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Finally

Yesterday, I realized that it had been one year since I removed my wedding ring.  Last night was another night spent with the marriage counselor.  Last night, my husband finally gave in and said he was ready to go through with a divorce.  He even verbalized something that I have never said to him but have always felt to be true.  We met when we were both lonely and vulnerable, and married because we each filled a void...not because we were in love with each other.

In most ways, I'm relieved.  I have been getting angrier and angrier with him, and my resentment had been building.  We have a great relationship on so many levels, but just didn't seem to fit as husband and wife.  I didn't want things to turn nasty, and right this minute, it doesn't look like it will. 

We are working together with the counselor to find the best wording we can to explain what is going on to the kids.  We want to separate husband/wife from mom/dad.  We're planning on telling them on September 30.  They'll be on a short break from school then, and there will be a long enough span between then and when I go on a 10 day trip (alone) .  We need to make sure that they are as secure as possible and not think that I'm abandoning them by going on the trip.  They need to understand that our love for them is separate from how we feel about each other. The kids and their security are priority.  We are on the same page there.

It was funny, when we got home last night, I was literally shaking, I was scared, and I was crying my eyes out.  I am the one who precipitated this.  Yet, now that it's a reality, I'm sick.  My husband who didn't want the marriage to end was happy as all can be.  I haven't seen him this happy in years.  I knew that he wasn't happy in our marriage, although, he did not.  Hopefully, he will be able to find some peace and happiness of his own.

In spite of all the emotions pouring through me, I know in my heart and soul that this is what is best for him and for me.  Since we are in 100% agreement that the kids take priority, I think they'll come out of this okay too. 

I hope so, I really do........

goddessone goddessone 41-45, F 78 Responses Sep 5, 2008

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Hi

Yep if a relationship makes you feel liek yorue the only one making any sort of effort., It is time to go. ëxcusers"just start making bigger excuses for themselves and a bigger hole to hide in.

Dear Goddesone,<br />
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I hope you both will be strong to go and get through this decision.<br />
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One key thing, as a piece of advise, do not go on your trip alone, that period you are planning to tell your kids is a crucial one, if you want some time-out, take them with you, you'll have plenty of time to be able to find yourself, but that won't be exactly the right moment to do it.<br />
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Do you know how it feels as you walk your way through divorce? It's the same feeling as death. Yes, as bad as it sounds. The same will be for your husband. No matter if he's cheering up now, he'll hit bottom. If that's what he wants, his desire will momentarily intoxicate him and then reality will strike and hit real bad.<br />
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Be prepared, because no matter how civilized your arrangement and communication with your kids will be, at different ages, different reactions will be observed on your kids.<br />
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There's great help and resources available, "Putting Children First" by JoAnne Pedro-Carroll is a good reference.<br />
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Build a support system, family, friends, and have a solid communication with your future ex. Understand it's your/his choice and truth is there's nothing really bonding you for the rest of your lives and of course if it's so then it's best to leave.<br />
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But, your relationship with him does not end here, you both need to understand that it will morph into one where you both need to stay focused on your family, where even without a contract will continue to be a family, the difference is that you both won't be sleeping together if you like to see it this way.<br />
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Success and pray God.

Wow! _i do admire your courage and honesty_the fact ,tat as you knew tat your marriage was no longer making you happy_thou uv tired_now ur letting it go,shows how brave you are_its true,everyone is entitled to a happyness_<br />
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Just so u do know, I am deeply in a unhappy marriage situation myself_nothings left,Yet for Fear ov not being able to financially be able to survive_i remain

Im glad u sorted out youre diffrence with youre husband. <br />
How old r ure kids?? My parents are divorced and im still finding it hard. Just make sure u explain it to them properly so they know and that they always can come to you because my parents dint really tell me much as i was young but even know i still havent discussed it with them at all. That is the reason im finding it hard to deal with

Glad you're in agreement, that's the key. I joined a divorcecare (.org) group & that seemed to help me. Mine is a tangled mess, but not so much financially. It feels good to know you did the right thing and sacrificed for those you love (even though it sucks if they don't return your affection).

I am glad that your divorce came about without a major stumble. I wish all of those that went this path, mine included went this smoothly

You made me miss a song. Its name is " Finally" too. I'd like to introduce to you this song. It is a nice one !!

ya know where I am in all this...I took my ring off a month ago. Ya also know where the man is on this...denial denial denial. I'd love some acceptance right about now.

Lao, what can I say to that? Nothing...sheesh...rebirth, huh? Okay, I'll buy that...hmmm interesting concept.

Just reading some of the comments, my thought is that if benevolence and compassion were given form, judgement would not be definitive of its essence. We tend to make judgement a definitive trait and seem to exercise it on each other and ourselves far more so than we do benevolence, kindness, understanding and compassion. Pardon me, its a sad thought, this one.<br />
I'd like to think of what you are experiencing as a rebirth. Now births are always joyful, anxiety provoking, even holy s*** experiences - quite similar really and they are a celebration of life - living captured in a nutshell (the emotional gamut anyway). Only this time, you don't have to wait eighteen years to drink and get a driver's licence (LOL).

Yes, Lady it does.<br />
<br />
Wishing you peace and harmony in return.

Wow Tense, thank you. <br />
<br />
For the most part, I do okay on EP. I've been criticized before, but usually it's constructive criticism. Sometimes it's caused me to look at things from a different perspective, others not. It does help to see situations from both sides of the coin though.<br />
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On the other hand, there is a certain group of people who have latched onto some of my stories and constantly try to beat me down.<br />
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In my mind, there is only one being who has a right to judge me and my actions...as for the rest, well, in the end, they too will be judged. Whether they will have been found wanting or not, is not for me to say.

Hi IDM. Hang in there. This site can be quite tough at times. I posted a confesion a few weeks back and received some repsonses which felt like a slap in the face. The fact of the matter is, we don't know what is better for our kids in the long run. For all we know, leaving our spouses could be the reason they turn out to be brilliant scientists or, conversly, drop-outs. Maybe they would have turned out that way either way.<br />
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All we can do is our best. You sound like a very reasonable and well balanced person doing her best with a very difficult situation. Take care IDM.

Hello,<br />
I will advice you to hold on to your marriage and also allow Jesus Christ to come in to your family. because i know the both of love your selfs, do those things that made him to choose you as hes number one woman in hes life, i wan't you to put on your thinking cap, May God almighty bless your marriage in jesus name. I SAY A BIG AMEN.

Tense, I've worried about that myself (him not knowing how bitter he is yet)

Your story is almost identical to mine. Good luck with your life, and your journey. The worst thing any human being can do, is marry for the wrong reasons. Your story is entitled 'Finally'. It has not even started. I wish you well. Just be careful; he doesn't even know how really bitter he feels yet. All the best.

young? no jk, I'm far from young.

you must all be young women. take it from an oldster, the grass is not greener on the other side. been there done that. as long as there is no abuse in any form then work on the marraige to make it right. in this throw away society we end up throwing out such good stuff.including people. it's a shame. the kids will not adjust well especially when other mates come into the picture. if you really love and want what's best for the kids then MAKE it work. you loved him enough to marry him.

Okay, to my friends who are "sticking up for me"...I say thank you, but it's not necessary. <br />
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Everyone is welcome to their own opinion, even though many of the opinions expressed here are judgmental and based on my avatar and this one story.<br />
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I'm going to make myself clear about one thing, and one thing only. We are working closely with our counselor to make sure that the fall out from this divorce has the least impact possible on our children.<br />
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Period. The End.

Wow... I just popped in to catch up on the story thread and I am seeing so much judgement!!! <br />
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Rick--I doubt very much that you know IDM from anything but this story, so you have no right to judge her so harshly. Until you know how she has struggled with this decision, and until you have struggled with it yourself, might I suggest that your judgement be better reserved for yourself before you judge others??<br />
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Mitch&Maureen, I admit I had to scroll back to see the "story" you were referring to. As a child of divorce, after watching my brother go through similar circumstances at the same age between his parents, I can tell you that while you believe your story is true, I am certain there are extenuating circumstances beyond what you know for your nephew's downfall. You have no right to judge IDM or HWP. And to make such a crude comment referring to their avatars only shows a certain lack of consideration and maturity on your part. <br />
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I am highly disappointed to see such harsh judgement out of both of you on a site that is supposed to be open and accepting to all ideals. IDM does deserve better than what she was getting, and her children deserve to see the example of their mother being happy so that they know that it is okay to seek their own happiness!!<br />
<br />
D2L

~ newly separted here ideservemore ~<br />
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I'm with you in thought and spirit. Best wishes!

IDM, curious to know what the councilor suggested you say to your kids.

lol......no one is bitter here...........people sometimes just dont like to hear about the hardships they create on others sometimes. I just speak from experience here being on all ends of this situation. I wish you the best in regards to your children.

I'm sorry Rick, I missed the part of the story where I said the reason I'm divorcing my husband was because the marriage/relationship was boring.<br />
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HWP...thank you...

Then I'll say it: Rick, you are an ignorant person. What experience do you have in abuse? Do you really think that refusing love, physical, spiritual, and emotional is not abuse? I feel sorry for YOU. But then again, ignorance is bliss, so I guess you are a very happy person. That must be the thing that gives you the right to judge others.

When will parents understand that relationships, can be fixed if they become "boring."<br />
<br />
Sorry son or daughter..you suffered early in life because your father or mother couldnt stay together because they were "boring" me?!!<br />
Thats a hell of a thing to say to a child growing up who has questions about why mommy or daddy did not spend the time they needed with them......

Holy Crap Rick....you do not have the right to judge me based on one single story. I have so much more to say, but I will remain a lady and allow you live in your wonderful yet bitter world.<br />
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I wish you well on your journey to happiness.

wow its very clear that your just looking for some sympathy , while leaving out the fact that you cheated on your husband, for not trying to fix a marriage and taking responsibility. If he did not physically or verbally abuse you, nor manipulate you then you should have given the marriage a chance. Seems obvious that you went into counseling half assed. I truly feel sympathy for your children who will have to suffer. Just speaking from experience and from the heart.

Apparently the boring father was so boring he couldn't give any emotional support to his son. Oh, sorry, it's all Mom's fault. How dare she want to be happy. As a matter of fact, let's strike that whole "pursuit of happiness" thing out of the declaration of independence. What were those selfish idiots thinking?

Mitch and Maureen, not everyone's experience is so drastic and unappealing. What about married couples that have had the COURAGE to admit that they just don't belong together and both ended up finding their perfect mates AND a healthy respect for one another? Wanting more is not the problem, going about achieving more in a way that's not beneficial is.