women. I finally had my fill and went to see a minister for counseling and he made a statement that has stuck with me and has helped me. He said, "You are not responsible for anyone else's happiness." I have always been the caretaker of EVERYONE and I am also a customer service rep for my fulltime job. I have given and given and have not gotten emotional care back from anyone. I have confronted my husband and we have talked twice about what is going on and he swears he is going to change. He treats me nicer and helps a "little" more around the house but there is still no physical contact. I feel like if I left that maybe there i someone who will want me for just being a woman and not for cooking and cleaning. If there isn't, then I am not missing out on anything. I will just be doing only my laundry and getting to eat what I want for a change. Anyone's thoughts?

That is why people don't like religion because of pushing it to others face. I am not coming to your doors and telling you give up god. If he exists he will find me or I will find him no need your fanatic mambo jumbo.<br />
Sorry IWM. You know my view on your situation. :-]

Truthsayer, I appreciate all the time and effort you have put into trying to convince me to change my path. However, my path as well as yours has been chosen. <br />
<br />
You may not agree that it is the right one, or the one that God wishes me to choose, but it is done. <br />
<br />
Please, let's stop this back and forth commenting and agree to disagree. I respect your views, I honestly do. You believe them and you live by them. But I ask that you not push them on me. <br />
<br />
You have put a lot of thought and effort into your posts. Again, I must commend you, again, I must respectfully disagree.<br />
<br />
Thank you for trying to show me what you believe to be the Holiest and Best way. Now, I ask that you let this be.

OMG!! Are you kidding? Now I understand what the heck is going on. Thank you so much for clearing that up, LilAnnie.<br />
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Thank you too, for the compliment. It ain't easy.