Insight From My Kitchen......
I woke up today and was surprised by the urge to cook. While I enjoy cooking and love see my friends and family enjoy what I’ve made, the desire hasn't been there for quite some time. I’ve got my staple weeknight meals that I know everyone in the house will eat, but they become stale after time. (Kind of like my life and marriage)
Lately cooking (again, like life and marriage) has become a chore. I’m a vegetarian now, and have not asked my family to follow the same path as I. So, now along with tuna steaks, chicken caccitore, and tacos, I need to make a substantial salad or an extra side dish that I normally wouldn’t have bothered with. It’s a pain, but I chose this lifestyle, my family didn’t.
So, for the first time in a long time, I wanted to cook just for the hell of it. I didn’t feel like following my grandmother’s recipe for marinara sauce that is ingrained in my memory, nor did I want to make my favorite recipe for chicken with artichokes. I wanted to create. Some of my best meals are a result of letting my mind wander as I haphazardly gather ingredients.
I went outside to the herb garden and picked what felt right. I rummaged through the refrigerator, randomly grabbing items at will. I let my mind drift the entire time, not really paying attention to my thoughts and where they were going, but observing the fact that they were there.
I don’t remember if I was mincing chives or cleaning out the inside of a spaghetti squash, but all of a sudden, I was faced with a sudden insight. I’ve been struggling through my marriage and life lately, trying to figure out what I did wrong. Who am I and how did I get here? What did I do to deserve this life I’m living?
The answer to those questions is a simple one. I haven’t done anything wrong. I lived my life as best I was able. While not the best wife, I was the best I knew how to be. While not the best mother, I am a good one. Everything I do is out of love for my family. The problem is, when all is said and done, there was nothing left for me.
I struggle everyday with my decision to leave my husband and take back my life. However, if I don’t take this step, I’ll be lost forever. Divorce will be difficult on my children, there’s no doubt about that. Although, when you really think about it, if I stay because of them, what’s going to keep the bitterness and resentment (toward my husband and myself) at bay? How does that help them? How does that make things better?
I wish I could say that I was a strong enough to stay, for their sakes, but I’m not.
I’ve chosen to take the long road toward ending my marriage, but for me, it’s the right road.
7/11/08 For reasons that are unknown to me, this story has garnered much interest. I respectfully request that before posting your comments, you read all those that have come before. Thank you. ~IWM~
6/22/11 I'm still getting questions and comments on this story...so here's how it ended. My husband and I did separate, the kids have adapted and are actually thriving without the constant stress surrounding them. Their dad and I co-operate and co-parent very well AND we were able to remain good friends. We actually have a better relationship now than we did for years.
It took a lot of hard work on both our parts...but the kids were and are our main priority......OH...one more thing, he actually likes and gets along with man who is in my life now, and all of us (the ex, the boyfriend, me, and the kids) spend most of our holidays together. It is possible to do this people when you choose to let go of the blame and get on with the living. ~Peace~