Such a Mess

Hi, Im new to EP, but I suspect like most people here, I signed up because I just needed an outlet, some way to share. I appreciate everyone who takes the time to read and comment on other people's drama, especially mine.

I am getting a divorce. I know I am, I just havent taken the final steps yet. Im struggling with it. If you look at my experiences you'll notice Im in the "Im getting a divorce" group and the "I dont believe in divorce" group. Yes, I know. I really honestly dont believe in divorce and never could have guessed Id end up getting one until it was staring me in the face. To answer your question, I AM the one who asked for it.

Since we turned 21 (a month apart) my husband has been a heavy drinker. He would go through stages where he wouldn't drink at all, and some where he'd drink a fifth by himself. I always had hope it would get better, and some times it did. We'd have talks and fights and heart-felt sharings about it every few months. For the most part, that was really the only thing (on the surface) wrong with our marriage for a long time. When I got pregnant things changed. I dont know if it was just my attitude or hormones with the coming baby or if he just lost control due to stress. But he drank heavily a lot, we fought a lot. I begged him to change his ways before our child was born. He really didn't think it was that big a deal I guess. He would promise to quit on his terms, or compromise and cajole and wheedle his way into drinking anyways. We'd have fights on nights he was going to buy alcohol and Id cry and he'd say he would quit drinking after this, just let him have one last hoorah. He had about 50 "last hoorahs" over the last 3 years. He was at home hungover (instead of at the hospital with me) the day I had my c-section. He finally got there right as they had waited as long as they could and it became an emergency situation, because he was waiting for his laundry to get done. Am I wrong in thinking the man should have worn whatever the heck was available whether it stank or not, when the doctor called and said we have to get this baby out or they are both going to die?? I was so wrapped up in her birth and being sick of course that I dint think about this until later. I spent 10 days in the hospital and didnt even get to see her until after 3 days. I was scared to death she'd pass before I got to see her, and after that I was just plain afraid she wouldnt make it very long and saw her every 3 hours around the clock, which is all they would allow. He saw her once in the original 3 days. He spent most of the time after at home. Not working, not visiting his daughter, not staying with his wife, just at home drinking and crying about how worried he was about us. Anyways that was his pattern for the months after we brought her home too. I was so tired, so exhausted, just wanted a damn break and to spend time with my husband and for him not to wake us both up several times a night from his loud drunken partying with my brother in law. There are so many occasions I could bring up where his drinking was a problem. Even when we had no other problems there was always that. I remember our talks about it and me saying that everything else I could put up with but I could always see drinking as the thing that would cause us to divorce. I finally woke up last may when we had a fight and he said I hate you, and I want a divorce if you cant accept my drinking. He was drunk at the time of course. I knew he didnt really mean it and was just saying things out of anger, but I could not fathom any material thing being of so much importance that I would choose it over my family, for even a minute. We tried a little to work it out but it just got worse. He started waking me up in the middle of the night to fight about stupid stupid things because he was drunk and pissed. He'd yell at me and our daughter when Id ask him for a little break and could he please go put her back to sleep this time? His response would be to lose his temper and to yell and punch walls and say he had to work tomorrow and why was I waking him up? But of course thats after he'd stayed up late drinking so I couldnt understand why, if sleep was so important, he'd do that and then gripe about putting our daughter back to sleep which would take all of 10 minutes. I dunno, honestly I was so exhausted and lonely and pressured with taking care of her by that time that I know I wasnt being a good wife either. I didnt give him enough attention, didnt do enough housework, was always cranky and lackluster, didnt bother to wear nice clothes or put on makeup because I was always stuck at home breastfeeding the baby and just didnt feel there was a point when my husband spent his off days drunk or hung over and the days he worked just came home and got on the computer.

Im going on way to much about little things, I apologize. My whole point with writing this was that we have been separated since Nov. and I have been planning to file for divorce since that day. He has not stopped drinking but really I didnt give him any hope that if he did, things would change. I am just so done emotionally. I dont want to try, and I dont even want to want to try if that makes sense. Yet I still struggle with this, whether I am doing the right thing, for me, for my daughter, even for him. He is so much more a mess now. I really feel no different at all than I have the last year. Im heartbroken and numb and angry and regretful all at the same time, but it feels like the separation and divorce are just technicalities. Im already divorced emotionally and probably have been since that fight. My daughter seems to be doing as well as expected, but we both end up on the bed crying together after he comes to visit and I see her cry and beg for him not to leave (she's 2 1/2). It breaks my heart that I am hurting her this way. The strange thing is I know we could probably work things out. He hasnt stopped drinking but he swears he could now that his eyes are open and I believe him. If I could just put everything behind me and commit to going forward and forgetting the past, if I could just put on a happy front long enough it would really be how I feel. I could love him again if I tried hard enough. I just have no desire to, and thats what saddens me most. Im putting my daughter through this horrible thing, Im doing something I could possibly regret the rest of my life, Im breaking this man, who really is a good man mostly, into tiny pieces just because I dont feel like fighting for it anymore.

I've been told the hard choice and the right choice are usually the same. Its still a toss up which is harder and which is right, staying married and living with it or ending it whatever the consequences. :(