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Snowballing

I have told my husband twice now that I want a divorce.  When we talk he seems to "get it" but then he seem to stick his head in the sand and pretends that everything is OK.

He makes "we" statements and future plans as in "we will do this next year".

It really bothers me.  I am forced to keep the divorce low key as we have agreed not to tell my son until after the holidays.  But in the mean time I feel snowballed.

I have started taking steps towards independence anyway.  I opened my own bank account.  Its  a little step but now i have to make the bigger one - acknowledging the change and moving my pay deposit into this new account.  Which means now i will have to be the one to bring up divorce again.

This makes me uncomfortable.  He will say the thought everything was "OK" because we are not at each others throats.  He will say he thought I had changed my mind.  But he does not ask me if I have changed my mind. 

The conversation will not progress into any kind of discussion about the divorce but he will explode (probably) in anger and find some way to call me names or insist that I dont care for our son because I want a divorce.  He will tell me I am going to "ruin" our sons life and that I am selfish.

And once again I will be snow balled and there will have been no discussion about when or how or what.  and each time I bring something new into the mix - the scene will repeat.  New accusations maybe -but it will just repeat.

golightly golightly 41-45, F 12 Responses Dec 6, 2009

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I don't have any experience to help you in this situation, but I do feel how trying this must be for you.

In istuations like this, who ever is recieving the bad news will veiw this as an attack and the only way to responde is to go on the attack. They already feel bad for what ever it is they are lacking, so they look for weaknesess on the one wanting the divorce. This thing about him telling you that the divorce will ruin your son's life goes both ways, it can be worse if you are living in a lie.

DC -<br />
It has never been black and white, thats why it took me 20 years to decide to go.<br />
But maybe, perhaps, we can move forward with a sense of dignity and not bitterness.<br />
I really dont know.<br />
The part of me that was ready to go feels relieved. The part of me that does still are is confused and the practical me who deals with finances is frightened.<br />
Perhaps it is just a wishwashy kind of day.

Maybe you two should have a short pre-arranged separation for a couple of weeks or so, just to have some time to think (and so he realizes how awesome you are and how much life would suck without you >:]

Really happy for you that your discussion went so well... sometimes writing out your frustrations with the situation help you to get to a place where that kind of discussion is possible...<br />
<br />
And sometimes, the planets just happen to be appropriately aligned... <br />
<br />
Sounds like some real progress was made!

Whatever you say :P<br />
<br />
It sounds like he was going into denial before because he cared a lot about you and did not want to have to face losing you. And he's probably just going along with the separation because he feels guilty and wants you to be happy.

Except that a reconciliation is not always the best thing for anyone. <br />
If we can make ONE choice that really is the best for everyone then that just means we have matured.

It sounds like you two love each other. You are both retarded. Have a nice day.

The snowballing really bothered me but I decided that because I had opened the door then it was up to me to keep that door open.<br />
<br />
Right after I made the original post I went to my husband to discuss the what and how and when. I think that was the most surprising discussion of my life.<br />
<br />
It did not start out easy. I know we both felt as though there was no way to discuss anything in an easy way. And it was not easy. At first he tried more accusations and deliberately pushing the discussion off into the twisted realms of past discussions. But somehow we were able to refocus the discussion. He actually listened and told me what he thinks too. He never tells me what he thinks unless he is just telling me how awful I am. <br />
It was the kind of discussion that could have lead to a reconciliation. But at the end of the discussion he and I both agreed that we needed to put space between us. We actually agreed on it instead of one telling the other how it is going to be.<br />
We have never had a discussion that was so open and strangely less painful then all the other discussions we have ever had before.<br />
One of the most surprising things was when we were discussing how he quit his job a couple of years ago after he had already made a commitment with me to pay off our debt. <br />
I told him that I was sorry for not being more supportive and that I wanted him to be happy but I had felt discounted because he broke a promise to me. He said "its OK. I would have divorced myself if I had done that. It surprised me that you didn't leave me then"<br />
He does not admit mistakes. Ever. <br />
In any case, by the end of our talk we both felt relieved and we felt closer.<br />
We did discuss details and have agreed to go forward with a separation and probably a divorce. I say probably because it seems best to just move forward one step at a time and not close doors if they dont have to be closed. <br />
It maybe that we do divorce. But right now at least we are discussing what needs to be done in a supportive way of each other.

As the mother of two small children (at the time of the divorce, many years ago), the most helpful thing I was told concerning my kid's welfare was this piece of advice:<br />
<br />
What are you teaching your children if you stay in a relationship that's not working... one that is full of animosity and anger? Children know a lot more about what is going on around them than most adults realize...and they can't help but be affected by malicious feelings in their home. Teach your children that marriage means love..and love does not mean anger.

Stay strong in your resolve. Move the payday deposit to your new account. These are small steps that will be invisible to your son. But do not backslide for it empowers your SO to continue snowballing you.

That does seem to be how it works sometimes... and of course, that behaviour pattern has a lot to do with why you want a divorce.<br />
<br />
You could point that out, but chances are it won't change things. <br />
<br />
...and if you want to keep the peace for your son's sake until after the holidays, perhaps you should just "start the New Year right" and arrange for your pay to go to your new personal account (congratulations by the way!!) after the holidays.<br />
<br />
Nobody said it was going to be easy, and it won't be... but the chances of "ruining" your son's life by staying in an unhappy marriage are arguably greater than by leaving... only you know this for certain, but it is my theory on the subject.<br />
<br />
All the best to you, and you have my support, should you want or need it...<br />
<br />
FoP