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Insight From My Kitchen......

I woke up today and was surprised by the urge to cook.  While I enjoy cooking and love see my friends and family enjoy what I’ve made, the desire hasn't been there for quite some time.  I’ve got my staple weeknight meals that I know everyone in the house will eat, but they become stale after time.  (Kind of like my  life and marriage)

 Lately cooking (again, like life and marriage) has become a chore.  I’m a vegetarian now, and have not asked my family to follow the same path as I.  So, now along with tuna steaks, chicken caccitore, and tacos, I need to make a substantial salad or an extra side dish that I normally wouldn’t have bothered with.   It’s a pain, but I chose this lifestyle, my family didn’t. 

So, for the first time in a long time, I wanted to cook just for the hell of it.  I didn’t feel like following my grandmother’s recipe for marinara sauce that is ingrained in my memory, nor did I want to make my favorite recipe for chicken with artichokes.  I wanted to create.   Some of my best meals are a result of letting my mind wander as I haphazardly gather ingredients.

 I went outside to the herb garden and picked what felt right.  I rummaged through the refrigerator, randomly grabbing items at will.  I let my mind drift the entire time, not really paying attention to my thoughts and where they were going, but observing the fact that they were there. 

I don’t remember if I was mincing chives or cleaning out the inside of a spaghetti squash, but all of a sudden, I was faced with a sudden insight.   I’ve been struggling through my marriage and life lately, trying to figure out what I did wrong.  Who am I and how did I get here?  What did I do to deserve this life I’m living? 

The answer to those questions is a simple one.  I haven’t done anything wrong.  I lived my life as best I was able.  While not the best wife, I was the best I knew how to be.  While not the best mother, I am a good one.  Everything I do is out of love for my family.  The problem is, when all is said and done, there was nothing left for me. 

I struggle everyday with my decision to leave my husband and take back my life.  However, if I don’t take this step, I’ll be lost forever.    Divorce will be difficult on my children, there’s no doubt about that.  Although, when you really think about it, if I stay because of them, what’s going to keep the bitterness and resentment (toward my husband and myself) at bay?  How does that help them?  How does that make things better?

I wish I could say that I was a strong enough to stay, for their sakes, but I’m not. 

I’ve chosen to take the long road toward ending my marriage, but for me, it’s the right road.

 

7/11/08  For reasons that are unknown to me, this story has garnered much interest.  I respectfully request that before posting your comments, you read all those that have come before.  Thank you. ~IWM~

6/22/11  I'm still getting questions and comments on this story...so here's how it ended.  My husband and I did separate, the kids have adapted and are actually thriving without the constant stress surrounding them.  Their dad and I co-operate and co-parent very well AND we were able to remain good friends.  We actually have a better relationship now than we did for years. 

It took a lot of hard work on both our parts...but the kids were and are our main priority......OH...one more thing, he actually likes and gets along with man who is in my life now, and all of us (the ex, the boyfriend, me, and the kids) spend most of our holidays together.  It is possible to do this people when you choose to let go of the blame and get on with the living.  ~Peace~

goddessone goddessone 41-45, F 95 Responses Jul 6, 2008

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That's okay, HWP, put the nice horsie back in the stable, but don't throw away the reigns. I know you, you'll be right back on him the minute you sense a damsel in distress. It's who you are and we both know it.<br />
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JynMeyer, we do sound very much alike. It's fun being the bad guy isn't it? Oh yes, and let's not forget about devastating our husbands. BUT....5 CHILDREN!! My hat goes off to you. I'm whining and worrying about supporting myself and 2 kids. You are an amazing woman. I wish you well. Love and Light ~IWM~

Thanks everyone for your heartfelt posts here. I am thinking of leaving my husband and I am wracked with guilt. I don't want to hurt him or my son! But I am suffocating in this marriage. <br />
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I liked the comment about a PARTNER as opposed to a spouse. My husband is not a partner to me on any level. We are like roommates. As he feels me slipping away, he is trying to get close again, but it's too late for me.<br />
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How do you deal with the guilt of knowing you're going to hurt other people by your decision?

I can understand what you are going through. I left my husband because I felt that I deserved better than what I had. My husband was a compulsive liar and he use to walk around the house with an attitude and not talking to me at all wtf.

As a man who's wife left him for similarly trivial reasons, I would ask that you think more deeply. The pain that I and my children have gone through is intense. She wanted to find herself, have an affair or two ... but at what cost. <br />
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Marriage is a solemn vow. I'm not a conservative, nor religious, but I believe that certain things are sacred. Commitment is not something to be taken lightly.<br />
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I'm sorry, iwantmore, but your moniker says it all. Selfish.<br />
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John

Iwantmore,<br />
<br />
I am a guy, but I knowexactly how you feel....<br />
<br />
Just like you, I am not willing to live a life of unhappiness and emotional deprivation for the sake of my children.....<br />
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I love my children more than anything. I can't think of anything that I would not do for them.<br />
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But I think you are reaching the wrong conclusion.....<br />
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I do not know your life, your husband, your situation and I cannot judge.<br />
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But I want honestly and sincerely help, because I have been and sometimes find myself in the same emotional crossroads that you are. <br />
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Please do yourself a favor: Read the book "The Divorce Remedy". If not for it, I would be divorced today.<br />
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Trust me, my situation and my marriage were very rocky when I came accross this book.<br />
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I had already decided to divorce, and I was shopping for attorneys.<br />
<br />
I am giving my marriage another try, and I am glad I am doing it.<br />
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You cannot imagine how frequent your situation is. And it may be that your husband is a great guy and you are a great gal who truly love each other.<br />
<br />
For the sake of your children, I am asking you one favor: Read the book<br />
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Best of luck to you. May God bless and inspire you.

I find that even the fact that you're brave enough to share this story with all of us, is just something to applaud.<br />
<br />
I'd like to let you know, that by getting a divorce, and not staying just because of your kids, is the right thing to do. And I'm glad you see that.<br />
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I am a child of divorce, and have been going through it all for 3 months. My Mother stayed longer for the sake of us kids, but it did no good. It made my Father so bitter that he ended up assaulting her, punching her in the face right in front of me.<br />
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I am so glad that you've decided to do the right thing.<br />
My heart and mind are with you.

Why don't you go on vacation--alone. It will give you distance, time to think and you'll probably meet new friends.

Unless there is some form of abuse, It is better to at least try to fix it before scrapping it. There are two sides to every story and they are both sad tales, whichever makes no difference. Marriage is highs and lows..and vows should be taken more seriously. Help is available to those that want help and it does work. Can't anybody stay together anymore?

Oh my dear iwantmore,<br />
<br />
I only wish I could impart my last four years worth of experience to you now. You've been blessed with wisdom from .socman45 and drakakis and lala60610. Please read their posts over and over again. Lala specifies that you take a little pilgrimage alone. Maybe she's saying, "without influence from others." I'm a 44 yr. old guy, divorced 4 years ago; kids 12, 14 & 16. Their mom is great and I'm a great dad. The kids seem fine. But. There is a hole in their hearts, my heart and mom's heart. Divorce is not natural. None of us is ok, really. We do our best, and get along, but... It doesn't work. Nothing is easy. Life is hard. Divorce seems like a fix. It is not. Look, even if it takes years of painful counseling and compromise; believe me, that's easier than a divorce! (by orders of magnitude) As you realize intellectually, your feelings (now) are not the only ones which will be affected. Please consider facing the demons, the pain, the loss of whatever you feel you lost, the fear. And go through it. It's not an American idea, or popular, but I wish we would have done it. If you're in an abusive relationship (honestly); than I say bail - now. If not, and you're just unhappy; please consider reconciliation. Love and my best wishes, I am soldier.

Soldati,<br />
Oh, what a truley wonderful piece of wisdom you have shared. <br />
I also have been married before-2 times! I am almost 50 now and most of my friends have divorced.<br />
NONE of them are better for it[even the ones that did not have children].<br />
2 I can think of were exteremly abused and took them 15 years to understand this, and leave the relationship....those 2 women are doing much better.<br />
The hole that is left in everyones heart is so big, it can never be filled, and no amount of counselling can justify the split.<br />
What can I say to what you have so wisely said except, when one chooses to leave...they still have to take themselves, and that is the biggest part of the problem.

Dear Socman,<br />
I’m going to address your comment as best I know how. Given that I am responding in the moment, I don’t have the opportunity to take lessons and make it the absolute best.<br />
Here goes…<br />
iwantmore.....more than what? more than a stable home or a loving husband? more than wonderful kids and a family to comfort you? more than washing dishes and doing laundry for 3-# other people? more than the dull existence that comes with sticking with a marriage because you feel like you have to because you made a commitment and now you're bored and don't want to stay committed?<br />
<br />
<b>You are basing the above statement on only one story. Feel free to pm me and I will send you links to which point out things like the fact that I live in a sexless marriage, which in and of itself is difficult at best. Please, walk in my shoes, and live a life of no intimacy. Sex between a husband and wife is not about getting your rocks off, it’s a way of showing love and affection. My husband’s opinion differs on that matter. So, instead of compromise, we do it his way. </b><br />
<br />
<b>Also, please try living 20+ years with someone who cannot say they love you, even after you’ve given birth to children. Oh, and don’t let me forget, I was bleeding out when my second child was born, I almost died. That might have been a good time to say something that even closely resembles “I love you.” Again, we did it my husband’s way.</b><br />
<br />
from what you said: "While not the best wife, I was the best I knew how to be. While not the best mother, I am a good one. Everything I do is out of love for my family. The problem is, when all is said and done, there was nothing left for me."<br />
<br />
I understand your feelings. However I disagree with them. I believe divorce is necessary in certain circumstances, but not just because you feel like you don't have what you want. You said "while not the best wife, I was the best I knew how to be" - and in that sentence you contradict yourself. Because if you weren't the best wife, and you said it yourself, then there's no way you could have been the best you could be. In the first part of that sentence, you state your comprehension that you could have done more, that you could have been better, because you weren't the best. And then you essentially lie and say that you were the best you could be, the best you knew how to be, when you already acknowledged that you hadn't been the best...<br />
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<b>That’s right; I was the best wife I knew how to be. That in no way implies that during that time I didn’t try to improve and be a better wife, so please do not make that assumption.<br />
Show me a real life woman who is THE BEST WIFE. She doesn’t exist, we are human and therefore, flawed.</b><br />
<br />
<b>I’m barely holding my temper right now; I try to respond to all comments both positive and negative in a ladylike manner. However, I do not appreciate that you are ESSENTIALLY CALLING ME A LIAR. Especially when you are dealing with semantics.</b><br />
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I'm not trying to be a jerk. I understand that life is hard, marriage is hard, and feeling like you have no purpose is the worst. But giving up, especially when other people are involved, is not really going to solve anything either. You'll just go from feeling trapped and not knowing where you are to feeling free and Really not knowing where you are, or what you're doing.<br />
<br />
<b>I’m sorry that you feel as though I’m giving up, but again, live my life. Experience constant rejection from the one who is supposed to love you most. How would you feel if you were crying your eyes out, deep …heart wrenching sobs and be ignored by your spouse. There is a story that goes into more detail about that too.</b><br />
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And the problem is that all you're doing is listening to your feelings. I'm not happy...I'm not fulfilled...I'm not doing anything with my life....I don't feel special...I don't feel this and that....<br />
<br />
<b>Yes, I am paying attention to my feelings. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have married, I would have entered into a business partnership instead.</b><br />
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Have you ever felt like something is not going to be good but then done it anyways? Or decided not to do something because you were afraid and then later actually tried it? And then when you forget your feelings and focus on just doing the thing you know you have to do you feel better about it later, or even immediately afterwards....<br />
<b>The answer to the above is both yes and no……</b><br />
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I know you'll say, "Well that's what I felt about leaving my husband." When in fact, isn't that really what you felt about not leaving your husband? Staying in marriage was more frightening to you than leaving.<br />
<br />
<b>Right, staying in a marriage where I have a nice home, and a man who is a good father to my children are so much scarier than leaving. I mean really, finding a full time job, and all the other responsibilities that will now be my own instead of shared is not scary at all. Please, Socman….if you’re going to judge me so swiftly, you can also give me the benefit of the doubt.</b><br />
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Just some thoughts off the top of my head. I don't mean to offend, I just hate it when people follow instincts or emotions instead of using their head.<br />
<b>I understand and respect that.</b><br />
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Your writing is beautiful and your ex<x>pressions are deep, and I'm sorry if I have interpreted your message wrongly. But these are my feelings and unless there is something horrible like abuse or cheating going on then I don't really understand why you want to leave your family except for the fact that you don't FEEL like it's where you want to be.<br />
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<b>I hope that I have been able to clear a few things up for you. If not, I am sorry too. I guess we’ll have to agree to disagree.</b><br />
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If you want more, you don't have to leave your family to get it. I'm sure your family loves you enough where they would be happy for you if you pursued activities, a business, a hobby, a social movement, a job, or whatever else you needed to do to feel special. Perhaps you just aren't getting the love you need from your husband and that's understandable, but I didn't see anything about counseling in your message, which I would recommend if you have issues.<br />
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<b>I have many activities and interests to engage my mind and my time, but thank you for the suggestion. No, I am not getting the love that I need from my husband, but while I didn’t mention counseling in my story, I did in one of my comments. Would you like to know how many times we have gone that route?</b><br />
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peace and god bless. I won't hold it against you if you decide to get divorced. marriage isn't for everybody.<br />
<b>Peace and God Bless to you. Thank you for not holding divorce against me. It’s so nice of you to allow me my life. Please, I’m open to constructive criticism, but not judgment couch in what is supposed to appear as concern.</b><br />
<br />
<b>~IWM~</b>

OH, iwantmore, I so feel for you, I feel your pain.<br />
But what will you 'do' when you leave?<br />
What and why, do you think you will feel better?<br />
<br />
Also[just wondering], can you really find any lasting happiness at the expense of you kids?<br />
This is what I found. It was a verbally abusive relationship. And I became depressed, and thought it was all his fault. Thought that if I were away from him my life would have meaning again. <br />
Now, looking back 15 years ago, and the damage I left behind in so many ways for leaving, it didnt pay off.<br />
I sooooo feel for you.<br />
I wish there was the answer.<br />
I only know to pray, ask God for wisdom.

drakakis, I invite you too to read my other stories before judging my reasons for breaking up a family and 20 year marriage as trivial.

iwantmore, did you ever see the movie 'The Hours'?

Sarah,<br />
I am so sorry for what you have lived through. No child should ever experience what you did. I hope and pray that, in time, you can heal.<br />
~IWM~

iwantmore, did you ever see the movie 'The Hours'?

oops...I have no idea how that entered in 2 times!! :(

Ladies and Gentelmen,<br />
<br />
I want to thank you all for your insight and your comments. However, many (not all) of who do not agree with my decision, have decided to be my judge and jury...you've tried my case and found me lacking. That's okay, as this is an open forum and you are allowed, encouraged even to express your opinions. <br />
<br />
I have but one simple request, the next time you feel compelled to judge one so harshly, look at their profile, read their stories, and try to get a better picture of their life.<br />
<br />
There are many here on EP who are hurt and broken, those who have sunk into a pit and have no way of getting out. You........ we........ have no idea as to who they are. Harsh comments and judgements may do them more harm than good. <br />
<br />
I wish you all peace and joy, love and light. <br />
<br />
~IWM~

Holy crap Holy crap Holy crap. Wow the judgmental types are out in full force today. Must be a full moon.<br />
<br />
Since IWM has so graciously and maturely responded in detail, I will for once choose the path of brevity...<br />
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<br />
Dear socman and the 4 comments after: the fact that you come into a single post and respond with insensitive snap judgments is appalling and you should be ashamed of yourselves. Try reading a little background before passing your judgment. Do you really think this one single post is IWM's ENTIRE life story? Does your penchant for snap judgments automatically assume this woman hasn't taken everything you've said into account over and over and over LONG before reaching her decision?<br />
<br />
As a quick sidebar: If people used their head instead of their emotions there would be a lot less marriages in the first place, so your comment is, to put it kindly, misguided.<br />
<br />
All of your comments are based on your beliefs on the concept of marriage and have no basis in the specifics of IWM's life.<br />
<br />
I appreciate that some of you speak from your experience and that you are sharing these thoughts with the best intentions. But although socman has said: "I'm not trying to be a jerk", sadly that is exactly what each of you has succeeded in doing.

Have you discussed this issue with your husband? Could it be that like you he feels trapped in this marriage, but is just not talking it over with you? Maybe together you can rekindle the flame which due to everyday life is dying out. My dh and I passed through such a difficult situation, but after working out our difficulties and differences, our marriage is as strong as ever and grows stronger every day.<br />
Having said that, in your heart you know what is best and I wish you and your family to find true happiness.

dear before you mke that decision, please take it easy. it is true that you are the only ie ho will be able to make that decision but i want to remind you of another friend who is there to listen to you. yes ... that's right Jesus... others may disagree but try Him. i may not no why you are having issues with your husband but He does and he knows exactly what you ought to do. divorce is certainly not an option especially given the fact this does not seem to be an abusive or infidelity... boredom is not the reason... remember those times you loved him... spend time thinking abt them and how they meant to you. ask God to hep you mend your marriage... psalm 127:1 excdept the lord build thee house, they labour in vain who build... take heart sweety and hold on. i ll pray for you and sincerely wish you the very best

Terliz, No I have not seen the movie "The Hours", but know the basic plot line. I'm going to leave it at that.<br />
<br />
Mamaliese, yes, my husband and I have discussed the issue, to know avail. Thank you for your thoughts.<br />
<br />
c4c, thank you for your thoughts and prayers.<br />
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<B>I've just taken a look at some of your profiles, and I have a question. Why is it that all almost all a you who possess a yellow boxed, blue headed avatar also have an empty profile? I would think that those of you who are so free with your comments and judgements would proude to be seen? Is there a reason that you are hiding?</B>

HWP and LWAV, saying thank you for the love and support that you both have shown me since my first days here on EP hardly expresses the depth of my feelings. <br />
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Your friendship means the world to me, and I am blessed to count you among my friends.<br />
<br />
With my most heartfelt gratitude,<br />
~IWM~

BH, I'm not going to report the thread as their are comments here that I believe will help other people. <br />
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I am embarrassed to say, however, that it took me until this morning to notice the empty avatars. I guess some people have way too much time on their hands.<br />
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You know that I have no desire to sink to the depths of judgemental and childish behavior. It is my hope that I have remained within those limits of acting and reacting as a lady should.<br />
<br />
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Scubbsep, you made me cry, in a good way. You too, deserve more.<br />
<br />
<br />
From the bottom of my heart, I thank you all.

Ok I stared reading all this crap from some ppl that have never talked to you and never spent time with you have never walked a mile in your shoes have never been in your house........<br />
<br />
Now coming from someone that has been thir got the tee shirt wore it out burnt it and moved on you ppl have no clue to what is going on with IWM so take your **** someplace else and play your dumm damn games......

OK, BH....you're right....I'll report them/him/her....whatever.......<br />
<br />
Redman, my other Knight in Shining Armor....I thank you too....

If I may, I'd actually like to comment on the story.<br />
<br />
<i>I haven't done anything wrong.</i> Absolutely correct. <i> I lived my life as best I was able.</i> This in itself MAKES you the best wife and best mother simply because <i>Everything I do is out of love for my family. </i><br />
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<i>I struggle everyday with my decision to leave my husband and take back my life. Divorce will be difficult on my children, there's no doubt about that. Although, when you really think about it, if I stay because of them, what's going to keep the bitterness and resentment (toward my husband and myself) at bay? How does that help them? How does that make things better?</i> This is the core question. The answer is simple: It doesn't help or make things better. Children are smart and sensitive. They KNOW something is wrong. As long as you continue to go through this process with sensitivity and maturity THAT is what your children will take with them. This idea many people have that marriage itself is more important than the reasons to be married is based in religious brainwashing and has no place in anyone's real life. You do not need me or anyone else to tell you that you have done everything you can to save your marriage and your sanity. You do not need me or anyone else to tell you that you are making the healthiest decision for yourself and your children in the long run. But what the hell, I'll say it anyway: Knowing the process you have gone through to make this decision, I can unabashedly say, You are doing the right thing.

I know from experiance how hard divorce is on everyone involved, but I do want to be supportive of you, and do want you to know that just from talking to you, you are doing the right thing for yourself, and for your family. And you are doing it with as much dignity, and caring as possible, don't listen to those people who could never understand what it is like to live in an unhealthy marriage, and to have to deal with the pain of doing so. Even though you don't need me to say so I support you and your decision, and will always be there as your friend if you need to talk.<br />
Keyna

Iwantmore,<br />
<br />
I feel your pain, and I can put myself in your shoes and I would probably do the same thing, maybe even sooner....<br />
<br />
But I respectfully ask you. Read the book "The divorce Remedy: The proven 7 step program for saving your marriage" by Michelle Weiner Davis. <br />
<br />
I thought that my marriage was completely broken and my decision was ireversible.<br />
<br />
I am only trying to help. <br />
<br />
I wish you the best and I will pray for you and your family, regardless of the outcome of this situation.<br />
<br />
May peace be with you.

Good Grief, it took me 30 minutes to get through all of the posts! This is what I get for not being able to log on for several days...ugh! LOL<br />
<br />
IWM, I do believe that all of the judgemental comments directed at you came from the same person--the writing style is the same, and what they say is essentially the same. I applaud you for choosing to leave the comments in place on this thread. That alone shows a level of wisdom and maturity that those of us that know you adore in you. :)<br />
<br />
As far as the decision you have made, I made that decision for myself and my children once before. Despite the fact that I had every reason to leave, I still struggled with whether or not I should. It was an extremely difficult process all the way through, and still has had moments sometimes, but ultimately I know that it was far better to leave and seek a better example of living life to show my children. Far better that they see how life should be lived, than how life should not be lived. Of course, that is just my humble opinion and nothing more than that. <br />
<br />
You are one of the most beautiful women here on EP. I have truly enjoyed knowing you and reading your stories and posts. You are smart, witty, caring, and warm and that is something to really be proud of, especially in this day and age. I wish you all the best in your journey ahead. :) <br />
<br />
(((HUGS)))<br />
D2L