I Filed For Divorce Today

I have been dreading this day for years, looking for some way to avoid it, but I have come to the slow realization that it has to happen. My marriage is beyond repair. I told my husband, that after years of waffling back and forth, someone would have to put this thing out of its misery, and that I am at my wits end. I guess that we have been down that road enough times to make this time seem no different, but it is for me. I really am at the end of that road now and there is no sign of him doing anything proactive or taking any action to either work on our relationship-or end it.  He knows this, has for a long time, and so in theory should not be suprised that today I filed my paperwork and it will be official tonight when I hand him my letter of intent and lawyer retention. I am so scared right now, I feel sick.  We have had numerous"divorce talks" over the past couple of years and he has gone back and forth between amicably agreeing that a divorce would be for the best, to agressively threatening to fight me for custody of our children (wholly unfeasable) and cutting me off financially, to until most recently (2 weeks ago), when he said that he wants to work on the relationship and be a family again- to work on our relationship!, after all the years of neglect and sweeping everything under the carpet! He actually seemed genuine and heartfelt, almost kind and caring. It softened me alot. It was sad.  But I have heard this many times before, to no avail- no action by him. I am past that point.  I go to counseling myself, as he  told me that he would go in the past, but backed out of it.  I told him honestly that I did not love him and could not be with him physically or emotionally, and that this situation is eating me alive, and I cannot continue this way. I have said this before, but never acted on it out of fear, or hope?? Well, I am out of hope for this marriage. Fear I have plenty of....I need to find affordable health insurance- or a new job that provides it.  I need to find a way to be a successful single working mother of four on a meager income. It will be a struggle and I am very scared . I have no idea how I will manage. I am just trying to have faith that things will be OK for my children and myself after all of this comes to pass.I have grappled with the questions:  Is financial stability really a good enough reason to stay in a marriage that takes such a heavy toll on my well being and self esteem ? Is it ok to stay for just for the children, at the expense of my own sanity?  Once I might have thought so, but It is not an option for me anymore. I know that I do have choices. I could have greater financial security for myself and my children- and  exist in a miserable marriage indefinately- probably  OR I can move forward into the unknown, afraid,  but with freedom and  hope for a better future. I made the choice and acted on it today. I am now tring to balance logical reason and the harsh reality of my circumstances on one hand, with hope, optimism and faith that the God (or the universe if you will) will protect, and guide me on the other hand. I waver between the two and I expect that this is normal. I know that if you are part of this unfortunate group, then you probably have been or are where I am now, or at least close enough to understand me. I need to keep optimistic and am seeking support from wherever I can get it.  Thank you for reading this. It helps to vent! Please,  If anyone has any words to share I would appreciate it very much. Sorry so longwinded........

maoffour maoffour
41-45, F
11 Responses Mar 3, 2010

I just filed today and your story could be mine. How did it work out and how are you and the kids?

I filed for divorce in June and now it's early August and the court has already ruled that the marriage is over. My problems were verbal, physical and emaotional abuse and neglect on the part of my spouse. Financially I have always taken care of the home so I'm not worried about that aspect. But since I filed my husband has been begging and trying to tell me that he will change. I heard this so much in the past 5 years that I know that probability is quite slim. However, I have two young daughters, 5 and 2 yrs old and i feel really incomplete as a family although his contribution was quite meagre. I feel lonely and scared of the future and although I know i made the right decision, why should I feel this way?

I had also the same problem as you, but the Aleq Sini CD Be Happy - Feel Good helped me,I can recommend you check it page : www.aleqsini.com

Mosts states have a formula for child support and you can ask for maintenence for yourself. Please talk to a lawyer and he will not only inform you of the law, but also the standard process in your court system. He can't just walk away and leave you penniless.

A good question Wayne74. I did consider all the options, and talked to him about them, of course. The key word is "capable" here. He has always worked inconsistent and long hours. He gets home from work between 6 and 8 pm- and goes in pretty late too sometimes. I have always been the parent who is responsible for bringing them to and from school everyday, and to all their other, many afterschool and weekend activities. In short, my husband was never very involved (or interested for that matter) in the kids school, social life, or extra-curricular activities. I have always encouraged involvement and concern, and it has been painful for the kids and I to deal with lack of involvement over the years.I gave up complaining . My older kids are unfortunately "used to it", and have never really had a very close relationship with their father.and mainly try not to anger him ,while the younger ones still clamour for attention from their father. I know it still pains my teenage boys, no matter how they supress it . 2 years back, my husband casually asked my then 11 year old son what grade he was in- and my son burst into tears, screamed and stormed off angry- of course it hurts . Long story short, aside from bringing home a paycheck, he dosen't contribute too much to "family life" in the household and isn't very involved with ther lives. It is like walking on eggshells, trying not to get him angry or set him off . Only my youngest, my 6 year old daughter reaps the benefits of his attention. And even that is inconsistent. If he becomes angry, and does so easily, he ignores or yells at her too, or anyone that happens to be around. So why, then could he not take care of the kids you ask? He has never done it before, why would I assume he could do it now? He has never stayed home from work when they were sick, gone to a teacher conference or doctors visit for that matter. He refuses to take them to a movie by himself! He has a temper issue and does not get along well with my teenage sons. He has only recently started administering HIMSELF medication. How could I count on him to do it for the children? He also does no domestic chores or cooks-ever! He has always expected everything to be taken care of and done FOR him. Honestly, I'm so beyond bashing here, but to answer your question, the idea of him caring physically and emotionally for 4 children ages raginging from 6-16, that he has no solid intimate relationship with anyway-is a bad joke.

If it's that hard, and you have no clue how you'd survive, why would you want custody? Why not be on your own and let him take care of the kids if he's capable?

Like you, I have four kids and my husband said he just can't live with me anymore. He doesn't love me and he feels angry all the time. I work three days a week, no benefits, and have no clue how I'll survive. I don't have a clue where to begin. Would love some advice. How much did your lawyer cost? I have no savings that I can pull from and he has a separate account... :0/

No angel can be caged. It is scary. You didn't get here overnight, and it won't be fixed overnight. My first advice is make sure you have a darn good attorney. You get what you pay for. Sad but true. The only way he can get custody, is if there is proof you are a dangerous lousy mother. Doesn't happen too often, it is really hard.<br />
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I am a single dad, I know. I know how hard and miserable it is. I do understand the hurt. Have faith, and know at some time there will be a light at the end of the tunnel, I truly wish you the best. Again, have faith, it won't be easy, but with a great attorney, you'll do better than you think.

Hi Ma,<br />
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I am really sorry to hear of your unfortunate circumstance. Isn't life just unfair sometimes. I am in a similar situation but with no kids. I have just made an appointment with a divorce solicitor and I am just so scared. I just want to say I feel your pain, you are in my prayers. Just remember you are not alone and God always makes a way, hey didn't he part the red sea! Keep us posted and stay strong, you deserve to be happy and I wish you all the happiness in the world and beyond.<br />
<br />
Love<br />

Dear Ma: You are very courageous. Divorce is hard, painful and can leave you feeling raw and vulnerable, even when you know it's right.<br />
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I have no real advice as I have been dealing with this crap too for over two years. But just know that you are not alone.<br />
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My thoughts and prayers are with you.<br />
<br />

I am with you on this. We haven't filed yet but have been seperated and living in the same house for over a year. I'm sleeping upstairs and he is in the master bedroom. I'm the one that wants the divorce so I have the guilt. I want the kids to be able to stay in their same schools but am worried we can't afford to live in our same neighborhood once we are divorced. If we have to move into an apartment, so be it. I'd like to be able to buy a tiny house or condo but am starting to doubt it. I know it's going to be rough, but this needs to end. Thankfully I have a good job, but seperating one household into two is expensive. I'm not a spring chicken so I may never retire, but I am looking forward to being happy, or at least content. I don't need the house, I need freedom.