Getting A Divorce After 15 Years Of Marriage

I am so sad.  :(  It is all my fault and my choice and my doing, but, I am getting a divorce.

I got married at 21 to a wonderful woman, someone that despite my actions, I love dearly.  The thing is, we always lacked certain aspects of our marriage which have made me unhappy.  She is a sexless person, has no need nor craving for it.  She said so too.  The first 8 years we fought and tried to work it out, but, she just didnt want sex often.  We had it once every 4 months (at first), then eventually once every year.

I tried to divorce her, but, I loved all her good traits more than this bad one.

Then one day, I got too tired, and stopped sexually approaching her.  That was 8 years ago.  I've not made any sexual advances.  In the last 5 years, however, we have made 3 kids.  We had sex (bad horrible sex) to make the kids.  The first one took a while to make.  The second one only 3 months and the 3rd one one month.  It was horrible sex.  She would lay down, spread and say "hurry up and do your thing."

yeah.  that doesnt make a guy feel good.

Anyways.  Also about 4 years ago I had an affair - she never found out.  IT made me feel alive!  It lasted 8 months.

Then about 2 years ago, I had another affair, also lasting 8 months.

I thought I had found a system.  Have an extramarital affair on the side, and continue with my amazing family.

Let me say - you have NO IDEA how much I love my kids.  They are everything.  I am a super involved dad.

But then 8 months ago, I met a another woman.  This time, it was different.  It got emotional.  I fell in love.

She showed me that there was little point in living life this way, miserable.  She showed me how to be strong and stand up for what I want.

I have since told my wife that I want a divorce.

So now, I can't see my kids often cause she has kicked me out.  I told her of the affair too.  She asked me to stop seeing this other woman, so we could work on our marriage - but I refused.  Why would I want to leave someone who made me happy??

That's my story.

jalexand jalexand
36-40, M
7 Responses Mar 8, 2010

I can't believe some of these comments!! There are sexual therapists who can help with the situation. Sometimes a woman doesn't come from a background where sex is a beautiful and natural show of affection or she needs to be taught how great the feeling is. If she's never experienced sexual pleasures, then she won't know to want them. It doesn't always come natural. So, if one partner doesn't want sex, sometimes just getting educated about it or seeing a sex therapist is the answer. Not always. But, next time before a partner excuses him or herself from the marriage vows, try everything to help the other person. It may have been a hurtful thing to say, but words can be mended and saying I'm sorry and now I realize I was wrong because I've learned it was my fault are also grounds for forgiveness.

You do the right thing...divorce will always be painful but don't worry, this should will pass and you will feel happy again. The wrong thing about couples and marriage are that they all think that "YOU HAVE TO STAY TOGETHER" no matter what, but things don't work this way and within we all know, but refused to separate because the kids, money and bla, bla, bla... life is short, you cannot waste your time working in something that within you know doesn't work anymore, after you had tried EVERYTHING, and words hurt! Tell a man to "hurry up, do your thing" like you doing his a favour, it's not nice too. If you telling us the truth, you did the right thing, she got what she deserved. Good luck!

> spread and say "hurry up and do your thing."<br />
wow, how romantic... and even more romantic would be periodically asking, every few seconds or so, "are you done yet ? well, hurry up!" :) the only proper response to this would be "do it yourself"...

I had also the same problem as you, but the Aleq Sini CD Be Happy - Feel Good helped me,I can recommend you check it page :

jalex: My marriage was almost exactly like yours only I'm the woman in your shoes. My husband was not interested in sex. <br />
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After two emotional affairs and one on it's way to becoming physical I left. I couldn't see how living a life of being with one man and fkg someone else could make anyone feel good. Eventually it all catches up to you.<br />
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I left my marriage two years ago and we are just now getting to the divorce. It's hard and painful, but you are doing the right thing..<br />
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Be strong.

My husband did this to me, but we had great sex all the time. He told me he loved me and was in love with me and then bam he wants a divorce. Says he is not having an affair, but I know for a fact he is. He says I am a wonderful wife - beautiful, smart, etc., but he lacks something emotionally from me. It would have been nice if he had discussed this with me instead of screwing around. We never fought, in fact it seemed we perfect for each other... I really thought that and he claimed to have felt the same thing. The whole things sucks and is crazy to me. <br />
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Since you guys fought, I assume she knew of your frustrations. I feel sorry for your children, but not for her. She got what she deserved. (Not that you meant to hurt her, right?) It sucks that you have to go through this. I hear about how affairs usually never last once they are no longer affairs, but I have known one in my family that lasted long after the betrayed spouse had died. Good luck to you.

lot like me except ........wanted to but no play mates........just **** and looking at different adult meeting places.........last two years hard but greatful.....