Just Wanting to Take a Breath.

I thought I knew him...We were married for 16 years, have 2 little girls. I don't know this man and he scares me and my girls.

He had a breakdown 2 years ago...I tried to help him for almost a year then he turned on us. believed I was stealing from him and turning the girls away from him. But he also believed the FBI was watching him as well. Told me he was having intrusive thoughts. I became very scared and asked him to get help or he would have to leave...In the end he left but without hurting us all. Now he comes around the house at 3am banging on the house, calling the house and not saying anything...No one believes us...Need proof. He's a doctor...I am just his wife....I have a court date on Monday...Hopefully someone will hear me...I don't know this man anymore....He is trying to fight this in every way possible...I have been trying to end this for two years now...Trying harder to make my girls laugh everyday and make them feel safe.

What happen to my strength...I use to be so strong and very confident in myself...now I only get small periods of these strengths I use to have...As for my confidences I still some of that coming back...just wish I had them now....         

murals murals
46-50, F
28 Responses Sep 20, 2007

It sounds like he functioning with a possible mental disorder. I do feel you should remember that this isn't your fault and you are doing the best you can. You cannot control the actions of another and relationships do end. Focus on you and your kids. Stay firm in your resolve to end this and surround yourself with supportive persons. Above all, always look out for yourself because in this crazy world, no one else will if you don't.

It breaks my heart that we as women go through such experiences. But, on a practical level, you need evidence of his actions, especially as he is a doctor. Unfortunately, as women we are too easily labelled hysterical or melodramatic in such circumstances, and your husband (unless he shows overt signs of schizophrenia/bi polar/aggression) will be more sided with by friends, colleagues, police, lawyers and judges. As an aside, i personally have even had a police officer (called by me after a domestic violence incident) say to me about the intimidation, "some men are just like that...they say things they do not mean", despite me being bruised and holes punched into the walls. You need to empower yourself, and you do this through evidence. If you have a mobile phone, tape your husband's rants, or get him on Skype and record your conversation with him. Get him to admit what he has done. Sure, you may not have his permission to record him, but who cares. Your lawyer can deal with admissibility issues. You do sound battered down, your self esteem shot. I'm a lawyer, and yet, mine is too. I function fantastically at work, but at home, due to my partner's violence, it's quite a different story. I have not left yet (for various reasons), yet all the while, i'm gathering evidence against him - photos of bruises, damaged property, tape recordings, emails from him admitting his actions. Women of all ages, cultural backgrounds, socio-economic status go through this. You are NOT alone. Be thankful for your girls, and remember that all things come to an end. So too will this. Focus on yourself and your girls - as i know a part of you will be feeling guilty about leaving him. Don't feel anything for him, be clinical. He has hurt you, and it is not for you to forgive - let God do that. Get rid of ANY emotion in relation to him, as it will drain you. Your priority is to look after yourself/your children, get angry, get empowered, and when the time is right, you will walk, and never look back.

Look, a restraining order is NOT what you need. You don't getting restraining orders against people. You apply for an "Order of Protection". The next time you see the whites of his eyes, you call the cops and when you do that, it gives them reason to give you that order. If he violates that order when you have it, he goes to a holding center and if he violates it again, he goes to jail. I come from three generations of lawyers, believe me, I know what I'm talking about. You are NOT alone. You keep fighting, and I send you this advice with hopes that maybe these few words might give you some comfort and a feeling of some control. You always have the power, whether it be a court order or a pistol on the nightstand. If he bangs on your door and he threatens you like that again you take that pistol and fire a shot (NOT at him) maybe through the ceiling just to grab his attention and then you shout, "You come anywhere near me or my babies and I'll blow your head clean off, do I make myself clear?!" It may sound crazy, but you'd rather be crazy than harmed.<br />
Don't think that this will just go away, I've seen this in the courts. I've seen video of a man cutting his wifes head off during a trial because she thought it would go away. Get help now and don't be afraid to ask for it, beg for it, or put your foot down for it. Keep trucking, and I send you a gift..."hope".

This is not an abuse. He sounds like he has a schizophrenia. Look up on internet, it is common for schizophrenic people to have intrusive thoughts and hallucination. Get mental health professional's help!

Psychosis is a terrible thing. I had it in my home - my niece did drugs and it pushed her into psychosis. Fortunately we managed to get her committed and onto the Govt drug rehab program. All I can do is send hugs.

Just from my personal experience of being around people with mental disorders, I'd say he has shizophrenia, its not always a permanent case maybe mild psychosis brought on by stress, or trama that your not aware of, like something he hasnt told you and shouldve. I am by no means a professional but its just another aspect to possibly look at for approaching this complicated and emotional issue

He sounds like he suffers schizophrenia. Hallucinations, intrusive thoughts, delusions are the symptoms. He really needs help from a mental health professionals. He does not even realise that he is hurting others, because all his halucinations and thoughts are so real for him. You should really get him some help, dont shut him up.

DreamWizard has the right clue here. Please, folks, please don't be abusive with the man in your reaction. It seems to be a clear case of paranoid schizophrenia. This is a disease, and it's a poor guy who catches it. This is the last disease I want to ever get! Now, you can likely not be with this man for long, that's why this is such a terrible disease. But you all need help to deal with the situation. Try to not take what he does personally! Explain that to your daughters, they have a right to love their father. Please see if you can get him into psychiatric treatment and get some advice from them how to manage a schizophrenic husband and co-parent. Please get help. Don't take it personally. People with paranoid schizophrenia can be very frightening and yes dangerous to themselves and others. BUT they are suffering immensely under their fear and confusion. And treatment is difficult and they suffer anyway. See that side and do get help! Thanks!

*ponders getting diagnosis &amp; treatment for myself hmm...

Nah raaagh **** that
I'll kill you I'll kill you AAAAAAAAAAGH

okay this may sound lame but just one idea....get motion lights on the outside of the house so that when he comes around the lights come on.....that'll scare him a bit. i know there are so many other things you need to do and consider but this is just one small step to letting him know he is unwelcome.

My name is lynn. I come from the same region and i know what you mean by all this. My spouse is an engenieer and all was well at first, but after a while due to a life unknown, life became a living nightmare. It was an unprediabale haven he broke nine bones in my body and also trashed my entire belief in human life. How does someone whom claims to love you do something like that? This beats me, but there is a life on the outside even after all that. You must make sure you have a knowing and compassionate lawyer that you can open up too and tell all to. I know mine is and it was a key to my survival and should be to yours. Remember that it is your survival that counts now more then anything else. You must survive mentally intact now. My friends as a whole saved me and my son and my son definetely did benefit from my courage to say it was enough is enough and see how it was not just effect me but him also. No one should ever make you feel like you are prey being hunted!!!!!!!!!! If you wish to talk further leave me a comment here and I will be happy to reply or contact you via my email.

Tape recorder and video camera. If he comes banging around in the middle of the night put your cell phone if possible on the camera cuz you can't really mess with that time, vs a regular clock. Then have his banging being recorded and it may not be safe to peak out the window to catch him doing it, but if you have a way to do it without being caught..

I believe your husband is bi-polar. My wife has it. My story is a little bit similar to yours.There are<br />
doctors who have it also. Some no longer practice medicine and some have been to jail.

It's tough when a person is well known or someone who has a "good status". No one wants to believe they do bad things or treat people wrong. Stay strong and let people know what' going, so that they can be there for you! Enjoy every moment with the kids! They suffer the most in this situation.Most of all reassure them that this isn't their fault and remind them you love them and always will!Good luck!

Most of these have good advice..the restraining order usally does no good. Getting out of his reach and having yourself and children protected is paramount. Some type of self defence is advisable..firearm, stungun,or some real good pepper spray or all. Do your upmost to always be with the children or have a responsible party with them, as much as possible. Change phones and #'s along with address and no forwarding address. Do not use any type credit cards or such that can trace back to you. If you can afford it, hire a private investigator to track him for acouple of days to see if he has a routine that shows he is tracking you. If so, you need to contact the mental health hospital and the athorities to see if you can have him picked up and treated.

Moving would be a great thing to do. Can you move your girls and yourself to a relative's house temporarily? Have an emergency plan. This guy sounds dangerous. Get a restraining warrant.<br />
Defiantly move away.

He's definitely struggling with mental illness...it happens to people more than our society likes to admit. You did what you could for him. Ultimately you had to make a decision. You made the right one..you and your girls have the right to happiness and security in this life. Now you need to get a restraining order. When he comes around banging on the house, call the police and file a report... then it will at least be on file for the record. Do whatever you have to do to get your proof. Use a digital recorder to tape him being crazy. Use a video camera or ask a friend to stay with you for a while so you will have a witness. You have to protect yourself and your daughters. He is not stable and not himself and who knows what he is capable of. I've been through this with my Mother when her second husband went off his nut. No one would help us either until he attacked her. That was our proof. I hope to goodness you're able to get creative and get some proof that doesn't involve injury. Good luck. Be safe

I totally hear you, Murals. My husband is bi-polar. He has been acting strange for 5 years now. I didn't see it as bad as others did because I loved him. Then I slowly started getting more distant from him. He went on a selfish tirade one day and left and I didn't let him come back.<br />
<br />
Well, then the craziness really started up. I have been seperated from him since June of last year and he is STILL freaking out!<br />
<br />
I found the best way to deal with it is to let everyone else deal with it and leave myself and my kids out of it. I only speak to him via a third party (cops, attorney, his mom), never face to face or even by phone. That was there is ALWAYS a witness.

I vote with Dream Wizard: This boy ain't right. He needs major help, and you need major protection. <br />
<br />
I disagree vehemently with Corporate Ministry, though: If you're going to arm yourself, DON'T TELL HIM. Don't tell anyone. Just, as we say in America, do it.

@Murals: You probably have options you haven't recognized, or haven't considered. Maybe there are people in your family or extended support network that could help you temporarily relocate? It certainly sounds like this is an exceptional problem, and requires exceptional actions in response. Perhaps consider life and lifestyle changes. Don't trap yourself by thinking "I can't do that", or "it would be too disruptive". A dire situation deserves strong action. But not what JourneymanChronicle glibly responded with. <br />
<br />
@JourneymanChronicle: your statement was irresponsible, ignorant, and just plain wrong. Do I even need to list the reasons why? Ask a Cop.

This does not sound like a man who has intentionally "Turned on you". Everything you have stated....The emotional breakdown, the FBI, the paranoia .. Deep psychological stress affects the body's physiology-thus increasing stress harmones and altering the body's chemical composition. In severe cases the physiological changes are dramatic (his mind/body connection has actually "turned on itself"). It sounds like your husband has possibly "become" a Paranoid Schizphrenic and is in serious need of psychological help. Many people are aware this condition is inherited but are unaware that it can also appear where there is no family history induced from a result of a nervous breakdown.<br />
PLEASE, IMMEDIATELY, CONSULT A PROFESSIONAL. Does your husband have other physician friends who can persuade him to see a phychiatrist? If you haven't already, you need to start a Journal on his activity also include what he says.<br />
<br />
In the meantime contact an attorney about your situation. Find out what your rights are and the best way to keep your family safe. I will pray for your family.<br />
<br />
<br />
-The daughter of a Paranoid Schizophrenic

Have you called the police while he was bothering you during the night? A police report would really strengthen your case if you feel you do not have the necessary credibility yet. In the meantime, keep doing what you are doing and keep your chin up! Everything will work out no matter how it may feel right now. I am sure you are doing what any loving, responsible mother would do and if they do not realize it now, your girls will recognize your efforts over time. Just hang in there and be safe. Just a suggestion - do you have anyone who can stay with you during this time or anywhere else you can go to feel/be safer? Believe in yourself and your judgment, and you will feel and appear more confident. My thoughts are with you and your girls.

do not trust a restraining order it is" firefanning" paper and could make it worse if you stay there=.Police tend to think of it as a "drama Queens Prop."= If you can afford it Hire a $30 a day Powerful Lady and let her be your NAN/Buttkicker.(you might find one willing to work at a martial-arts DOJo fitness center)

Wow!! Please contact a domestic abuse hot line A.S.A.P., Not only can they offer you and your girls a safe haven But a record of this will hold more weight when you are before a judge. PLEASE call right away. I am in fear for my own life right now from my "Husband". he is talking to two voices and I have found he has been a complete fraud our whole "Marriage" But this is about you. YOU ARE IN DANGER!!! You must leave with those children immediately. I wish I could help you...<br />
Wouldn't it be great to start a safe haven where women could stay in a secure place and help eachother out? ..... Hmmmmmm Lemonade out of lemons.<br />
I send you peace, hope, and love... I'm pretty infrequent here with all the stress and drama but I'm here for you. God speed.

I am going through a similar experience, also married to a professional (psychotherapist) who is not the same man after he got hurt and it appears he has brain trauma. He is able to do his job, but is so volatile, angry, and bizarre around my 3 daughters and myself. <br />
<br />
I got a restraining order last year after he ended up bruising me, but I took him back in, only to call the police 4 months later. We've been apart now for 8 months. <br />
<br />
I would keep him away and get into therapy. I'd make sure you get the therapist to see he needs more intervention and can contact his doctor.

you sound like you have the beaten down wife syndrome. Give yourself some credit for holding it together he sounds bi-polar to me. That's what my husbands problem is I think

Do you have any family near where you live to come stay with you for a while? What about some sort of video camera for the outside of your house to be installed without him knowing that sure would proof things. If you have any feelings at all that you are uncertain of his behaviour it is your responsibility to get you and your little ones out of that house and somewhere where you could feel safe.

Wow.<br />
<br />
Two words: restraining order.<br />
<br />
Nobody should have to suffer that sort of abuse whether they're married or getting a divorce.

Here if you ever need to chat... just keep making them smile and allow their laughter to brighten your soul. It will work out darlin'... all in time.