Yeah Me!!

So It's been awhile since I have been on experience project and I have to say that my life has gotten better. For the first time in my life I feel grateful for everything that I have. I used to feel like gratitude was for losers. I really thought it meant you would be stagnant if you had gratitude and would go no where in life. I never want to be complacent but I also never want to be ungrateful again. I am soooo grateful for all of my horrible experiences(accept for the abuse, I could have lived with out experiencing that). I know that my life is still not perfect but I am happy with what I have and my ability to keep striving for more. My biggest challenge now is finding inner peace while staying at home with my son. It's probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I am with him 24 hours a day 7 days a week. I can't get a break to pee. I really just want to be an adult sometimes. I get so frustrated and lack patience because I just want a break. I don't want to be frustrated because I know that my baby won't be a baby forever. He is already 3. I am getting better each day but not having people to support me is hard. My child's father is an addict and he doesn't make it any easier. Fortunately we haven't seen him in over a year so that makes things a little easier. He doesn't see how he has still so many unresolved issues. I had someone comment on my page about therapy not being the answer. I respect that persons opinion but I have to disagree. It takes opening up the wounds and allowing them to heal with help is what helps us.Sometimes our minds lead us to strange places in the process of healing. We may act strange in response to how broken we are inside but we have to give ourselves permission to feel that. He doesn't see that and criticizes my every parenting move. My son once started saying "Stupid Daddy" on the phone and he hung up on him. He was 2. Part of addiction with parenting, I have learned, is that there is this unreal expectation that kids are supposed to be adults. At 2 a child doesn't understand what he says and to hungup on a child is outrageous. He hasn't talked to his Dad since but he remembers it like it was yesterday. That was my mother's day present. I keep playing that over in my head and I have this fear now that my child won't be liked. It's weird when I am around normal people everyone talks about how great he is, even when he acts up. When I am around "recovering addicts" they all have these surreal expectations. I had them for awhile too because I was raised in such a "proper" household. But I let them go until the "phone call". In my favorite book "Of My Bondage and Freedom" Douglass talks about being a slave child living in a cottage and how he would much rather be in the cottage then be in the house because he got to play and be a kid. I think that tells it all. Why continue to enslave people in the name of tradition? I feel a little better. Hopefully I can overcome this parenting fear and get rid of the awful message that keeps repeating itself in my head. What's really hard to swallow is that if I'm an adult and it hurt me, I can't imagine how my son feels.
AnonymousDiva AnonymousDiva
26-30, F
Jul 18, 2010