Feedback Requested

i know no one can tell me if my choice is right or wrong, but i am desperate for feedback.

my husband and i have been married a year and a half. we met in november of 2006 and were married in july of 2007.

when i met my husband, i was pretty much partying all the time, though i had a serious career, and i was tired of that lifestyle. i was 26 when i got married.

he was a hardcore christian who lived in someone's garage. he is a reformed addict/alcoholic who showed me that i could be happy with God in my life and without booze. he was also 26.

it was very attractive, this wholesome lifestyle. i let him move in with me one month after our first date. we were soon engaged (because he was very guilty about living with someone before marriage, i think).

even before we married, we fought about many things. i don't agree with all his religious views, which he held very tightly to his heart. he made insensitive comments to me about my weight, which i gained after i quit using drugs and alcohol. we didn't agree on finances. he didn't work, but tried to control the money i made. he is addicted to playing to this online rpg game, as well. he has been very neglectful.

he wanted this Christian marriage, where i followed his lead. i think i would have been okay with that, but he never led. he worked sporadically, and then he became very depressed.

his depression caused many fights. he neglected me. he quit job after job. he stopped going to the church he loved. he changed completely.

at first, i reacted like a good Christian wife. i put my feelings aside. i gave him space. i loved him with every action i had.

but, i got so hurt. he said to me on many occasions, "you deserve more from me, but i just don't have it to give right now. someday, i will give you more attention and affection, but i just can't right now."

well. i stopped being nice, i suppose. i started yelling. i was so resentful. i've said very mean things to him. i regret this.

for the past few months, i've felt that there is no way to resolve these issues between us. i have asked him to get help for his depression. he says that he is depressed because i am so hateful to him. i have asked him to see a marriage counselor. he says that i am a better speaker than he, and that i will manipulate the discussions.

add into this that i accidentally fell in love with someone i met online, someone i've never met, someone who makes me see that life could be much better than it is right now. i want to be honest about that. i may never have seen divorce as an option if i had not met this person.

but now it seems like the only option. however, i feel extremely guilty. my husband has said that he believes i just want to get divorced because of the person i met. yes, i have been completely honest with him from the beginning. i told him, "hey, just so you know, i started talking to someone who really makes me feel good about myself." he said, "well, don't let it go too far," and went back to playing video games. i said, "hey, this person is becoming really close to me. we've started talking on the phone." he said, "well, that's not right!" and continued playing video games.

i want someone to tell me that it's okay to leave my husband. and people have. it's not that i want to stay with him. it's just that i don't want to feel like i made a mistake or that i gave up too soon or that i gave up on my vows.

i think he gave up first, though. the whole thing is so heartbreaking... divorce seems like such relief. but, i am just afraid of looking back and seeing that i was wrong.

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8 Responses Mar 10, 2009

Pff! Society..
Well.. from all that you said, I know what choice you're going to make in the end. And you WILL be looking back and regretting it with every breath that you take.
May you find the light within you sometime.

That sounds like my marriage of now 18 years! I was 24 when I started that. I stayed because I have kids, and he left me eventually for a woman who likes RPGs just as much as he does, in his words, his dream woman. My advice is don't have kids with that man, and be very careful about your assumption that the grass is greener on the other side. take some time to get to know you. I know it is hard but it is a very good thing! Good luck!

Welcome to the club. Now pleeze stop whining.<br />
Thank you

Btw, don't listen to omgmetoo and gypsee...I think you and I are impulsive people-we give in to our hearts, and that's what makes us, us. I'm sure that if you didn't fall in love with your online friend, you would have regretted it, and it is better to do sth and regret it than regret not doing it

omg! that sounds so much like me and my ex! (although we were never married, even though he asked me to) We used to have disagreements all the time too. We had very different ways of handling finances. He was also very insecure, and would get jealous if I spent time talking to a friend be it a guy or a girl. I think the mistake we made is moving in together too soon. We moved in about a month after we started dating, and in retrospect, if i hadn't moved in with him, I would have broken up with him a lot sooner. But moving in made things complicated. It was harder to end thing when you are living in the same house. Concidentally, I also finally got the strength to break up with him when I fell in love with one of online friends. My ex was still in love with me, but staying together with him would have been a lie especially since i didn't love him anymore. I just take solace in the fact that i gave it my best, but in the end our life paths were too different for it to work

Gypsee14 knows what he's talking about.<br />
<br />
Here is what I see in my crystal ball for your future: You will follow your heart and leave your husband, and you will feel that it was a wise will find out that Mr. On-Line isn't so understanding after all, and you will be mad at yourself for failing at both relationships.<br />
<br />
NOW, here is my advice to you, a year-and-a-half from now: Learn from your mistakes, and at this point, take your time and shop slowly for a man who really, deeply wants to be YOUR other half. Stop settling for whatever relationship is bright and flashy and in your face. <br />
<br />
Your life is too important to just grab and run with random happen-so. Think and study what YOU want out of life, and choose (or NOT choose) someone wisely and methodically next time.

Would you want to stay with your husband if he paid attention to you? Do you love him?

The leaver always has it hard, but if in your heart you feel you are doing the right thing for you, then you have to follow your heart.