The Martyr

DH just found out yesterday that I am no longer in love and want out.  OK, so this is all very fresh for him, but he is being an absolute martyr and making me feel like dirt for ruining his life.

He's conceding the house, the kids, the dogs, the furniture, etc.  He just wants the bed, his TV and a few plates...and his retirement funds.  He's going to get a small apartment and work on growing his business and retirement fund.  He doesn't have much income right now and he's sure the kids won't want to be with him and no woman would be interested in him.    He is just laying down and dying.  I'm trying to tell him he will be fine.  We will share expenses for awhile until we get through all this.  I'm encouraging him to take advantage of time with the kids.  I've told him that he will find a woman who loves him the way he needs to be loved.

Yes, this sucks.  I can only hope he will get past this phase and start to function as the strong and confident man I know.

doorsinmymind doorsinmymind
41-45, F
10 Responses Sep 15, 2008

The danger always lies in letting lawyers get into the act. Remember above all that it is too their financial advantage to get as much out of the settlement for their client and indirectly for themselves. The more contentious they can make the parting the more hours they can bill. <br />
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I have seen couples whose amicable split that would have cost them a mere trifle lose hundreds of thousands in legal fees. It just made the parting even more painful and solved nothing.<br />
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While most divorces are truly not amicable they can be less costly if the parties involved would make unemotional, logical decisions between them that will fairly benefit their offspring and themselves.<br />
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Step back, take a breath and try to remember what brought you both together in the first place , remembering only some of the good things, if any, and let the bad things speak for themselves as they already have done considering the action you are taking.<br />
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I have never seen a divorce action that was not made more costly by the legal actions taken. It is abject stupidity to let your emotions reach into your pocket book. What price does one set on anger or revenge. <br />
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Once the marriage is at an end, split wisely and see what can be salvaged financially to go on with your lives apart . Think of it as a new beginning and let the lawyers seek their victims elsewhere.

dreamjayme....did you ever get past the anger? My ex has turned into a total a-hole over the last few months. I never dreamed he would push me completely out of his life and say such mean and spiteful things to our kids. I keep telling them that he is angry and hurt. A lot of damage is being done. I don't think I can ever forgive him or be friendly with him again.

I was in a very similar situation as you around 3 years ago. At first he will be very conciliatory, give you anything and everything and lay himself at your feet, even attempting to "win" you back...then, when that doesn't work, the **** hits the proverbial fan. It will be ugly and some hurtful things will likely be said (or done, as was more the case with me and my ex). Stay calm and try to keep you head, remembering that even if you sincerely mean them, any mean or spiteful thing you say will come back to you. Especially if you have children. Struggle as desperately as possible to be the bigger and more mature person. You are doing this for the best for both you, your ex and your kids/family. The guilt will pass. You can not force happiness, you must seek it. My best wishes to you.

I was told that I need hard copies so that I can present the records when asked.

IDM, do you think it's enough to just have all of our records in Quicken, or do I really need to to have paper copies of everything?

Has he spoken to an lawyer yet?!!!<br />
I just went through almost getting divorced...papers are all done just need to be filed. Long story why it did not happen. BUTmy ex and i are pretty good friends, i even say best friends at times still. He had always promised me the house so i could buy a new one since i have the dogs and need a place with room for them to play. He also agreed on other important issues such as paying for healthcare for me since I have an disease and need medical care. <br />
Once the Lawyers got in on it....they and others who he worked with etc....would start in on she is taking you for a ride, why are you giving her the house!!,(like it was my idea!) than the lawyer acutally told my husband that he did not car if I ended up homeless living out of my car it was not his worry. He was to try and get as much money for my husband. My husband reminded him for the millionth time that he still loves me and cares about me and wants me to have a decent life so he is going to treat me fairly. The lawyer still kept after him to screw me over as much as possible!!<br />
I really agree with other people i have spoken with about divorce lawyers and we all feel they should have an cap on how much they can make off divorces. It could be set my percentage of the income of the couple. NOW...the longer and dirtier they get the diovrce the more money they make.<br />
SO please try and use free services, feel the papers out yourself if you do not own large items. Paralegals can help you fill out the paperwork and many know as much as the divorce lawyers since it is them that fill out the paperwork . The lawyers do nothing but talk and create chaos. <br />
I now know why people hate them so much....they are so unethical....i don't see how it is allowed. I do because lawyers are who you press complaint with, they are in the government, so you cannot get anywhere..though i am trying!

You need to take care of yourself first. Make sure that your money is safe and that you have a plan of how to deal with all the things that come up. Let's hope that he doesn't change how he is dealing with it currently. Aside from the comments made, some guys will go through this process without getting angry, hateful and/or resentful. Each situation is different. I hope yours goes well but remember to protect yourself first and foremost.

Oh damn, don't forget what I told you about the financials...and get a bank account in your name only, etc...when the love is gone, that's the one place where they can make a strong matter how distraught he is....

I too agree---we discuss doing things amicably--then he gets drunk--and bad mouths you in front of your family---and of course--when confronted-doesn't remember---aaahh! I'm so angry I could scream-unfortunately being a beyotch is not in my makeup--wish it were--this would've ended 28 years ago! Goodluck to you--you will get through it.

It will pass......anger comes next. It's easier to deal with in that it will assuage any guilt you feel.