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Can't Believe It's Happening...

So, I have been married for 15 years. Next month, will be 18 years that we have been together. We have had problems with out marriage from day 1, but have been able to "ignore" them for one reason or another. Actually, I have chosen to ignore them for 4 very good reasons...our 4 sons!  Early this year, I found enough courage to tell him point blank that I don't love him, not like a wife should love her husband and that I don't feel loved by him. I wanted a separation, some space and time to figure things out. (I have been with him since I was 18 and he was 24).  So he asks if I want to tell the kids, and I said "yes". So he calls the boys in and basically tells me to tell them since it was my idea. He put me under the bus!! And so I got crushed.

Needless to say, up popped good old guilt and I decided that maybe what we need is some serious help and some serious work since it's all out in the open. He did go to a session of counseling and I actually made an appt. for counseling for myself (chickened out at the last min. though..so bad!!).  And as we are "working" on our marriage, things were good for about 2 whole weeks. Then the momentum left us and we were right back where we started. So fast forward 8 months. (Oh, and did I mention, in the midst of this, I discovered that he had an addition to on-line ****? that he was trying to hide from me?). So I check his email last week and discover that he has been "communicating" with another woman. He says nothing happened, but he had lied to her and pretended to be single. He made several sexual references to/about her and completely cut me out of the picture, even saying that his "sister" moved him and his kids into his house (the house that we just bought a year ago and that WE all moved into). 

I am so hurt, angry and sad. I feel even more lonely than I have in such a long time. And to top it off, we have to live together because we are broke!! We haven't told the kids, so we are actually sharing a room/bed (strictly sleeping). I really just want to be over and done with this so that I can move on. But I am so scared of the unknown. I have never been single...he is the only man I have ever been with. 

karatemomx4 karatemomx4 36-40, F 2 Responses Nov 23, 2009

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You have options as Golightly stated so well. You have four wonderful reasons to look carefully at your future as you and your boys deserve better. Your boys will pick up on the dynamics between you and their dad and they will mimic what they see and the results can be heartbreaking. I was in a very similar situation, including having four boys and I want you to know there is hope and joy waiting for you.

I agree with VictorAllen. The hardest part about making that change is that you will have to test yourself and you are just not sure what you are capable of.<br />
So do some personal ground work and figure out your strengths as a person. Once you know a few things you can count on in yourself - figure out how you can use those talents to your advantage as you move on.<br />
Do all of this so that you can see you really will be OK in the future. You need to trust yourself so you will have to see for yourself what kind of legs you have to stand on.<br />
Now - dont get muddled in the self esteem department. Just look at the facts.<br />
Right off the bat I can see that you are patient - it takes a whole lot of patience to stay in a bad marriage and keep right on looking for the good in it. <br />
But not only are you patient - you are strong. You can not have patience without strength. That strength is your strength of conviction in your morals and the ability to stick by them when the going is tough.<br />
You also have to have a great deal of love and kindness to keep pulling it together every day. Love for your kids, and kindness for your spouse whom you keep giving the benefit of the doubt (until he proved otherwise).<br />
What i am saying is that there is a whole person in you. A 100% whole person that has an amazing character.<br />
You can use that character to advantage when you do have troubles to deal with. Being on your own with 4 kids is hard. Not doubt about it - but you have the patience and strength of character to hit the ground running and see the tough spots through to a better life.<br />
<br />
By the way - that "you will tell them" crap is your husband trying to turn you into the bad guy. Dont let him drag you down. You probably will have to tell the kids on your own. Kids are not stupid - its all in how you handle it. <br />
Read up on how to tell your children. Be ready with plan they can rely on too. <br />
Get yourself some books on divorce or read on the net. Learn the laws in your state and have an idea of what you will be facing BEFORE you talk to your husband about divorce again. ONce you have solid facts and a plan you can go on - bluffs, like your husband pulled "you tell them" will not bother you so much.<br />
You will see right through his crappola. Thats a good thing. <br />
Don't be afraid about the money - once you have a plan start testing that plan. How much money will it take to live - what do you have to have and what can you do without.<br />
Reading up on the laws in your state will make it much harder for him to threaten you with leaving you penniless or taking the kids. he can only bully you if you allow it. Pay attention to the property laws in your state. You may be in a much better place than you think you are.<br />
But a hurt man may try to make you believe you are at his mercy. You are not. <br />
Do not let on to your plans. Do not threaten him with divorce, do not mention that you know what the law says. Just keep those plans to yourself but learn all you can about your family finances. What is the house worth, how much is in the accounts, how much are your bills, how much is your life insurance policy worth? Pensions? 401K....get all of this together BEFore you discuss divorce. Give yourself a leg to stand on!!