Going Through a Lot! Help!

I've been with my husband for about 10 years now.  We have a six year old daughter together.  At the moment, I am lost, confused, etc.  I was so sure about divorce and now for some reason, I don't know if it will be the right decision.  I guess you can say I'm afraid of many things- lonliness, never finding the guy who will bring me true love and happiness.  I hate the fact that I will have to start over again.

My husband has a history of physically abusing me.  He hasn't hit me in about two months now.  The reason divorce has finally came up again after about 4 years is because I was recently sexually assaulted by his 16 year old uncle.  My husband and I are both 23.  We went to his family's house because they had a get-together.  We drank and slept over at their house.  I slept in between my daughter and my husband.  About three hours after we went to sleep, I woke up to his uncle fondling me down there.  I don't want to get to details, but then when I saw that it was his uncle, I woke my husband up.  He went and confronted his uncle and hit his uncle.  He told me he hit him 3 times.

What bothers me so much is the fact that the night before that, my husband threw me on the hardwood floor at home two times.  My head hit the corner of the wall and he choked me.  This was over something very stupid and little.  We were at a club and I asked him to stop climbing over the rail and he got mad at me.

Well, not only did this bother me, but it also hurt me that my husband was disrespected by his little uncle and yet, my husband didn't do much damage to him as he has done to me during our years of being together.  (A week before I had our daughter, he gave me a bloody nose and a black eye because we woke up and I wanted to pee before him.)

To add onto that, I wanted to go to the police.  He told me not to.  Why?  Because he didn't want to get his family in trouble, make them mad at him, and he was afraid he might of had a warrant for his arrest for hitting me a year ago and he didn't want to go to jail.  So once again, it's all about him again.  That hurt me a lot.  He gave me such a hard time while at my dad's house after the sexual assault.  When the police came, he gave me even a more hard time.  Then he went home.  Everyone was there for me, my sisters, my brothers, my parents, and my sibling's spouses, except for my husband.

I was going through a lot the next few weeks and my husband wasn't helping at all.  He said mean things to me that hurt me a lot like it's my fault his family doesn't want to talk to him anymore.  He beat my dog for chewing his things but when I asked him why he didn't beat his uncle as bad for touching his wife, he replied by saying, "You're nothing to me!"  and "my uncle didn't touch ANYTHING of mine!"

Well, I was so sure to leave him.  But after I talked to my husband about divorce, he's been very nice to me.  I know I shouldn't give in.  I have A LOT to leave him for but for some reason, I guess my guilt isn't allowing me to see it anymore as much.

I'm just very very confused at the moment.  I know I'm gonna be so lonely.  I'll miss him so much, but why?  I'm afraid for all sorts of things.  I don't wanna be lonely, etc.  But I do want to find myself again.  UGH!  It's so hard and frustrating for me!

CaliGirl637 CaliGirl637
22-25, F
4 Responses Mar 16, 2009

Grow a spine!<br><br><br />
Ok ok before I get ripped into, let me explain.<br><br><br />
I was in a very similar situation. When I first started the process I knew what I was doing was good and right, for both me and more so my daughter. Over the months, where he seemed to have "changed" (but didnt stop drinking...), I went back and forth many times. During one of these times my counselor told me to grow a spine and stick to what was right for my daughter even if I couldnt for myself. Her saying that actually helped. It became my mantra during my fights with him. Have a spine, have a spine, you know youre right. It was never long before he did something to remind me why I made that decision in the first place. Two months is not long enough. Give yourself 6 months. People do change, and if he can hold it together that long then maybe he really has. But give yourself that long before considering going back to him. I wish you all the luck in the world, and really there is no way you will be alone long, you sound like a wonderful person. Just be careful with your heart and dont fall for someone that will do something like this to you again. Many hugs!

Thank you so much for your comments. I did call the police when he beat my dog. He's done it several times and I finally called but they weren't taking me seriously and just simply said it was something my husband and I needed to work out on our own. It saddens me to see that everything I love is no longer with me because of him. *sigh*<br />
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Thank you so much for your support and I will definitely keep them in mind at times when I feel weak and need to be strong for myself and my daughter!

Cali,<br />
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I know where your at, I've recently been through one myself. My ex-wife was abusive as well (physical, mental, ect...). I can honestly say that I never raised a hand to her that wasn't in self defense. After awhile you get tired of being hit and have to block some shots. I can honestly say that I'm much happier now and I have no doubt that you will be as well. It does take time to heal and want to move on but it's well worht it in the long run. Like you I also stayed in the relationship for longer than I should have due to kids, finances, ect.... Please don't fall for the short lived nice streak because it won't last long. <br />
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The fact that he hasn't defended you to his family is very low in my book. His Uncle had no right doing what he did and he should have done something right then and there. It sounds like he's blaming you for what happend and that's just not right. You also have to think about your daughter and what could happen if she's around the uncle alone. <br />
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I know from experience that you'll be lonely but think about being able to find yourself and being happier. Your life will change a lot and will seem bad at first but will get better.<br />
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I wish you the best and hope you'll make the right decision to stay or go. This has to be your choice. I'm sending you a friend request and if needed we can message back and forth. <br />
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Chance

what an awful story, and what an awful man. he doesn't love you, he thinks he owns you, in spite of what he said. your daughter will marry someone like him. he could be arrested for hitting you in front of your daughter. it's illegal. what he did to your dog is criminal, just like what he has done to you. please, please don't live with it any longer. get out while you are young and beautiful. find yourself, then find a good man. i have a wonderful marriage, but it took 10 years to get there. he never hit me, but the other abuses were so painful, i could never go through them again. please, don't be afraid. your friends and church will be there for you. i'm so sorry you are suffering now. let it end.