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Finally

Yesterday, I realized that it had been one year since I removed my wedding ring.  Last night was another night spent with the marriage counselor.  Last night, my husband finally gave in and said he was ready to go through with a divorce.  He even verbalized something that I have never said to him but have always felt to be true.  We met when we were both lonely and vulnerable, and married because we each filled a void...not because we were in love with each other.

In most ways, I'm relieved.  I have been getting angrier and angrier with him, and my resentment had been building.  We have a great relationship on so many levels, but just didn't seem to fit as husband and wife.  I didn't want things to turn nasty, and right this minute, it doesn't look like it will. 

We are working together with the counselor to find the best wording we can to explain what is going on to the kids.  We want to separate husband/wife from mom/dad.  We're planning on telling them on September 30.  They'll be on a short break from school then, and there will be a long enough span between then and when I go on a 10 day trip (alone) .  We need to make sure that they are as secure as possible and not think that I'm abandoning them by going on the trip.  They need to understand that our love for them is separate from how we feel about each other. The kids and their security are priority.  We are on the same page there.

It was funny, when we got home last night, I was literally shaking, I was scared, and I was crying my eyes out.  I am the one who precipitated this.  Yet, now that it's a reality, I'm sick.  My husband who didn't want the marriage to end was happy as all can be.  I haven't seen him this happy in years.  I knew that he wasn't happy in our marriage, although, he did not.  Hopefully, he will be able to find some peace and happiness of his own.

In spite of all the emotions pouring through me, I know in my heart and soul that this is what is best for him and for me.  Since we are in 100% agreement that the kids take priority, I think they'll come out of this okay too. 

I hope so, I really do........

goddessone goddessone 41-45, F 78 Responses Sep 5, 2008

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you must all be young women. take it from an oldster, the grass is not greener on the other side. been there done that. as long as there is no abuse in any form then work on the marraige to make it right. in this throw away society we end up throwing out such good stuff.including people. it's a shame. the kids will not adjust well especially when other mates come into the picture. if you really love and want what's best for the kids then MAKE it work. you loved him enough to marry him.

young? no jk, I'm far from young.

Your story is almost identical to mine. Good luck with your life, and your journey. The worst thing any human being can do, is marry for the wrong reasons. Your story is entitled 'Finally'. It has not even started. I wish you well. Just be careful; he doesn't even know how really bitter he feels yet. All the best.

Tense, I've worried about that myself (him not knowing how bitter he is yet)

Hello,<br />
I will advice you to hold on to your marriage and also allow Jesus Christ to come in to your family. because i know the both of love your selfs, do those things that made him to choose you as hes number one woman in hes life, i wan't you to put on your thinking cap, May God almighty bless your marriage in jesus name. I SAY A BIG AMEN.

Hi IDM. Hang in there. This site can be quite tough at times. I posted a confesion a few weeks back and received some repsonses which felt like a slap in the face. The fact of the matter is, we don't know what is better for our kids in the long run. For all we know, leaving our spouses could be the reason they turn out to be brilliant scientists or, conversly, drop-outs. Maybe they would have turned out that way either way.<br />
<br />
All we can do is our best. You sound like a very reasonable and well balanced person doing her best with a very difficult situation. Take care IDM.

Wow Tense, thank you. <br />
<br />
For the most part, I do okay on EP. I've been criticized before, but usually it's constructive criticism. Sometimes it's caused me to look at things from a different perspective, others not. It does help to see situations from both sides of the coin though.<br />
<br />
On the other hand, there is a certain group of people who have latched onto some of my stories and constantly try to beat me down.<br />
<br />
In my mind, there is only one being who has a right to judge me and my actions...as for the rest, well, in the end, they too will be judged. Whether they will have been found wanting or not, is not for me to say.

Yes, Lady it does.<br />
<br />
Wishing you peace and harmony in return.

Just reading some of the comments, my thought is that if benevolence and compassion were given form, judgement would not be definitive of its essence. We tend to make judgement a definitive trait and seem to exercise it on each other and ourselves far more so than we do benevolence, kindness, understanding and compassion. Pardon me, its a sad thought, this one.<br />
I'd like to think of what you are experiencing as a rebirth. Now births are always joyful, anxiety provoking, even holy s*** experiences - quite similar really and they are a celebration of life - living captured in a nutshell (the emotional gamut anyway). Only this time, you don't have to wait eighteen years to drink and get a driver's licence (LOL).

Lao, what can I say to that? Nothing...sheesh...rebirth, huh? Okay, I'll buy that...hmmm interesting concept.

ya know where I am in all this...I took my ring off a month ago. Ya also know where the man is on this...denial denial denial. I'd love some acceptance right about now.

You made me miss a song. Its name is " Finally" too. I'd like to introduce to you this song. It is a nice one !!

I am glad that your divorce came about without a major stumble. I wish all of those that went this path, mine included went this smoothly

Glad you're in agreement, that's the key. I joined a divorcecare (.org) group & that seemed to help me. Mine is a tangled mess, but not so much financially. It feels good to know you did the right thing and sacrificed for those you love (even though it sucks if they don't return your affection).

Im glad u sorted out youre diffrence with youre husband. <br />
How old r ure kids?? My parents are divorced and im still finding it hard. Just make sure u explain it to them properly so they know and that they always can come to you because my parents dint really tell me much as i was young but even know i still havent discussed it with them at all. That is the reason im finding it hard to deal with

Wow! _i do admire your courage and honesty_the fact ,tat as you knew tat your marriage was no longer making you happy_thou uv tired_now ur letting it go,shows how brave you are_its true,everyone is entitled to a happyness_<br />
<br />
Just so u do know, I am deeply in a unhappy marriage situation myself_nothings left,Yet for Fear ov not being able to financially be able to survive_i remain

Dear Goddesone,<br />
<br />
I hope you both will be strong to go and get through this decision.<br />
<br />
One key thing, as a piece of advise, do not go on your trip alone, that period you are planning to tell your kids is a crucial one, if you want some time-out, take them with you, you'll have plenty of time to be able to find yourself, but that won't be exactly the right moment to do it.<br />
<br />
Do you know how it feels as you walk your way through divorce? It's the same feeling as death. Yes, as bad as it sounds. The same will be for your husband. No matter if he's cheering up now, he'll hit bottom. If that's what he wants, his desire will momentarily intoxicate him and then reality will strike and hit real bad.<br />
<br />
Be prepared, because no matter how civilized your arrangement and communication with your kids will be, at different ages, different reactions will be observed on your kids.<br />
<br />
There's great help and resources available, "Putting Children First" by JoAnne Pedro-Carroll is a good reference.<br />
<br />
Build a support system, family, friends, and have a solid communication with your future ex. Understand it's your/his choice and truth is there's nothing really bonding you for the rest of your lives and of course if it's so then it's best to leave.<br />
<br />
But, your relationship with him does not end here, you both need to understand that it will morph into one where you both need to stay focused on your family, where even without a contract will continue to be a family, the difference is that you both won't be sleeping together if you like to see it this way.<br />
<br />
Success and pray God.

Hi

Yep if a relationship makes you feel liek yorue the only one making any sort of effort., It is time to go. ëxcusers"just start making bigger excuses for themselves and a bigger hole to hide in.