Unmerry-go-round: A Ride On Confusion And Heartache

My husband and I are in a very confusing space right now. It seems like we both want something different and better, but we both don't want to let go. I don't want to let go. Still living together is rough because I'm a Woman and I have needs, he's a Man and he has needs. I was really down and depressed the other night and I couldn't stop crying, I went to my room and climbed into bed. My husband saw me crying and asked me if I had taken my medication.... as if my anxiety has anything to do with my feelings being hurt by all of this. I told him that I had been off of my medication for a couple of weeks, and I don't take it on the regular like I should, I've also been drinking a bit more and that's not necessarily good for me. I told him that I was just stressed out, really the stress was heartbreak, I mean what wife wants to hear her husband tell her that if he stays with her his life will be cut short. He stuck the knife in and twisted it, and I still love him deeply, sometimes I think about it and I feel winded, and like someone is sitting on my rib cage.

Anyway, I took my meds and tried to calm down, but there are so many memories of how we were, and I began to wonder if it was all a lie. What happened? Did he suddenly wake up and realize that he could do better than me? I always thought that he was so sweet and kind, and I was mean and hard on him, but that was just a reaction to how he used to treat me. When we were first dating I lived for the next time that I would see him again, and then he turned on me. We both did rotten things to one another and I believe that we both regret it, but there were those moments when we couldn't keep our hands off of each other and that's what I want to hold on to. So after taking my meds, I tried to sleep, but I kept tossing and turning, waking up, having nightmares, and waking up again screaming for my husband like a little girl. he came rushing into the room and I told him that I couldn't sleep and that I kept having nightmares and that I was scared. Like a little girl. He was understanding and compassionate, he climbed into bed with me and rubbed my back, held me tight, kissed my forehead, and comforted me. He knows how hurtful and painful this has all been for me.

While he was holding me, and reassuring me that I was safe, I just came out with it and told him. I told him that I didn't want a divorce and that I didn't want him to go. Who else was going to be that understanding of my anxiety, and what I go through at night like that? He told me that he was going through a lot and that he didn't know what was up with him. He told me that he didn't really want to leave me and our family either, but there were things that he wanted out of the marriage and me that he feels that he didn't get. I tried to understand what he was saying, I tried to exercise patience, but I wanted him to know how much I really need him. I won't lie, I have my pride and I don't want to come off desperate, it's just that I know that I'm NOT going to be happy seeing the guy that I've been in love with since I was a girl with someone else. I met this man when I was 10 years old, I grew up around him and his family, his sister was my best friend, I used to wish and hope to be with him, we've know each other for over 15 years, we've been together for 8 years, married for 6 years, 3 pregnancies, 2 babies and 1 miscarriage, five moves, and all of the ups and downs that came with it. Should I really let some so-called (childish) 'crush' take my life from me? NO!

We talked, until the early AM and we just held each other, which led to kissing, which led to other things, and he kept asking me if I really wanted that. I was confused again, but I wanted to be with him and I wanted my needs met, and I wanted to force the other woman out of his mind. I figured even if it was just sex that we could still share a moment of comfort and both feel better for the moment. I needed a release in more ways than one, I've been very frustrated in our sexless marriage so much that even thinking about it makes me want to tear down the walls around me in anger. He just kept telling me that he didn't want to hurt me, and him saying that to me actually hurt me, because I never thought that my husband and I would be married and having "meaningless sex". However, like the song says, Get It While You Can, and that's what I did, and sadly.... it was quick and terrible. Oh, it was Grrreat for him, he enjoyed himself for sure and was very pleased, he wanted to know if I enjoyed it and I lied to him and myself by telling him that I did.

GOD Please Forgive me for lying and being dishonest. I just didn't want to ruin it by telling him that I wasn't satisfied. I guess the best part about it was that I was able to sleep better and that he looked after the children until it was time for him to leave for work. I had a really funny dream, so hilarious that I could hear myself laughing in my sleep and woke up laughing. I actually woke up happy even though the sex sucked. So.

Later on that night I called him, and we talked and he loved what we did so much that he wanted me to talk about it. I didn't realized until he asked me what he like in bed, that he was fantasizing while he was at work about being with me. I told him that I knew he like this and that, and he got turned on and told me to keep going. I kept talking until I had to lay down, so I went into our bedroom and climbed into bed and kept talking to him. I eventually fell asleep and my children woke up and ended up coming into my room and falling asleep in the bed with me. Something happens almost all of the time. I woke up in the middle of the night as always, and I couldn't sleep so I called my husband, and he also had just awaken and I told him that I couldn't sleep. The truth is that I don't like to sleep at night without him there in bed with me, not in a sexual sense, but because he my Best Friend and he holds me and makes me feel like it's okay to turn to him when I'm scared. I know it seems childish, but it's been that way ever since our house was broken into several months ago. I really miss him when he's away and so do the children.

When he came home, I got up and rushed to the door and threw my arms around him and kissed him. I told him how glad I was to see him and that he was home. I had a headache so I went back to sleep and he watch the children. We talked so more this evening about things, and he said that he doesn't want to leave and that we have a lot to work out. I brought up counseling and I told him that I love him, but I don't want him to stay with me out of pity or obligation. I know that he feels guilty, and that a feeling that my husband would rather not deal with under any circumstances. I don't want him to stay with me out of guilt either, I want him to only stay because he's in love with me and doesn't want to lose me. I don't want him to stay because he doesn't want to be lonely or without someone to have sex with. I don't even want him to stay because it's the right thing to do. I want him to stay because he is desperately and madly in love with me and only me.

At the same time, I'm getting tired. I'm tired of chasing him and waking him up to come to bed when he falls asleep on the couch. I'm tired of this one foot in, one foot out attitude he seems to have. I wish he would just forget about that woman and take me away somewhere and make me feel like the woman of his dreams. Am I asking too much?
I looked online and I saw a house that I liked that I want us to buy, and just start all over. I want us to go away together and just start all over. Maybe ask my parents to keep the children for the weekend and run away together. Maybe rent a car and go to Vegas and renew our vows. I don't know, am I asking too much? Am I being selfish? There's just too many emotions and memories that my heart is attached to, have I jumped from being in Denial to Bargaining? I read up on the whole divorce process and the 5 stages of grief, blah blah blah.... again I don't know. Just really confused, it's a really confusing time in my life and I just want things to get better.
1LongingRose 1LongingRose
26-30, F
Dec 16, 2012